KareBare

I have seen similar problems listed here, but mine is a tad different. My BF of 2 years is exhibiting all the signs he is a closet bi or gay. We have a very open relationship, and have often brought a 3rd guy to our bed. I am totally ok with that, I really dont care if he likes 20 something boys, I do too.
My issue is we are going thru a bad time right now and I feel he shuts me out, so in turn I shut him out. I know in my heart that when we are apart he is sneaking around on me. We had an agreement when we first met that we would be keep it in the open and not sneak around.
I had access to his phone and email recently and confirmed my doubts. My problem is that he totally denys that he likes the boys, he denys that he is sneaking around and then accuses me of cheating. I haven't but I have had plenty of oportunties if I desired.To compound the issue we have not had sex in 4 months and I am climbing the walls. When I try to address my issues and feelings to him I am accused of being unreasonable and cranky and combative. I really think that he does love me, but I think he is afraid of love. I really have no issue if he is bi, I get to enjoy the boys too. My issue is he knows what he is, I know, all of our friends know, None of us have an issue with it, we all still love him. Why cant he just accept it and we can get back to where we were? How can I get him to be with me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. I just wont tolerate cheating. Is this relationship salvageable or am I just banging my head against the wall.

kms

Hmm... what if he's not bi? Or if he is, how do you know for certain that he doesn't like guys more than girls? You said that everyone knows he's bi so why doesn't he just admit to it... but what if the real issue is that he's realizing that he's more on the gay side than on the bi side, and he's afraid of the repurcussions? Perhaps, as you've said, he does love you, but he's realizing that he's not 'in love' with you because he's tasted what it's like to be with men and it's just more fulfilling? The fact that you haven't had sex in several months would raise a red flag for me... again, now that he's experienced something else, he just can't fake the fact that he doesn't enjoy it?

I'm also wondering if he's trying to push you to break up with him so he won't be the bad guy and he won't have to come clean to the real truth on his orientation?

Obviously I'm just guessing based on what you've said, and there could be much more to the story that would change things. He could also be developing a relationship with one of these guys too, and may feel confused and unsure of what that means, and where his current relationship fits in to all that.

You might just try to talk to him, gently, openly... just ask him what's going on without accusing him of anything or being angry. You just want to know... want to help... neither of you want to be in a relationship that is in a bad place... and maybe he's confused or unsure or afraid of the consequences and would need some encouragement from you to start talking.

KareBare

Thank you for your input. I am now at the point we cant even communicate without a huge fight. I have a feeling he is more gay than bi. I am still ok with that. I just want honesty in our relationship and he cant be honest. His friends cant wait to tell me what is going on, I dont ask they just call and tell me.
I have tried to talk to him about what I feel, but he doesnt want to hear it. Then he wants to accuse me of cheating on him. I am staying at a friends house and he is mad cuz his friends are helping me.
I just dont know how to reach him any more. And I feel stranded as he moved me from my career, my family, my friends, and my home. I really thought that he was who I would be with for the rest of my life. Now he just pushes me away and shuts me out. Which of course makes me shut down as I am trying to keep from getting too hurt myself.
I really love this guy and it hurts so much that he has shut me out. I just dont know how to reach him.
sorry about rambling on and on.

Tex

What's it like when you have another guy in the bedroom? Does your boyfriend do anything sexually with the other man or does he just like having another naked guy around?

It could be that he himself can't accept that he's gay and doesn't want to talk about it even if you and others tell him that it'd be fine for him to be gay. Accusing you of cheating sounds like a diversion tactic that's meant to draw the attention away from him.

KareBare

When we have another guy he says it just cuz he wants to watch me have sex with him, but he likes to suck the guy and be sucked. He hasnt ed or been ed in my presence but I know he wants to. We have toys and he likes a dildo in his , but I like to be DP'd so its ok. I just cant understand why he cant be honest and why he pushed me away. I was totally ok with it, I just asked that he doesnt cheat and go behind my back.
He talks alot about the times he was with other guys, when he was younger, which is why I think he is more toward gay then bi. I think he has to portray this macho image as he wants his daddy's approval. I have lots of friends that are gay and I dont care, I even had a lesbian lover at one point. Altho I couldnt do her, I did let her do me. I know that was very one sided, but she like the conquest of having an affair with a straight girl..
I just dont know how to reach my BF without turning it into a big arguement. I still love him and I want to be with him. I just feel that it is all one sided and that I am a big idiot cuz he isnt ever going to love me back. I think he wanted me as a cover for what he truely is, but then why push me away?

CHANDLERS WISH

Hun, I think your right.. I think reality is he is gay but doesn't want people to know that, and so, you are his card allowing people to think that he is only "bi"... I think your being blind personally and I am so sorry to say that. You keep defending what he is doing and what he is doing, is...

He likes to suck a guy.
He likes a guy to do that back with him.
He likes you to use a Dildo... He uses one on you.
He talks about the times in his youth.
He can't come out because Dad won't approve.


Your amongst gay people, you've even experimented allowing a lady with you.

But, love, if they aren't bi, and they are gay, you can't change that.

If they are bi, yes you can and your in denial that he's bi, hoping to keep the relationship but I believe he's a closest gay, trying to hide..

That's why he is pushing you away and hasn't had sex for 4 months... He is dying to come out but can't.

You are a cover sweet. Sorry. And, he pushes you away, because you don't want to believe it, and he has that cover, so he's safe.

CW

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Hopeless Dork

I have to agree with CW on this. I know that you are perfectly okay with his being bi, and perfectly okay with the fact he's more gay than bi... but even if you were perfectly okay with him being totally gay and not the least bit interested in you sexually.... eventually you will tire of that. He will be more of a best friend than a boyfriend and even then if you are okay with that.....

One day he might decide he just doesn't need you in the house at all, he doesn't need the cover, and would like to persue a man on man relationship with out a female accessory (that he of course cares deeply for).

Maybe he's pushing you away because he actually has a heart and knows he is stringly you along. You might have to start mentally preparing yourself to let this one go

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