How bad is this? (Emotional affair)

**EmilyA** · 12-08-2009 09:31 AM

Hi, looking for opinions/advice. My boyfriend and I have been togethr over 3 years, living together for 2 years and bought a house together when we moved to a new city 6 months ago. I'm 24 and he's 34. We had planned on getting engaged during the summer, but he changed his mind after we bought the house and became increasingly unsure about our future. I was incredibly hurt that he changed his mind, and became convinced that he would never commit to me, so I sarted to prepare myself to leave him once I was sure we didn't have a future anymore. Things reached a head in September, and we thought about taking a break. However, we decided we didnt' want that, and we agreed to let go of all our negativity and start over again, to see if the problems we had been hainvg were really real or caused by my unhappiness that he wouldn't marry me.

So, for the last 2 months things have been quite good, we haven't fought and i've been happy. The only problem has been he can't let go of the incompatibilities he thinks are problems, even though we haven't experienced them in this time. Also, he's stopped telling me he loves me and has been very emotionally distant.

A couple of days ago, he accidently left his phone open and I found e-mails and text to one of his friends (a 22 year old girl who he knows through scouting which he participates in). They were arranging secret times to talk, and he was promising her he'd find some way to keep talking to her...that she's an amazing person, and he can't wait to see her beautiful smile again...they kept saying how much they missed each other and were thinking about each other. Plus he'd told her a private conversation we had just had and that all he could think about during it was her.

I confronted him, and he admitted to havign formed an emotional connection to her for the past 2 months, and that they talk and text several times a day (I found 10 texts in one day). But he claims it meant nothing and was just an ego boost because she's so easy to get along with and understands him better than me. She's in a long term relationship too, which has been having problems, and apparently they found a connection based on this too.

I kicked him out of our house, but some of my firends think i over-reacted. What do you guys think?

**the wench** · 12-08-2009 10:19 AM

i dont think you over reacted in the slightest...a man who loved you enough to plan getting engaged for him then to change his mind and then conduct what is still an affair however he wishes to dress it up!
good for you i say...you deserve someone who wants to get engaged to you and actually sticks to that without emotionally attatching himself to another woman!

**pretzel** · 12-08-2009 10:33 AM

"I confronted him, and he admitted to havign formed an emotional connection to her for the past 2 months, and that they talk and text several times a day (I found 10 texts in one day). But he claims it meant nothing and was just an ego boost because she's so easy to get along with and understands him better than me. She's in a long term relationship too, which has been having problems, and apparently they found a connection based on this too."

If his ego needs that kind of boosting and not from you, he just may not be the right person for the long haul.

Just my opinion.

**KMonte85** · 12-08-2009 10:51 AM

No, you didn't overreact at all.

You thought about taking a break, and at the time you AGREED to stay together and work on it, he went off and started getting all "emotional" with some other gal, while at the same time still saying the critcal, unhelpful comments to you ("we're not compatible?" ok, who is? the little chick you keep texting??)

To me it sounds like this guy is getting ready to let you go, whether he literally tells you that or not. From what you have explained here, his actions have LEAVE HER written all over them. He seems to be just looking for that someone to move on with before he completely gives up on you.

Obviously it is your life, and 3 years is a long time to be with someone so its not like it is a black/white easy decision... but you need to ask yourself if this is worth saving? Is it worth spending time waiting for the guy who recinded his intent to spend his life with you, who tells you you're not compatible, who DOESN'T tell you he loves you, and who is emotionally distant with you while flattering and spilling his heart out to some other woman?

Those are the negatives. Do they outweigh the positives of being in a relationship?

**Futureboy** · 12-08-2009 03:47 PM

You did the right thing. If he make a serious attempt to get you back then consider giving him a chance. Why because he knows you mean business and what he is missing. Is he is even vaguely unfaithful after that bin him off perminently

Personaly emosional infidelity is worse than physical

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-08-2009 03:57 PM

3 years is better than 10 years. Better you know now.

If you hadn't tried to work your differences out and solve the problems, communicate then, I would be saying you need to do so.

But, given that you did that, and have spent the same amount of time, feeling content purely, because within that time, he has been giving his affections elsewhere and therefore, there's no fights occuring, it's been a one sided communication.

It's unfortunate that you two aren't as compatible as hoped but there is a soul mate for everyone, at least your not settling and hurting down the track because of a physical affair.

Any man that "puts" his lady down to another lady doesn't deserve to be with that lady, that's not what love is about.

Stay away and thank yourself that it's only been 3 years sweet.

CW

**caterpillar79** · 12-08-2009 05:51 PM

He found his way out...

Better know sooner than later. He definitely is not the man who has what it takes to marry.

For me, emotional infidelity is always infidelity in itself and the pain that it caused you now (and maybe later if you kept it going) cannot be reversed. It could be alleviated but you should not deal with it for you have a choice. You made the right decision.

I guess I am just really selfish. If I love, I love fully and whole-heartedly, hence, I expect the same from my partner....all or nothing.

Don't lose sleep over this, sweetie. 3 years is enough, don't add any more.

**stressed** · 12-09-2009 05:45 AM

You did the right thing. He led you on, making you think that things had got better and instead of taking part in argument he was venting to this girl. How can a 34 year old man say he connects better with a 22 year old woman and claim that it is just talk. Let alone when he says he thinks about her when he talks with you and so on... Disappointing, this man is going to be unhappy. What he does is cheating. But, yes, you certainly did the right thing.

**sperosi** · 12-09-2009 05:46 AM

without knowing all of the details, i think you may have over reacted, but it's hard to tell without really knowing more.

stuff in relationships happen for a reason, it's just that sometimes we cant see the effect we have on the other person. i dont believe that the vast majority of people go out and cheat or form emotional relationships just because they can. i think it happens when something is missing and they are unable to address it with their SO.

maybe he got the vibe that you were preparing to leave the relationship and thats why he felt ok in connecting with someone else.

i am not saying what he did was right, but it can be understandable depending on the circumstances.

no one wants to be alone.

**stressed** · 12-09-2009 05:52 AM

Originally Posted by sperosi

without knowing all of the details, i think you may have over reacted, but it's hard to tell without really knowing more.

stuff in relationships happen for a reason, it's just that sometimes we cant see the effect we have on the other person. i dont believe that the vast majority of people go out and cheat or form emotional relationships just because they can. i think it happens when something is missing and they are unable to address it with their SO.

maybe he got the vibe that you were preparing to leave the relationship and thats why he felt ok in connecting with someone else.

i am not saying what he did was right, but it can be understandable depending on the circumstances.

no one wants to be alone.

I kind of agree with this point of view too. If he felt like you were going to leave him because he didn't want to get engaged then maybe he felt like this won't work, so it was easier for him to connect with somebody else.

The problem occurs at the point where he started feeling insecure and delayed the engagement. Something must have happened that made him change his mind. Be it another girl, or him feeling that he lacks something in the relationship.