Respect first, love second?

**rachel801** · 11-26-2009 11:24 AM

Men, correct me if I'm wrong, but I realized that Men desire respect even more than love, and because women desire love first, many of them do not understand this. This creates so many problems.

Women are wired to respect men only if they look up to them, if they are successful, if they are powerful, if they are honorable. A lot of women fall in love with someone who treats them right (they are so lucky for this) but he may not be as successful as her or does not have more money, etc. If you make him feel inferior for this, you kill his ego and drive him away.

I've seen this happen so many times, but men who are assholes get all the women, and men who give everything to the woman he loves just gets disrespected over and over again. Women, if you have a man who LOVES you and treats you like a queen, BE GRATEFUL for this and never let him go. That type of love deserves the ultimate respect.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-26-2009 02:37 PM

Isn't it more the case on your first line that "those" types of personalities have egos. They command respect and if recipicated are in control. I believe a woman falls in love the moment she becomes intimate, "lust" but in her eyes, this is her new man, whereas, the man has no such emotions, it's sex. He falls in love over the person and over time, if that time is allowed, if he hasn't obtained the prize straight away and therefore "respects" her.

Alot of men are intimidated by powerful women, and they may be successful only in Title, not financially, but as the man "works" for a living and she "manages" for a living, he sees her as having more power and his ego is shot, as he feels she would not go out with him, or if she did, not stay. Therefore, he is not a confident person within himself.

Men who are giving can "smother" sometimes, and have a weak personality, be in-secure and out comes "baby don't you love me?", or out comes jealousy or clinginess and women don't like weak personalities, they look up to a man as their Father figure as they looked up to this tall man who looked over her, calling her Princess as a child. In most families, the Mother is the one who disiplines daily as she is the person home and Mother's will say "wait till your Father gets home" and so the fear of no, Daddy loves me but he's going to find out I did bad, creates a sadness as she looks up at him, so she doesn't get upset when told off by him. The pattern continues, as usually Father's adore their little girls and Mother's adore their little boys, not quite so equal for some reason.

A man who treats a lady like shirt, usually is also over confident and so she sees it as a prize if she wins and works to get it, every girl wants him and she is determined to have him, but usually that type of person breaks this woman, as he treats her wrong and she becomes in-secure, remaining in that relationship, un-able to move.

A confident man who is independant, doesn't put values on her career, rather, respects it and admires her, gives her compliments and "occasional gifts", visa versa, with same respect for him, he still has gentleman traits but also a naughty side and you can see both, experience both, but has his own in-dependence and thoughts, beliefs, to me is the perfect man.

**rachel801** · 11-27-2009 08:11 AM

I love your description of the perfect man. It's true.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-28-2009 01:31 AM

A confident man who is independant, doesn't put values on her career, rather, respects it and admires her, gives her compliments and "occasional gifts", visa versa, with same respect for him, he still has gentleman traits but also a naughty side and you can see both, experience both, but has his own in-dependence and thoughts, beliefs, to me is the perfect man.
__________________

Naturally, that's what I seek.

It would be intersting I think, seeing as 49 viewed and only I responded, WT?

What men think of this take...

And ladies if they can relate to your thoughts or mine

CW

**stressed** · 11-29-2009 10:34 PM

I agree with CW.

A lot depends on how confident the man is. Men tend to want to be more successful than their woman because that makes them more confident, as then they feel she won't seek another man to 'take care' of her. Women are the underdogs when it comes to career prospects. Men think think that "if she can manage on her own or find a more successful man she can lean on then she doesn't need me". But not all men are like that. I have noticed that it is mostly men to whom their careers matter more than anything that do. When they have set their minds to the plan 'education --> top job --> top income --> top woman --> top family --> top life' and find a woman who already has all the first 3 steps, then the plan doesn't stand anymore and they can feel threatened.

As for the initial question, a good friend of mine once told me that relationships require 3 equal factors: Respect, Love and Honesty. When you lack one of the three then the relationship becomes rocky.

**Texinator** · 11-29-2009 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by rachel801

I've seen this happen so many times, but men who are assholes get all the women, and men who give everything to the woman he loves just gets disrespected over and over again.

I think it works like this.. many of the bad boys get all the women because they demand respect and they make the women feel like they have to work to receive respect. Many of the nice guys get treated like dirt because they don't demand respect and at the same time are willing to give respect unconditionally.

Despite some of their negative behavior the bad boys end up being more interesting because they provide a challenge and some mystery. People place more value on the things for which they have to work hard, and the things they cannot have are most fascinating of all. But the nice guys come across as desperate and insecure. And if they can't respect themselves, why should anyone else respect them?

Now I probably don't need to explain why the behavior of a bad boy is not really love or respect. I think we're all in agreement there. But what about the nice guy? Doesn't he seem so loving? So respectful? No! If he always does his best to please her, if he bends over backwards for her, then he does not respect her power. He ability. Her independence. She's a grown woman, not a little child. She's intelligent, not dumb. She's capable, not useless. But if he always does everything for her, he's basically sending the message that he does not respect her because he doesn't think that she's a capable, intelligent woman.

I think love and respect go hand in hand. Maybe not completely..you can have respect without love. But you can't have love without respect.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-29-2009 11:37 PM

I think love and respect go hand in hand. Maybe not completely..you can have respect without love. But you can't have love without respect.

I like that!!!

**Texinator** · 11-29-2009 11:44 PM

I guess you could say that love without respect is really pity. If she doesn't respect him because his job isn't good enough but she still thinks she loves him.. she's really pitying him. If he doesn't respect her independence and wants to do everything for her but he still thinks he loves her.. he's really pitying her. 'You're not good enough to deserve my respect but I'll still stay with you and help you anyway'

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-29-2009 11:48 PM

Isn't that then settling?

Instead of taking the good with the bad, which is love, your not liking the bad, so pitying, meanwhile, not really happy with it, but settling for it, because "she/he thinks", they are in love.

**kira** · 11-30-2009 01:31 AM

*Looks around for perfectly adjusted humans that aren't over or under confident* .... *fails to see any*....

Really you are going to have to pick someone that is slightly one or the other. Avoid the extremes, come to understand what you can and can't live with, and find someone that matches so that you can respect them even though they aren't perfect and you can love them without pitying their faults.

Women, if you have a man who LOVES you and treats you like a queen, BE GRATEFUL for this and never let him go. That type of love deserves the ultimate respect.

I had a guy like that... He drove me insane and I finally had to break up with him. I wasn't looking for a slave or servant. Heck at the time I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. I'd have gladly taken someone that just wanted sex and hanging out and then been on their way. Instead I manage to attract a devotee that would die if I commanded it. Sure in his mind it was love but in my mind it was pity. Some woman will probably find him to be everything they've ever wanted but not me.

6months later my husband is a really horrible slave. He treats me like a person. Not a slave, not a queen, just a person, a friend, and an equal. Much better. Maybe I will make more money than him when I finish my degree and maybe I won't. Neither one of us will care because it just determines how much extra we have to spend on stuff together or traveling.

Another example is my sister. Her fiance cleaned the house, made any phone calls they needed to, helped solve any problems she had with friends, college classes, etc... Would offer to get her what she needed every time she went to stand up. It looked like they had a perfect set up to get everything done without stress and it was already decided who would have what type of job and what amount of time to do the housework. The wedding has been in the planning stages for 2 years. Then she realized that's not what she wanted. There was no attraction left there. He was doing everything for her to the point she felt less capable and actually it was degrading.

Well adjusted mature human beings don't want to be treated like kings and queens and they don't want to be servants. They want to be equals. Find a guy who can accept you as an equal and not see you as someone that needs to be doted on nor someone that isn't worth his attention and you'll have a good start to making a long lasting relationship. The problem is like I said there are no perfectly adjusted humans without problems so you are going to have to decide which side of the spectrum you get along better with.