Bev-La

Hi, everyone! My name is Bev. and I'm 33 yrs.old. I have two beautiful boys and one controlling husband of 13 years.
Where should I start? Wow, I have so many stories to share that I could actually write a book. Funny but kinda sad!
Honestly, I don't know where to begin. I sort of knew that he was controlling when we first met but I thought it was just a phase. I didn't realized that it would escalate to this. One example, he keeps my bank card.
I also kind of blame myself. I use to be an alcoholic. He was my Knight In Shining Armour. He always picked up the pieces but now that I am clean, do I deserve to get some of the control back? Do I deserve to keep my own bank card? Am I allowed to just go for coffee, with anyone? Seriously, I don't know. I feel totally brain-washed!
I'm scared to think about it, but am I becoming one of those woman who let their husbands control every aspect of their life?
Oh my God, I use to be so independent back then. I use to be so happy and funny. What happened? Am I worthy enough to have my own life?
I have so many questions and doubts about my husband and myself.
This is my first time joining. I'm so nervous that I keep re-writing my phrases because I just might make someone upset.
He's not physical or anything. He's just controlling and a jerk.
Please reply! At this point, I will listen to anything.

Tex

Congratulations on being in recovery.

Yeah, you should be allowed to have your own bank card. Some of the controlling ways might have been helpful back when you were still suffering from alcoholism, but if you've recovered now and have kept sober then there is no reason for why you should not have independence and be able to make your own decisions.

Have you talked to him about this? Have you asked him if he is fearful of a relapse or why he insists on controlling you?

LanaBear

Congrats on your sobriety! That's great.

Can I ask how long you have been sober and how severe was your alcoholism?

On the outside, yes, your husband does sound controlling. If he was like this at the beginning of the relationship, unfortunately, it probably won't get better. On the other hand, some of this may be a result of your alcoholism.

My sister is a severe alcoholic. She has two kids (lost custody of both), been sober numerous times, etc. She has lost the trust of everyone in her life due it.

I'm not saying this is your case, but it could be some of it. Have you talked to him about this and what his reasoning is for controlling you to this extent?

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rcoreyus

Whether or not you were an alcoholic, he is your husband, not your parent, he doesn't have the right to control you.

CHANDLERS WISH

If you feel you've lost your independance, then that can tip you over the edge. He needs to understand what a recovering alcoholic needs in terms of encouragement, support and trust..

You should get him to consider reading a book in this regard if you can't talk logic into him.

Corey is right, your not a child, he's not your parent.

But, the way your describing this, it sounds either 1) recent and only over the past couple of years, or 2) happened 13 years ago, thereabouts and he's been like this all the way through.

I know that with addictions we dislike the people that are ensuring we keep the habit licked, so has it actually been that long?

A little more information can help I think in giving you answers as you can tell, the posters above have simular questions and thoughts.

Welcome to the Forum and good for you to not only stop but also to write about it and open up and talk.

We're good listeners, supporters and our "opinions" aren't bad either

CW

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OhThereYouAre

Guys, when you act in a childish manner, parental action is needed.

Not saying that you are acting childish now, but you admitted your alcoholism.

Sounds like its time to have a talk if you are better.

Why is he a jerk? Sounds like he stayed with you during your rough times. I wouldn't call that very jerk-ish.

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WildChild

Are you working outside the home? Do you have any income of your own? If so you should certainly have part of it to spend as you please. You state your husband has always been controlling, can you honestly say if that was in response to your behavior or was your behavior, in part, a response to his over-control? In any case you should certainly have access to some funds for your personal needs and a little indulgence such as lunch or coffee with a freind.

It's great that you are in recovery, that is a tough battle.

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happy ending

i was married to an alcoholic, who would not take responsibility for anything even his own actions, i was not as controlling as your husband, but did feel that all responsibility fell onto me. it might actually be a relief for him if you were to point out that now you are in control of yourself, you wish to take more control over your life, congratulations in gaining control of your drinking. take care.