SassiB

Hello All,

Im brand spankin new to this forum, but am in desperate need of help. My husband and i have been together for 14 years, with this being our 3rd year of marriage. Earlier this week my husband left his phone home by mistake of course. He asked our daughter to turn it off for him, which i thought was unusual, so of course i had to find out why...So, there it was...text messages between him and two ladies, flirting, even expressions of love. You know i had to confront him on this. He claims it was just innocent flirting, claiming that he needed attention form somewhere becasue he doesnt get it from me at all. Unfortunately im guilty as charged. I treat him like a roomate instead of a husband, but this comes from years of being at the end of his list of priorities. With the exception of the past 5 or 6 years, I was the one who always put him first and above all others. Initiated everything in our relationship, babied, nurtured, coddled, etc...took care of our children and him. While i was solidifing our family, he wanted to still hang in the streets. Then one day he changed..he turned into this awesome family man and started giving me the attention that i craved from him for all of those years while he was acting like he lived a single life! I guess somewhere along the line i became numb, learned how to live my life with my children...and eventually stopped caring. Stopped caring about how i looked to him, about how he felt, stopped caring about the relationship really. I loved him, and still do, I just didnt have the energy and didnt want to put the effort into maintaining a relationship that i felt didnt mean that much to him anyways. He blames me and I blame him for where we are now..Im not sure if the texting is just texting or something more, because men lie! I even asked the girl, who is married as well, she also says they just text..and nothing more, but who's to say she's telling the truth..after all, she's married as well. i mean, what does that say for her marriage?!? So here we are at a standstill. Wanting to work it out, but not sure how to do it. My husband wants to go to counseling becasuse he has some serious childhood issues that need to be dealt with, but as far as our marriage, how can we fix it? He has cheated on me before, and i just began trusting him again..now this. How can our marriage get back on track? Where do we start?

Hopeless Dork

Well unless he's texting himself -- those words are going out to SOMEONE... some living breathing woman. I have no idea WHY ppl insist on making the distinction that communication via text doesn't count.

"I would like to have sex with you , lets meet for drinks " said in person, on the phone, in an email OR EVEN via text... carries the same exact meaning.

If you mean he was cybersexing some anonymous chat program -- THAT is different, that is emotionally cheating and weird -- but in that case only would it hold a distinction because its only words.

But even if its a chat program, if he is exchanging pictures, telling intimate rl details or ask rl questions.... that is bad.

And if these are women he knows in real life already -- um, the words don't carry less power because they are typed , not said.

If he hasn't acted on anything yet or didn't plan on you guys will be able to work out with at least knowing he didn't get past the 'thinking' about doing wrong phase.

But as you said you are guilty as charge for treating him like a roomate, that does not excuse him lying and going behind your back... but it does make it, make more sense for why he would do that.

Yes, you gave and gave and he didn't reciprocate, if you feel you can't get over that -- get some counseling. But don't make yourself pay for it, him pay for it... but turning the cold shoulder with a revengful ' see how does that feel' attitude.

We all need to feel loved and wanted, he should have been making you feel that way all along, now that he is.. don't put him through what he put you through -- that won't make either of you happy.

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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Tex

You say there are even expressions of love. That means the texting is a form of emotional cheating.

But try to move beyond what happened in the past and forget about the finger pointing. Rather, discuss what the two want out of your marriage from now on. How does he see the ideal marriage? How do you see it? Are those two views even compatible? If they are, what do you need to do for both of you to be able to get there? Those are some of the questions you and he need to answer.

sourpuss

Sounds like you guys really need couples counseling.

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WildChild

I agree with HD, you have many years and kids involved, get into counseling. For several reasons. You both have unresolved issues, he was playing for several years, while you carried the load of making it all work, he had an affair - that always leaves wounds. You gave up a created a separate life within your marriage and while that is understandable, it kept the two of you from coming together when he did change. Now this behavior...

The fact that you didn't just kick him to the curb immediately and you are asking specifically how you can salvage the relationship says you should get some help. A good counselor (and there are plenty of poor ones) will help the two of you learn some new skills to communicate better and to sort out your feelings.

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Miya

It definitely sounds like the two of you need to reconnect with what brought you together into marriage in the first place. Counseling, done with an open heart and wish to get things straightened out by BOTH of you (has to be both who want it) may help you.

I wish you the best.

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Do not dwell in the past,
do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.

-Lord Buddha

LanaBear

As always HD is awesome. She said it perfectly.

You both have issues that need to be worked out individually and as a couple. Get into counseling and work on them together. Work past the past and work towards the future.

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Passion

If your husband has talked about counseling then it sure means that he wants to work it out with you. So go to counseling and I do wish you the best.

SassiB

Thanks to all of you for your words of advice..i just want to get past all the hurt. Thanks again.

sperosi

do you want to get past the hurt, or fix the relationship?

have you two talked about this?