Thread: Not wanting sex in a marriage

Yeah I would agree that getting yourself in the mindset will help a great deal. I'm incredibly busy and always have so much to do and so much on my mind that sex is usually further down my list of priorities, yet my SO needs it as a way to relieve stress, tension, etc. so he definitely doesn't push it to the bottom of his list! I have to remind myself to make time for him each evening - just schedule it in (without telling him because he hates that). When he gets home, just have something sexy on with the intent of seducing him, play around with him, etc. Even if I'm not really 'in the mood', just the act of putting on sexy clothes and interacting with him in that way usually changes my attitude, and I'm pleasantly surprised to find myself wanting it too.

When I was in grad school (for counseling psychology), one of my professors told me that he often struggled with showing his feelings, not just to clients, but to people in general (as do I). He told me that the way he overcame it was by consciously making sure his facial expressions showed the emotion he wanted to portray. At first it was awkward, but over time it became more and more natural. This may also apply in your situation - you might not feel it or want to express sexual desire, but if you go through the motions with positive determination, your feelings will likely start to catch up. Plus, it should at least make you feel good inside to know that you are satisfying him, making him happier, and doing something positive for the relationship.

Don't forget about his feelings too in this process. I wonder how he's feeling about you always rejecting him...?? Guys do have feelings too, and his self esteem could definitely be affected by the fact that his own wife does not even desire him sexually. Ouch. If you just sat down and talked it out with him, told him that you know what's going on isn't good, you feel bad, you are still really attracted to him but you are just having trouble feeling turned on and you can't figure out what the problem is... just be honest so at least he knows what is going on and isn't blaming himself or imagining all sorts of other possibilities! Then maybe you two can work on it together instead of you shouldering it all on your own.