What is wrong with us?

**ristakrat** · 11-25-2009 12:23 PM

Deep breath....sigh

It is really hard for me to talk about something like this. That is probably why I am resulting to a forum where no one knows me or my fiancee.

I have managed to get myself in quite a bind.

My fiancee and I are getting married in 5 months. He is a terrible lover, kisser, and sex is a disaster.

I avoid kissing him more than pecks on the mouth because he is the sloppiest, slobberiest kisser ever.

I know kissing is wet as I have kissed others, but after we DO kiss the first thing I look for is a towel. It is seriously dripping down my face, or I get absolutely flooded with his spit in my mouth.

It sends shivers down my spine. Because I avoid kissing at all costs, foreplay is impossible.

I totally enjoy body kisses and licks... who doesn't? But with him... it is disgusting. The slobber sits on my body until it gets cold... and then I have cold slobber sitting on my breasts and other uncomfortable places on my body.

Sex: What a nightmare. We have been together for 3 years and he still either goes in less than 3 minutes (This is the only reason I have been agreeing to it lately... the shorter the better) loses his boner putting on a condom or just opening one, or never goes.

I have spiced it up with everything in Cosmo and it always ends badly and each time I swear I'll never do it again. On the rare occasion that he lasts over 5 minutes it is awful. I'm just getting POUNDED.

I situate myself so that I might enjoy it, but he is just a monster and situates himself so that it hurts me. There is a curvature to his penis... yes sex hurts sometimes.

He is a good man. He cares about me and makes me so happy outside the bedroom. I love him so much and know that marrying him is the best thing for my life. He will be a great father and his income is fabulous.

He is just the worst lover I have ever experienced. I find myself thinking of the sex I used to have with other people. My fiancee told me that I am the best sex he has ever had..... I find this comical because if that is so... he doesn't know what sex is. I feel bad for him. 3 minutes of uncomfortable humping or 30 minutes of brainless pounding all the while sweating ALL OVER (seriously... after sex, the bed is soaked.

We usually have to change the sheets.) me and drooling is the worst time I have ever had.... what can I say to him? How can I fix this? I wish he had had more partners before me so that he could have refined his tactics. Instead, I have a sloppy, drooling, sweaty monster.

Ugh... I long for good sex and foreplay. His version of foreplay is nudging me over and over with his penis in the morning. This is the biggest turn off in the world to me... he doesn't even know I'm awake... wth
I don't know what to do... is there any fixing him?

He is so worth it. I am tired of replacing the batteries in my vibrator!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-25-2009 01:10 PM

Finances, (tick)
Good Father (tick)
Good Man (tick)

Lousy kisser & lover.

There's a few things here.

Firstly, a lousy lover can be guided into the best lover you've ever had.. Each man is different sexually, as is each woman. The beauty of a long term relationship is that the two of you can experience and experiement and talk as you go along, suiting each other's sexual needs. That includes things that "he" likes to do as well, such as nudging you over and over with his penis, (that's only trying to get your attention), let's face it and would fade into the background, once you both are more in-sinc with each other.

So, start guiding him.

Secondly, 3 years? And, in all this time, he's loved to want to passionately kiss you but you've never told him that you don't like all the saliva? Why? How can you marry someone who "is a sloppy, drooling, sweaty monster"? that by your own admission makes you feel sick?

I don't get the "changing the sheets" from drool... seriously, you may be best to explain that one a little more, I can't visualise anyone disposing of that much saliva, unless he was a "real monster".. just saying, if it wasn't for the rest of your text, I wonder?

If you also reminise about other lovers, is that fair in a relationship that is mean't to be "forever?".. Your lying in bed, he's in love with you but your dreaming of Jonny?

And, where will that lead you in 3 years time, if you get married?

I also have a slight problem with his "income is fabulous", he'd make a "good Father"..

You marry someone "for richer or poorer" and because you can't see yourself ever wanting any other man in your life.

You do.. You want your ex lovers and, sorry if I sound harsh, but looking at it from him being a provider is not the reason to marry someone.

I would suggest you don't marry firstly, in 5 months time, you both concentrate on what you personally both want sexually and discuss this openly and start moving in that direction to change it. That you let him know that the position he moves to hurts you, that you don't be selfish (not saying you are), but you don't and you both together, learn each other's bodies and what each other likes.

And, please don't call your fiancee a "monster", he's your fiancee whom you should love un-conditionally, rather he has a saliva problem

Nothing broken, can't be fixed, for now. But, if you neglect to fix it and just continue carrying on, it will remain broken. And, you will end up having an affair and a Divorce, with a child and no money...

It depends on how much you "really love him". He may be in-experienced but a good woman can always guide a man to be her best lover ever, if it's her body entwinned with his on mutual ground of exploration and excitement - together.

CW

**ristakrat** · 11-25-2009 01:31 PM

Thank you for your advice. I really do love him and want him to be the one I spend the rest of my life with. He is my best friend and I care so much about him. It is definitely worth working through and being open about. I have told him that he slobbers too much and we try and have kissing sessions so he can learn (he says I am a great kisser and teacher) but nothing ever gets better. Its still pretty gross.
Oh... and we have to change the sheets because he sweats all over them. Anything longer than 3 mins and its a mess.
As far as other lovers, the sex was great. But I'm looking for more than just that in a relationship now and despite the terrible sex, out relationship is perfect. We have talked about it every now and then and both agree that is the only thing we wish was different.

Thanks again!

**WildChild** · 11-25-2009 01:32 PM

I agree with CW. Finances shouldn't be your top concern, that can change anytime. That he would be a good father is important, but what if you end up without any children? It happens.

How can you even consider marrying a man you don't want touching you and don't want sex with? Pastpone the wedding, talk to him and start working on this. If you make progress and find your feelings are changing then you can reconsider the wedding, otherwise you need to free him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-25-2009 01:43 PM

All men "sweat" some more than others

Perhaps he has a gland problem and needs to seek a Doctor to ascertain and see what they may be able to do.

If he thinks your a good teacher, you can teach him positions.

3 minutes, 5 minutes, the more a man has sex, the longer he will eventually be able to control himself.. Also, perhaps he should masterbate more and before he has sex with you so he has more control.

The saliva again, he can speak to his Doctor about, glands in your throat, sweat glands, there could be a gland problem.

Get him to practice on an apple or something and try to learn to control the saliva, practice makes perfect at the end of the day.

But, a sexless marriage, results in affairs and Divorce or a very, very, very, lonely life, regardless as all you will have is a "best friend" so no only will you fantasize over other men, you will feel depressed of the affection/intimacy you will miss from your partner.

You need to still in my opinon, resolve this issue before you get married.

CW

**stressed** · 11-25-2009 02:50 PM

I agree with the point "resolve it before you marry".

Yes, companionship, friendship, love, care, honesty are very important, but sex is equally important. You are only going to have sex with this man for the rest of your life and when you have experienced better you just can't let it go. It's impossible.

I feel for you. It has been 3 years for me too, sex has never been close to what it has been with past lovers and he brings up marriage every now and then. He also tells me I'm the best, but that doesn't mean much. I just can't get myself to marry when sex is an issue as it makes me wonder "if it is this bad at this stage, it can only get worse". Because how much improvement can one expect after 3 years of having tried everything? When we try everything, when we discuss and yet we don't see an outcome how long are we supposed to wait for improvement?

Try to discuss the issue slowly, bring up the points and mention that he is perfect but sex lacks something. Offer new things, books, ideas, see how he reacts. Help him a little each day by showing him what feels better for you without pressuring him.

But if you manage to solve this do let me know how you did...

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-25-2009 02:57 PM

You say the relationship is great, but unless you are not a sexual person (and it sounds like you are) sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship. I also question your true feelings for this man... re-read what you wrote and ask yourself how that would make him feel if he saw your words. Who would say such things about a person they love?

Its not that you said he slobbers or sweats or isn't that great at intercourse... its the way you said it. Cold and cruel. I'm sorry thats just how it came across to me.

You speak well of him with his finances and then so poorly of him as far as your attraction goes. If I found out my boyfriend said things in the manner you did, even to an anonymous forum... using words like monster and gross to describe me. I'd be hard pressed to believe he loved me if those words popped into his mind when describing me.

Sounds like to me you found a nice guy, with a thick wallet... your ducks are all in a row, but you don't seem all that "into" him at all , really.

I wish you the best of luck and if he's a good man and caring and understanding than he would be able to listen to you and learn to do the things that please you the most.

**stressed** · 11-25-2009 05:31 PM

I have actually heard of couples where one of the two feels close to the point of disgust when it comes to every day intimate things such as kissing or more advanced such as sweating during sex, or the sight/odour of certain body parts and so on. It doesn't always have to do with something suspicious. There are couples that don't match physically but try to stay together for all the rest they have found in each other.

I understand it is very unusual and hurtful for one to refer to her loved one as a drooling monster but at the same time I can give her the benefit of the doubt and wonder if we just have to do with a very bad physical match.

By her posts I get more the feeling of someone sexually frustrated than of a woman who is trying to convince herself to marry out of money a man she doesn't love. Just because this man has a good income doesn't mean that every woman he is with is after his money or that the one he is with has no right to find any flaws. I think the OP mentioned it as an overall plus more than a reason to stay with him.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-25-2009 10:44 PM

I know some people choose the one they marry for things other than looks/physical attraction...insides over outsides and fall in love with soul so deeply that the outside doesnt matter... lack of physical attraction etc... but that kind of love still doesn't refer to person they aren't that attracted to as a gross drooling sweaty monster... sorry to me that is not the way someone speaks about someone they LOVE.

Some people marry a best friend whom they have nothing sexual in common but they have a bond of companionship... again... they would not refer to the person they love in demeaning terms.

I understand the OP might be frustrated with her lack of attraction to this man... but if the attraction is bad you have to resort to calling him names and being disgusted by him... it seems like you two are ill-matched , regardless of if hes a grand friend with mega bucks.

I know some married or couples that have been together a long time build a bond that supercedes attraction, as they age and change, medical issues etc... that they love beyond the attraction..

But generally couples going into a marriage or commitment have some kind of attraction to each other, mental or physical or hopefully both but even if one of the two is lacking , respect should be present... I didn't see that respect present in anything said.

**kms** · 11-25-2009 11:06 PM

Have you ever been attracted to him? It sounds to me as though you really aren't attracted to him at all, and I'm wondering if you there was ever attraction there or if you've lost it over time.

Second, if he's not very experienced, then he doesn't need OTHER lovers to give him experience - you can do that better than anyone else can, because you know what you like in sex more than anyone else!

It's good that you've attempted to talk to him about it, but it sounds as though you haven't been absolutely honest with how serious it is to you. I say that because if he really loves you and wants to marry you, he would make a serious effort to make things better for you.

Now, there are a lot of things YOU can do to make the situation better. Instead of passively letting him pound you for 2 minutes, why don't you initiate sex and take charge. Get on top of him - you put it in, you take control over the speed. Show him what it's like to go slowly. Put his hands where you want him to touch you. Guide his actions, coach him gently as you go. Have him massage you or touchyou in ways that you enjoy before even having intercourse so that you are almost ready to orgasm by the time you start having sex. That way even if he finishes within a few minutes, you can finish with him.

You could also help him learn how to control himself and last longer by alternating between playing around with his penis and giving him a blow job. You can give him a blow job until you sense that he's getting close, then back off and play with him with your hands to help cool him down a little. I do this sometimes with my SO. He doesn't have a problem finishing quickly, but he loves it when I bring him almost to orgasm and then back it off to where he gets a little softer - and then I start sucking again and bring him back up to almost orgasm again, and back down. You could also do this when you're having sex as well by YOU being the one in control - going fast and then slowing things down, back and forth. It's easier to do this with oral sex though since you can feel when he's about to orgasm more easily.

The issue here is that he thinks sex is great, so essentially the problem is yours. If you want it resolved, you need to help him out a bit more. Show him what you want, communicate, don't be harsh but be encouraging, helpful, loving.

Good sex doesn't just fall out of the sky magically; it takes time and a lot of practice to learn how to do it well. Plus, two people could be incredibly experienced but since everyone is unique, it will still take time for them to learn specifically what the other enjoys.

If sex is purely the issue here, then it's completely fixable since both of you can work together to make it better. But if the issue is that you aren't even attracted to him at all, this is something else. You need to spend some time exploring what it is exactly that turns you off about him. And likely it's not something purely physical; it may be something more than that. Someone else mentioned that you may not be a biological match, but if that were the case, you wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place. If you were attracted to him but lost it over time, then something else is going on. Perhaps you just aren't compatible personality-wise, or maybe you are just mentally in different places, or maybe you don't value the same things, on and on. All these can play a huge role in attraction.