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John was the child of domestic violence.
He'd grown up hearing his mother scream
and cry, seeing his father pummel her with
full fists, and evil face.
He was as terrified of his father as if that
was a deamon.
Yet....
Johnny's father had been his chief nurturer.
When Johnny was born, his father, Steve, to spite
his mother, undertook all care.
Steve carried Johnny everywhere, made himself
the sole connection. Although his mother did
as much as she could, it was always his father.
He would sleep in his father's arms, cry, and
be instantly picked up by his father, who carried
him around like an amulet.
His father was his safety, his world.
Until his parent's separated, and he was
sent to live with his paternal Grandmother
during the early confusion.
As many abusers, John's Father, Steve, had
his 'good side'. He could be happy and playful
and generous, and so nice.
Johnny missed his father, but his Grandmother
was very good at 'weaning' him from Steve.
It was not difficult, as Grandmother was always
the same, but Steve was not.
Steve could go from one mood to another
in an instant.
This morning's joke reaped slaps
and verbal abuse.
Johnny learned never to trust his father.
No sense in it.
No sense in trusting anyone, for his Grandmother
let him go live with his father.
His Grandmother, whom he thought would
protect him, did not.
Johnny went to live with his father and his
father's new wife and new children.
Steve, who had in early years been so central
so all encompassing, now was more interested
in his new children.
Johnny felt rejected, betrayed, and realised his
mistakes.
He had loved his grandmother, but she let him
down. He taught himself to never let down his
guard again.
Johnny was a withdrawn child.
Never happy, always suspicious.
Teachers who tried to be nice were
treated as deceitful, for Johnny knew
there was an ulterior motive, knew
they would only be nice so as to make
the abuse surprising.
He never went out for sports or anything.
He kept to himself. He was very quiet.
The one time he acted out at school
he was punished, so he never ever acted
out again.
He knew he was wrong.
Not wrong to have fought, or wrong to
have spoken, wrong to interact with other
people.
He blamed himself for all that befell him.
If he had left school earlier, he wouldn't
have been the target of the other boys.
If he had not gone into the lunchroom
he'd not have been insulted.
Staying alone was safe.
After a beating, he ran away, went to
his Grandmother, who took him in. He
felt partially safe, but never forgave her
for 'making' him go to live with his father.
When he got older he moved far away
from his father, and stopped communicating
with him, though he spoke to his grandmother.
He didn't like his mother because she was
an example of all he didn't want to be.
Because he was afraid he would be violent
like his father if he got angry, Johnny worked
on never getting angry.
He became unable to express feelings.
Feelings were bad.
Sarcasm, doubt, coldness, dissmissiveness
were good.
Johnny never opened himself.
No one could hurt Johnny.
Johnny didn't give.
He met a woman from abroad who wanted
to stay in America. She had money so
bought a house, married him, and stayed
with him until she got citizenship.
He took what she had, and when she left
him, because he had never allowed himself
to feel more than a simple 'liking', was not
very upset.
He
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01-27-2007, 07:03 PM
Direction of Anger
