break ups

**Joy** · 12-02-2009 08:45 PM

HI ,

as you all know or atleast some of you I left my BF who was going to propose to me almost a month ago. I've been trying to tie up the lose ends IE Financial lose ends. We still own a car together that i'm not taking because of his daughter. Dummy me sold my car in June and so did he so we bought a newer model. I had a 2000 it wasn't that bad lol.

My problem is he is going to counsilling to try and deal with his anger - he got physical in the end. He is now blaming me more for everything that took place during the last 3 months of our relationship. He gets angry and tells me I don't take responsiblity for my end of it all. I do - but really i view this as just more verbal abuse from him so its really hard to listen too. He claims i've made the last month of his life even more miserable. I'm really not trying to have that affect on his life. I've actually tried to still help him from a distance with dr appointments, schools re : his daughter, Bills (i've paid the insurance for the last 2 months) I paid all my part of the bills in full prior to leaving. The hydro is in my name still I have too much compassion for his daughter to disconnect it. He keeps telling me he is gonna change it when he has enough money - but I don't think he is making much effort - he wants me to come home. He is angry that I moved in with one of my friends that dates random guys - and she can she is single - he thinks i'm going to be chasing men. Really my heart is still with his - I just can't be around him cause I make him sooo angry. I can't handle his anger - I know love isn't always sunny but this is too much.

He thinks if he goes to counsilling I will come back home. I would if he was truly better but I feel he has gotten worse in his anger towards me not better.

I've sought out counsilling thru Family Violence and Prevention - to work on my issues - on how he said i made him angry and how I communicated with him.

We still have financial ties and I am working on getting those done with. I want him to be happy in life and I want to be happy.

I really feel if he loved me he would be doing things to be happy for himself and then to spread that happiness towards me. Same as If I love him I will chose to be happy for me and spread that happiness towards him.

Its the positive rewards of a loving relationship we keep healthy and happy so we can keep spreading happy and uplifting feelings to one another. That is true in all our relationships.

I know he suffers from depression I've stood by him on that the whole time - thru medication switchs and dr's and dr's and dr's.

He yells at me all the time that he can never do enough to make me happy - really I feel its me who never does anything right or enough for him. its just very messed up.

really i'm just rambleing on and on - I know you all have support for me and have supported me in the past. I know there is no easy fix to any of this and only time - determination - will heal any of this.

i've joined a gym, I'm eating healthy, I've dropped 2 sizes probably from the stress

have a good night everyone

**WildChild** · 12-02-2009 09:50 PM

Abusers always blame it on others, "you made me" is their mantra. It's BS. They choose anger, they chose to lash out, they may not understand that they can make other choices but it is still a choice. You know this. You know that no one can "make" someone do something they don't want to. Not in normal life.

He has to deal with his stuff. You've done all you can to help and support this but it is his battle. Unfortunately you've got the war wounds. You've started your business despite his putdowns, your're taking care of yourself and working toward being physically and emotionally healthy. I know what this is like, I've been there. You put his needs first, he puts his needs first. No one is putting your needs first. There really hasn't been an "us", it's really been a you serving his needs by sublinating your own. When you don't - like starting your business, he may grudgingly help a bit but only with lots of critism.

You are an amazing and dynamic woman and as you get out fron under his influence, I think you will feel that more and more. Joy, I look for the day when you wake up and know you are free. Like a chinook blowing in, you will feel yourself expand and open up to the freedom of not longer being abused and carry that load. You will feel so light and free and full of possibilities. Then you can really start to live your name - JOY.

**Joy** · 12-02-2009 11:22 PM

Thank you WildChild for all your kind words and support. I am going to family violence and pervention couseling and doing positive things in order to repair my life.

He is a wonderful person he just needs help - more help then I can offer. I see so much greatness in him. I wish he saw it to or could reconnect with it. I don't want to damage him any further and I don't want to hurt him anymore. He needs to get on the right path of positive expression - to get those old useless emotions that no longer apply to his life. I know he has to do it - I can say it a 100 times and it won't change a thing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-02-2009 11:53 PM

And my beautiful you spent 5 long years of your Adult life, trying!

He hasn't acknowledge all you have done, but he can't handle not having that around, it's a selfish approach.. It's his way only...

I'm proud of you, not only are you standing firm, whilst secretly crying, your also getting on with your life with things you couldn't do before.

You know that people can't change in life, we as woman just try to change them, the wounded bird, much like the men who pick up on the woman and try to "save them"..

It's your time, turn now.

Remember that please.

As I said to you on VP, the longer you have finances tied, the longer he will keep continuing to put you down, to lower you self esteme in hope you'll go back and take it all again.

His verbal turned to physical, you are black, he is white, you are get up and go, he is stay and smoke and be low.

Chalk and Cheese.

You can't save him and it's not your job to anymore.

Watch yourself in a month from the gym and the weight and concentrate on your business NOT this man anymore, it's hard, but you didn't fail, he failed himself whilst he had a teacher..

CW