Any Advice.

juxxx · 09-29-2009, 11:51 AM

ive just found out that my husband of 7 years has been having an affair. they work in the same office and have been sleeping with each other for about three months. he says she is very special and the feelings he has for her are different from what he has for me. he didnt want to finish with me because he loves me but didn't finish with her either. i asked him if he would give our marridge another go and he said he would give it 100%. how do i get that trust back or am i just heading for more pain.

**Miya** · 09-29-2009, 12:19 PM

Hi Juxxx...

I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through this pain.

Unfortunately trust is something that cannot be easily rebuilt after an event like this as the original violation undermines seemingly everything ever said and done. It just takes time to re-establish via the others actions (or non-action in the case of this other woman). My advice is just to be cautious but if you truly feel he's in your relationship completely, try to forgive and then see what happens from there.

I wish you the best.

**Karma3** · 09-29-2009, 02:18 PM

I am so sorry Juxxx

Rebuilding trust is not going to be an easy task but however, is not impossible to do if you both want to make this work. First things first.....your husband and the other women CANNOT continue to work together, day in and day out. Either she goes or he finds another job! In order for him to give you 100%, it has to be done. After this is done, hopefully everything else falls into place for the two of you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-29-2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by juxxx

ive just found out that my husband of 7 years has been having an affair. they work in the same office and have been sleeping with each other for about three months. he says she is very special and the feelings he has for her are different from what he has for me. he didnt want to finish with me because he loves me but didn't finish with her either. i asked him if he would give our marridge another go and he said he would give it 100%. how do i get that trust back or am i just heading for more pain.

Hey sweet, welcome to the Forum.

We're a great support network so we hope you stay with us.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it's painful and yes, you can forgive at some point, but generally find it hard or almost impossible to forget.

I'm a tad confused though... He said he would give it 100% with your marriage but he hasn't finished it with her and he finds her special?

I guess that usually if you think about it, there's a breakdown somewhere when one strays unless he's a complete jerk and doesn't care and isn't faithful ever full stop.. Sounds like there was something missing in your marriage a breakdown of sorts.

Do you know in your heart what that is?

How old are you two if you don't mind me asking.

And, can he change jobs - because it's not going to work well if they are still working together...

CW

**rcoreyus** · 09-29-2009, 11:54 PM

I think you need to understand why he went to this other woman. If the reason is still there, he will probably do it again (with her or someone else). If you can figure out how to take the reason away, he might stay faithful.

juxxx · 09-30-2009, 12:54 AM

we're 30. and there is no way he will change his job been working towards it for years.
i wish i new what was wrong but cant put my finger on it. He told me it started off as a friendship that just grew and grew. Am i just kidding my self.

**Miya** · 09-30-2009, 06:05 AM

I feel if he's really made his choice (though I dislike that because it's like the guy has the opportunity to make the choice that affects you both) then he really needs to show (not just say) he's completely committed to you and remorseful for the pain he's caused you. (not remorseful for him getting caught). Otherwise for me it would be difficult to believe that something has changed and it's not just all sweet scented words while he's still bedding the other woman.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-30-2009, 06:30 AM

Well, if you can't put your finger on it here's some thoughts...

Do you laugh every week at least?

Talk about life?

Go out as a couple?

Hold hands?

Been on a holiday recently or even 1 night away together?

Are in-sinc in intimacy and both giving?

Or is it two people living in a house, tending to the chores, talking basically, no laughter, sex, but not exciting or giving, just the usual, no dinner dates, no laughter, etc, etc, etc,

CW

**Karma3** · 09-30-2009, 07:36 AM

Please don't sit and rack your brain trying to figure out where YOU went wrong. Some men are just selfish, they want it all and then some. I wouldn't settle for you being the accommodating one out of this. You say that he's worked so hard to get where he is at work. Maybe if he put forth the time that he's spending thinking about this girl at work towards his career, he might be able to excel into a higher paying job somewhere else. Does the company that he works for ever relocate employees to other locations? I don't know about you, but I couldn't handle knowing every day that he's going to work and seeing her.

If you don't mind me asking.....how did you find out about all of this?

juxxx · 09-30-2009, 09:01 AM

i found out on the computer he didnt tell me, i chucked him out that night. we have two kids 9 and 3. He moved back in a week later.

09-29-2009, 11:51 AM	#1
juxxx Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 8	Any Advice. ive just found out that my husband of 7 years has been having an affair. they work in the same office and have been sleeping with each other for about three months. he says she is very special and the feelings he has for her are different from what he has for me. he didnt want to finish with me because he loves me but didn't finish with her either. i asked him if he would give our marridge another go and he said he would give it 100%. how do i get that trust back or am i just heading for more pain.

09-29-2009, 12:19 PM	#2
Miya Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Born in Japan, now in Northern Virginia Posts: 589 Blog Entries: 3	Hi Juxxx... I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through this pain. Unfortunately trust is something that cannot be easily rebuilt after an event like this as the original violation undermines seemingly everything ever said and done. It just takes time to re-establish via the others actions (or non-action in the case of this other woman). My advice is just to be cautious but if you truly feel he's in your relationship completely, try to forgive and then see what happens from there. I wish you the best. __________________ Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Lord Buddha

09-30-2009, 06:05 AM	#7
Miya Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Born in Japan, now in Northern Virginia Posts: 589 Blog Entries: 3	I feel if he's really made his choice (though I dislike that because it's like the guy has the opportunity to make the choice that affects you both) then he really needs to show (not just say) he's completely committed to you and remorseful for the pain he's caused you. (not remorseful for him getting caught). Otherwise for me it would be difficult to believe that something has changed and it's not just all sweet scented words while he's still bedding the other woman. __________________ Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Lord Buddha

09-30-2009, 06:30 AM	#8
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,967 Blog Entries: 7	Well, if you can't put your finger on it here's some thoughts... Do you laugh every week at least? Talk about life? Go out as a couple? Hold hands? Been on a holiday recently or even 1 night away together? Are in-sinc in intimacy and both giving? Or is it two people living in a house, tending to the chores, talking basically, no laughter, sex, but not exciting or giving, just the usual, no dinner dates, no laughter, etc, etc, etc, CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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09-29-2009, 02:18 PM	#3
Karma3 VIP Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 62	I am so sorry Juxxx Rebuilding trust is not going to be an easy task but however, is not impossible to do if you both want to make this work. First things first.....your husband and the other women CANNOT continue to work together, day in and day out. Either she goes or he finds another job! In order for him to give you 100%, it has to be done. After this is done, hopefully everything else falls into place for the two of you.

09-29-2009, 11:54 PM	#5
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: SF bay area Posts: 1,334	I think you need to understand why he went to this other woman. If the reason is still there, he will probably do it again (with her or someone else). If you can figure out how to take the reason away, he might stay faithful.

09-30-2009, 12:54 AM	#6
juxxx Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 8	we're 30. and there is no way he will change his job been working towards it for years. i wish i new what was wrong but cant put my finger on it. He told me it started off as a friendship that just grew and grew. Am i just kidding my self.

09-30-2009, 07:36 AM	#9
Karma3 VIP Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 62	Please don't sit and rack your brain trying to figure out where YOU went wrong. Some men are just selfish, they want it all and then some. I wouldn't settle for you being the accommodating one out of this. You say that he's worked so hard to get where he is at work. Maybe if he put forth the time that he's spending thinking about this girl at work towards his career, he might be able to excel into a higher paying job somewhere else. Does the company that he works for ever relocate employees to other locations? I don't know about you, but I couldn't handle knowing every day that he's going to work and seeing her. If you don't mind me asking.....how did you find out about all of this?

09-30-2009, 09:01 AM	#10
juxxx Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 8	i found out on the computer he didnt tell me, i chucked him out that night. we have two kids 9 and 3. He moved back in a week later.