kslp00

My husband has a problem. The problem is that I'm going to leave him unless he starts to defend/support me to his family, primarily his father and stepmother.

I could be wrong or overreacting and I need objective advice. It all started when his father and stepmother came to visit us. We have four girls between us, one "his," two "mine," and one "ours." My 5 year old daughter confronted the stepmother about her smoking (she was doing it in their sight and I always took offense to smokers, and this passed to her). Stepmother was so offended, that she didn't even acknowledge "my" three children at Christmastime, but sent "his" daughter a present.

She, then, did not acknowledge "my" daughter's 3 year old birthday.

Against my better judgment, we visited at their house in July. Again, my eldest took offense at her smoking. (I told her not to say anything, but she is very, very headstrong.) After we left this family party, the stepmother made disparaging remarks about my daughter to all left, saying she had no respect. She never mentioned any of this to me, just to everyone around me.

She, then, proceeded to send "his" daughter a birthday PRESENT and "our" (one year old first birthday) a card only. Very impersonal and little effort.

All I have asked for is an apology. I want her to say, "Hey, I overreacted to a child's comment and I never should have said anything about her to other people. I will stop treating one daughter above the others, and treat them all fairly." My husband is a fence rider and will not support me. He says one thing to me and another to them. This has torn my marriage apart.

I feel he is not strong enough to protect myself and my children. He has lied and omitted information. He called me one day and said that his "father will be there by the end of the day," after I made it clear I'd like an apology. Please help me get through this or another marriage will end up a statistic.

happy ending

i dont understand why you are "punishing" your husband for the actions of his family. you are right, your marriage probably will shortly be a statistic and your husband's stepmother will be happy, is this what you want.

obviously, you dont like this woman, your children have picked up on this, and are commenting on her smoking to support you. this probably does sound disrespectful to her. children shouldnt really join into adults problems.

i realise you are probably just venting, but obviously someone needs to show a bit of maturity - if its not going to be the stepmother, then it has to be you.

happy ending

just for your information i dont smoke, dont really like it, but what a person does in their own house, should not be commented on by children. you need to explain that to your children, and quickly.

WildChild

Got to agree with Happy on this. I don't smoke, don't allow it in my home or my vehicle. I have kids who grew up in a smokefree environment but they have known all their lives that we do not comment on people's choices within their homes. When we go to auntie's house and she smokes we hug her and love her and that's none of our business - certainly not the kids business. We had discussions about how hard it is for someone to quit and that it's better for us not to get into that situation.

Within your own home you can certainly chose not to let people smoke and I've never had anyone have a problem with stepping outside to do so.

At 5 kids are old enough to be told and understand that it is rude to comment on something like this. If you can't handle a 5 yr old what are you going to do when she is 15? You have to start getting a handle on this now to save yourself a world of grief later.

Your husband is not responsible for the actions of his family. I agree that the stepmother is acting in an immature and hurtful way toward the children, which is inexcusable. You've got your husband between a rock and a hard place though. The two of you need to sit down calmly and discuss positive ways of handling this. Any chance of asking everyone to simply start over?

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sperosi

i understand why you are upset, but you are overreacting. your husband is probably very embarrassed by the actions of the step-mom. you have to keep in mind that the relationship between a child - even an adult one - and a step parent is usually tenuous as best.

she is evil as you said, and there's not much you can do about it but let your husband know how she makes you feel, how she is unfair to your children, and that you don't want to associate with her.

CHANDLERS WISH

It takes time to accept other children that aren't your husbands.

That sounds horrible, but it's an emotional thing... She wants to know that if she bonds with your child it's forever. She already knows she can bond with his, it's his child/children it will always be the case.

She disagrees and feels that you have made your child talk about her addiction, it's an addiction and she knows it but won't accept it. Addicts of any kind won't accept and so they won't accept anyone telling them they are wrong.. In her eyes, your child is judging her and it's your fault and therefore there's a rift.

She is not evil at all.

You need to say to her, I am trying to ensure my children, all of them don't smoke you more than anyone know it's addiction... She is so young and is only reacting to what we are trying to stop her from doing later in life, she is a child and knows no different. I don't hate smokers it's their/your life and I respect that, perhaps I need to also teach my child that if other's do it, it's okay, just not what you want to do with your life... Perhaps I've been to strong on my beliefs and I am sorry it offended you.

What is wrong with that? You can't force your beliefs on anyone, only try to guide them.

You can't expect an addict ( I am a smoker ) to accept being told off.

And you can not blame your husband and threaten to leave because he doesn't agree.

You are in effect, throwing your beliefs on smoking into all of this and blaming everyone instead of realising that it's choice... Theirs/yours and your child's future choice.

And, sometimes we have to give to get as well... You can't have it all your way... You need to understand it's choice, people's choice and guide your children all of them the best way you can but in the understanding that we are all individuals and respect is up-most for that individuality.

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kslp00

Hi. Thank you for your comments and I have taken everything into consideration. However, everyone has focused on her smoking vs. her consequent actions against my children.

The first incident occurred at my house. At Christmas, she and I had a discussion about why my children were excluded by her family. She stated that my 5 year old asked her why she was sleeping in "her Mimi and Pappy's bed," (My parents live close and visit frequently.) and this offended her to the point of not wanting to include her in Christmas. Remember, this is a 5 year old who only ever saw her Mimi and Pappy sleep in that bed since we bought this house. I thought her animosity was immature. She never even mentioned the smoking until months later.

I agree my child should have kept her little yip shut while visiting her in July, but she is not undisciplined. She is in the gifted and talented program, extremely bright, and I think she worries that her "nana" is going to die from this. She asked me if her lungs are black and if she's going to die soon. Believe it or not, she really likes her, even after all this.

So, you all don't think an apology is in order? I've already apologized for my daughter's comments about my parents and the smoking issues. Also, one of these children she is excluding is my husband's, so it's not just a "step" issue. Why is an apology so out of line? Thanks.

OhThereYouAre

Ask yourself....what will an apology....probably an insincere apology at that....accomplish?

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WildChild

Additional information does make a clearer picture. It's clear this woman has some real issues and there isn't much you can do about that. Excluding children is a really mean thing to do. But you can't force her or change her behavior. All you can control is your own response. Making your husband responsible for or answerable for this won't help. It's not even his mother but his step mother. The two of you need to sit down and work out a untied response.

You may have to simply explain to your children that while they need to be respectful; this woman is not their grandmother and that they should not expect gifts and such from her. It's unfortunate that there are quite a few immature adults in the world, muc has we want to protect our children from any pain or hurt, we can't always do so.

You could just explain the some people don't have the ability to give love or gift very easily and that this woman needs sympathy.

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Iris Mudoch, British writer

Ahryin

ok at first I was a little confused but I think I understand more...here is the thing guess what..YOU are the mother! Which means your kids have to be with you..not them! Honestly if it was me I would not send my kids by them...because guess what else its a priveldge to see my kids! Not a necessity! When I say my kids i'm talking about your husbands as well because they are yours now!
I wouldn't be to upset with your husband, though I can understand where you are coming from...I have realized taht sometimes especially when it comes to family a woman has to be the backbone. That's his father and stepmother, he isn't going to want to disrespect his father and if he disrespects his stepmother that is disrespecting his father. I would shower my kids with as much love as possible..eventually the stepmother is going to want to see the kids, or the grandfather is going to want to know why he hasn't seen his grandkids at that point I would say what it is I felt I needed to say.

I do not believe a child should ever be treated differently no matter what the situation

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