Need Some Suggestions

**always hopeful** · 12-31-2009 03:28 PM

Hello all, its me again with an update to the crazy world I live in.....after my last post hubby and i talked and talked, i expressed some of my feelings and so did he....but on the Dec 11, 12 he HAD to go to these parties because he says he made a committment and then again on Dec 18 and 19...both weekends he got too drunk to drive home (let me explain we live approximately 45 minutes outside the city) and he did not come home.....well on the 23rd I BLEW MY COOL....the day started off okay until he phones tell me that his "girl" friend Shawna dropped off a xmas present for my son and a card for US...well maybe I over reacted but she does not know me let alone my son. I was so upset I called a mutal friend of ours which happens to be a pastor (remember my hubby is not religous, they met playing baseball), I told him pretty much everything. I was so upset....anyways I left with my son and we went to visit some friends. Hubby called pissed off wondering where we were (simply because it is out of the ordinary for us NOT to be home)...anyways after awhile we came home he was in bed, and says "thanks for letting me know you were going out" well enough is enough...i said well whats good for the goose is good for the gander... anyways a fit ensued, I basicaly let him have it, I told him that is was UNACCEPTABLE that he has female friends that are NOT mutual -- his answer -- well why are you not friends with her???? that just made me more mad, i told that i was so tried of him going out and not wanting to stay home and be with his family, i told him that he should go be with Shawna since they are exactly the same, like the same music, like to party, like each other company and so on....i let my heart out completely. I also told him that I NEED ATTENTION FROM HIM AND I NEED HIM AROUND BECAUSE WE ARE A FAMILY. He told me that I was being jealous and that I do not trust him and that he did not want to stay at home all the time because it is boring. Anyways long story short he was pretty mad because I was totally and completely honest with him on ALL my feelings and for the simple fact that I was done sitting back and letting him do whatever he wants.

During Christmas not much was said except that he was not leaving us, and that I should not give up???? After Christmas we went and talked with the pastor and one different thing was brought up....he said "that I have a replacement now (meaning my son) and that I dont need him??? He also thinks I am evil because it is so easy for me to end it...I told him that I have been trying to get his attention for 23 years, and that I was stupid for staying so long thinking it would be any different. Like everyone has said "he wants his cake and eat too". And yes I am at fault for giving him too much rope and maybe it is me who is going to hang themselves. I really do not know what he wants from me??? It is pretty hard to be affectionate and loving to someone who doesn't want to be around us, finds us boring, and finds excitment with other people, other women....I am terribly hurt and maybe I am asking to much but when is enough, enough???? Maybe I am the one to blame? Maybe I am the one who has changed? Maybe I do not give him enough attention?? Doesn't it take two??? What is family life supposed to be like? I have no idea what to do?? All I know is that I cannot continue down this road....any suggestions to try and get things back on track? I do love him but I do not love this......

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-31-2009 04:47 PM

Your husband has a serious problem with "commitment".

Why did you blow your cool over Shawna? I imagine that he has mentioned her before? Was it gut feeling? I don't personally understand why he would call you to inform you of that, a gift is a gift, it's here or there, but to telephone you to tell you, bit sussy to me.

It's a new year, I suggest if he can't get his act together and can't stop playing the single batchelor then quit the threats, go away to your family or friends for a few days and let him see what it's like to be without you.

Claiming he's bored to be at home, well that's an area you need to ascertain whether or not you can together fix. Remember how you both started out and how much fun you had, if you can get that back then work hard towards it. There are two sides to every story.

It seems he's just taking the easy road out and playing batchelor and saying pfttt.. to you and your needs.

Work it or tell him he'll lose it.

CW

**somiserable** · 01-01-2010 01:27 PM

The doing drugs bit, I can probably understand why he said it (probably to loosen up and all that sort of thing) but its a big no no, drugs and drink cloud your vision and people end up doing things they regret later. But suggesting you have a threesome!!! What planet is he on? Where is his respect for you? If you were up for it and wanted to then that is a decision for you to make, you've told him no and he still wants to push it on you? Mid life crisis defo! Tell him to treat you with some respect or your leaving, no ifs no buts, you obviously dont stop him going out, hes not constricted in any way so what is his problem? (and it his is not yours!!!!)

**always hopeful** · 01-13-2010 05:59 AM

well all, I thought I would give you the low down on whats been happening since xmas.

It has been like there is a big purple elephant in the room and no ones talking about it. I thought we were on the right track when we were invited as a family to go with some friends to celebrate the "English" new year (starts around 2pm celebrate at 5pm) I though perfect, I do not have to keep my son up and we can celebrate the new year as a family. Well he agreed, he went to work that day saying he would be home by 3pm and we would go. Then at 2pm he phones saying that going over at 3pm is too early and he didn't want to spend all night out?? What the reason for going was not to be out all night...anyways I couldn't go because we only have one car so there I am stuck again. While on his way home at 7pm, he phoned and I was mad so I told him so, and he just kept trying to justify why. Not sure what he did from 2-7pm. Then he says well I am going through town so maybe "I" will stop in and have a drink with them....WHAT I said well don't bother because you will just look like a fool for not showing with your family...well that set him off. I did not care....I told him that we talk about doing things together, we make a plan and then YOU do not follow thru. He just got mad because I told him that he would make a fool of himself if he went by himself....am I right?? All our mutal friends with their families are there, we are supposed to show up as a family and then we don't but he shows up on his own? Anyways we had another heated discussion in which he told me that he just wanted me to "smarten up" WTF? I said okay well I will just go back to not saying anything and you can do whatever you want but NOT HERE! He refused to leave.

Again back to big purple elephant in the room, nobody saying anything.....

I have been doing some serious thinking and I think I am one who has changed and he is the same....I just really never noticed because there was not a little person involved. I had both parents when I grew up, my dad was always home...being a family. Him on the other hand had an absusive mother and a father that was never home....Yes it is passed down...he always says he never wants to be that way...but surprise he is and I told him so!

A few nights ago, he brings up that we need to start doing more things together, me and him and as a family or we are not going to make it. It was really hard for me not to attack him so I just simply said "you plan some stuff". Again he got on the subject that he doesn't want to grow old and spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch. I do not know what to say anymore, I think I have tried every angle...am I missing an angle?

He has been spending more time around..but he does nothing...watches hockey, plays computer games....I really think that he is only sticking around because of our son, but if that stays the same hes okay because he gets the best of both worlds but what about me?

**pretzel** · 01-13-2010 06:46 AM

My impression,

It would be real easy to say he's going through a mid life crisis, but that's BS.

He's being totally irresponsible and disrespectful to you.

That's completely immature. He needs to understand that his responsibilities are first and foremost to you and his children. He needs to understand that there are no time limits on marriages, commitments, and responsibilities.

He can't relive his youth. He made that choice twenty some years ago.