Marriage can be a PAIN!!!

**snow37** · 12-09-2009 10:02 AM

Ok.. this is my first time posting on here. But I've been seeking information about premenopause... marrige problems.. etc.

Well, to make a huge, long, boring story short-- I just turned 37 years old , last week. I know that things are changing. I'm not talking about smile lines or crows feet... I'm talking about Mood swings and lack of sex drive--ect.

Not to mention that on top of this problem.. 2009 has been the WORST year of my life!!! At the start of the year, I lost my father to Cancer, then he left my 17 year old half brother to ME in his will... then we were ended up in foreclosure on our home

( Now recently, my husband just lost his truck... Our business has suffered during this economic depression. We have just about lost everything!!!! Plus.. we do have 2 kids of our own... try to stay as strong as I possibly can for them-- it isnt easy though. Ok.. all this stuff that has happened this year, is only the start, but I wont bore anyone with details.

I guess my question is... Is it fair to be expected to have sex with my husband, just because HE WANTS IT???? I could not care less if we ever do it again. I'm just saying--- I wish I felt different, but I don't. Like I said.. this year has been the worst of my life... and fighting with him over our lack of sex, doesnt help matters at all. I feel like I need his support during this time in my life. We should be helping each other cope with our situation... not making it more miserable.

Does anyone have any advice?? Or has anyone been in this type of situation before?? I would be so grateful to any words of wisdom.

Thanks ladies... for your time

)

**pretzel** · 12-09-2009 10:25 AM

With everything that's gone in this past year, how could you not be stressed to the point of exhaustion (or depression) that has literally been life altering.

Is his feeling of wanting sex a way to feel some form of closeness to you that has been temporarily misplaced?

Is it something that he feels allows him some escape from the stresses that literally playing havoc on both your lives?

Fortunately you will find a great many women (and a few of us men) who can offer tremendous comfort and personal stories that will not make you feel alone. This is a great forum with many wonderful and wise people.

**CK001** · 12-09-2009 10:36 AM

I very, very sorry for your loss and situation. While I do not have any good advice, it might be helpful to know that someone is going through the same thing.

I also have lost my sex drive. I'm 41 yrs old, have two young kids, work full time and had 2 hip surgeries in the past 2 years. (and in retrospect, my husband and I have stopped communicating - we never fight, we just don't talk)

My husband had the gall to tell me he thinks he wants a divorce because I don't really want sex. (I don't say no, it's just a little more mechanical than he wants)

Like 12 years of marriage and 2 kids means nothing - his sex life is the most important thing. I've been trying to tell him that maybe if we talked more we might be more intimate. I think it's about communication. He thinks it's about sex. Men really are from Mars, huh?

Although I feel better knowing that I am not a horrible person - there are other woman out there like me. It's not that I'm cold - I use to care, I just feel like I've gotten too old and tired to care.

But I guess I could give you some advice. Don't get it to the point where I let it go. Tell him it's not that you don't really want him, it's just that you really need his love and support and, once you get through this, the sex will be back. (Ok, another lesson from me from this weekend fight - there is such a thing as too much honesty. I told my husband I could care less if we ever had sex again - ooops, I should have known ego's were way too fragile to state that. And also, I think if we built our relationship back, maybe, just maybe, I might actually want to it do again.)

**WildChild** · 12-09-2009 11:00 AM

Sex should bring you closer together, provided it isn't always just f-ing. Your are stressed out and overwhelmed and you NEED to relax and connect tenderly with your husband.

Did your father leave anything to support his son? At 17-1/2 he should be able to be a help to you rather than a burden - if you don't treat him as a burden. Remember he has been through the loss of his father too and is grieving. Where is his mother?

The mood swings, lack of sex drive and all that are most likely a result of stress. I'm 52 and last year I was having constant bleeding, I was sure it was menopause- my wise doctor said no, it's stress. I'd been through 8 yrs with a man who was out of work for over 4 yrs (2-1/2 yrs continuous) and had seen him through cancer and other illnesses, then gone through a divorce- on top of having my kid's dad drag me into an ugly, expensive court battle that could have landed me in jail had I lost. I do know something about stress. It can really mess you up. You can't do much about what is causing it but you can make some changes and alter how you respond.

Consider this; no matter how frantic you get, no matter how upset, it won't help or change anything. It may make it worse but it won't make it better. If you and your husband can face this together, work together and support each other, you can come out of this strong and united. The alternative is to become strangers to each other and probably not lose your home and vehicle but your marriage too.

You need a plan. Are you out of your home yet or just headed there? Do you have any income or employment? What kind of business do you have? How old are your kids? Do you work in his/your business, outside the home or are you a stay at home parent? I used to work in financial services and volunteered with a county working with people to try to "save" them financially. It is amazing how often there were things people could do to helo themselves but they either didn't see it or had dug their heels in a wouldn't do it. May be with some more info some of us can offer some suggestions.

Aside from that. Shutting your husband out won't serve either of you. Try to do even little things to reduce your stress- take a long soak in the tub, exersize, you can do that at home, take walks (well if you are -11 like we are today you might want to wait until it warms up a bit) and have some cuddle time with your kids and with your hubby. Be thankful he wants to be close and have sex a lot of men shut down when stressed and shut their loved ones out. And yes, I'd say if you can possibly manage it, have sex with him and do so graciously. You just may find once you get started that it is a great stress reliever.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-09-2009 03:30 PM

We are two different creatures.

Women are emotional and need support, cuddles, "it's going to be okay" words and can cope with that, need that and they will somehow jump all the hurdles thrown at them, given that support it's a strength we have within us perhaps as we are nurturing creatures by nature and prepared and ready for any obstacle in life as we were also born to bare children.

Men, aren't as emotional in one way but very in another, where I think, they think that "intimacy" ,not sex, is needed as they feel they have let their family down in a big way, lost his truck, his business, will he lose you? The only way he can work that out is being intimate to ensure he is "safe".

It's his emotional need to feel safe. You still love him.

I am sorry for all you have gone through, but to build things back up, you need to start making a new plan in life, including being close to the man you love, if you still love him and thereby, getting through all of this together, in unity on all levels.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 12-09-2009 03:41 PM

To snow and ck001: sex shouldn't be something you do as a chore for your husband. It should not be a favor, reward, gift, service. Sex should be something you TOGETHER. It should make your relationship closer, reduce stress. It doesn't cost anything, so you can enjoy even if one of you has lost your job.

If you feel that sex is a chore, then its important to find out why? Is he not making an effort to please you? Does he make the effort but just not know how?

Being turned down for sex will leave him (or her) feeling resentful, angry, distant (trust me I know). I think it is a valid reason for leaving a relationship.

**Aubrey** · 12-09-2009 08:21 PM

I understand that in stressful times your mind might not be up to sex, it's really understandable, with worry comes loss of interest. But it seems to me that your husband is seeking intimacy, and to him sex is the answer.
Maybe you could try and be intimate with him in other ways.
ways that make you feel save and comforted so you can be open to becoming intimate the way he likes to see it.
You shouldn't have sex when there's no appetite for it, it would defeat the point of it.

**snow37** · 12-11-2009 07:25 AM

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone that has sent a reply to my post. I guess I should have went into more detail about my situation.

Lets see... I have 2 kids. My daughter is 14 and my son is 11. They are truely my life. I try so hard to stay positive about everything... and be strong in front of them. Its not an easy task... but when I am with them... I do feel stronger. They give me that much needed strength I need to deal with "LIFE".

Our business is "BUILDING" . We do custom trims,staircases and fireplaces in homes. BUT since the economy has hurt the mortage companies and banks.. its put a huge dent in our business as well. Especially when the stock market hit an all time low. Alot of the people we do work for... use the money they make off of their stocks to do work on their homes.

I agree with you rcoreyus... Sex should not be a a chore. I couldn't do it now.. for anything. I believe i still love my husband, I am just very angry with him.. and disappointed. Its a long story... but I know that has alot to do with why I cant TRY harder. I have let the anger and I suppose resentment build. But at the same time... he just keeps on doing things that cause me to stay this way. Another long story. We have been married for 16 years... we have been together 21 years. We started dating when I turned 16. So needless to say... its been a long journey together. I believe that we have been through soooooooo much, that maybe we have just gotten worn out with it. Maybe there comes a time when you cant let go of the pain.. especially when you become FULL of it.

Again ladies... Thank you so much!! I really believe Im gonna love this website

)

**snow37** · 12-11-2009 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Sex should bring you closer together, provided it isn't always just f-ing. Your are stressed out and overwhelmed and you NEED to relax and connect tenderly with your husband.

Did your father leave anything to support his son? At 17-1/2 he should be able to be a help to you rather than a burden - if you don't treat him as a burden. Remember he has been through the loss of his father too and is grieving. Where is his mother?

The mood swings, lack of sex drive and all that are most likely a result of stress. I'm 52 and last year I was having constant bleeding, I was sure it was menopause- my wise doctor said no, it's stress. I'd been through 8 yrs with a man who was out of work for over 4 yrs (2-1/2 yrs continuous) and had seen him through cancer and other illnesses, then gone through a divorce- on top of having my kid's dad drag me into an ugly, expensive court battle that could have landed me in jail had I lost. I do know something about stress. It can really mess you up. You can't do much about what is causing it but you can make some changes and alter how you respond.

Consider this; no matter how frantic you get, no matter how upset, it won't help or change anything. It may make it worse but it won't make it better. If you and your husband can face this together, work together and support each other, you can come out of this strong and united. The alternative is to become strangers to each other and probably not lose your home and vehicle but your marriage too.

You need a plan. Are you out of your home yet or just headed there? Do you have any income or employment? What kind of business do you have? How old are your kids? Do you work in his/your business, outside the home or are you a stay at home parent? I used to work in financial services and volunteered with a county working with people to try to "save" them financially. It is amazing how often there were things people could do to helo themselves but they either didn't see it or had dug their heels in a wouldn't do it. May be with some more info some of us can offer some suggestions.

Aside from that. Shutting your husband out won't serve either of you. Try to do even little things to reduce your stress- take a long soak in the tub, exersize, you can do that at home, take walks (well if you are -11 like we are today you might want to wait until it warms up a bit) and have some cuddle time with your kids and with your hubby. Be thankful he wants to be close and have sex a lot of men shut down when stressed and shut their loved ones out. And yes, I'd say if you can possibly manage it, have sex with him and do so graciously. You just may find once you get started that it is a great stress reliever.

I hope Im doing this reply thing right.. ok, here it goes.
Wildchild...
Well we are actually out of our home now

We HAD to move out by May 7th 09'. The mortage company gave us a total of 14 days to GET OUT!!! Which is . Leaving our home was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do!!! We had lived there 11 years. WE BUILT that house ourselves. We did EVERYTHING !! So, we had our own sweat,blood and tears in that home!! Then our business suffered when the economy went sour. We do interior trim,staircases and fireplaces. So, once the stock market fell (most of the homeowners we do business for used their stock money to do work on their homes), so that killed our business. We are slowly getting our business back on track.. but its hard.

When I lost my dad he did leave me money from the life ins. BUT by the time I got that.. our mortage company would NOT except the money. We were going to PAY OUR HOME OFF IN FULL!! They still wouldnt have any part of it!! Not sure why!! Now the home we lost, just sits there empty,with a For Sale sign in the yard. Sad to see!!!! I hate mortage companies!!!

So, we took that money and starting building a new home. RIGHT BEHIND MY MOTHER INLAW!!!! UGH!!! But she GAVE us the land. Which I had put in my moms name and so is our new home!!! But.. its only 60% finished!! We are living here now.. and Im grateful to have a roof over our heads.. but its just another stressful situation that would make this reply and BOOK.

Our kids are 11 and 14. So, they are my life. I dont know how I would survive all this things in life, if it wasnt for them.

I do exercise. I walk and run on the tredmill.. but that doesnt take away my anger towards my husband. Sometimes I feel as if we have just been through tooo much in our 16 years of marriage. Then, losing our home... DID US IN!! I dont think we have much left to be able to "Get Through it Together". I have way to much anger and resentment... that I dont know how to get over. Maybe its my fault because I cant let all the pain go... who knows.

I do believe you... dont believe its premenopausal.. I think its all STRESS!!!! Its been one overwhelming problem after another. Its a wonder Ive not had to be but in a straight jacket

LOL!!!

The worst part about NOT having a sex drive is... My husband asks me all the time if Im having an affair since I dont Want To Do It!!! Yea right... like I would want another MAN to deal with!!! I just get sooo sick of hearing that. Here I am going through the worst freakin time of my life.. and thats all he has to say!!!

Thank you so much for your reply to my post!! Its so great to get other womens views on situations like this!!! It really does help

)

Big Hugs....

**WildChild** · 12-11-2009 08:18 AM

Hi Snow,
I can understand that this is a huge stress and much of what the banks do, seems to more disigned to ensure failure than success - for everyone including themselves. I've brushed with working in financial services and had the company I worked for do some screwy things to us. I presently do some work on the other side of it, with securing and maintaining foreclosed properties until the bank is ready to sell them. A lot of it makes no sense.

Building a home is a huge stress, even when you are doing it with excitement and anticipation. Doing it because you've had your home senselessly taken from you makes it much more difficult. My background and education is in construction industry, it can be a great field and pay well - it can also be a great place to go bankrupt.

Losing a loved one is very stressful but how fortunate that your father did leave insurance, that puts you in a much better situation than many people who struggle just to pay the basic funeral costs. You've been hit with a lot. But I get the feeling there is much more to it than you've said so far. The economy is not your husband's fault. Where is your anger toward him coming from? I can related to your frustration, my last marriage had more disaster crammed into 8 years than many people see in a lifetime. My kids and I are healthy, I may have been almost destroyed financially but I am a hard worker and can recover that. I have a car that runs (28 yrs old and I love it) a 12 yr old TV, great kids and we keep a positive attitude.

You cannot control, except in a very minor way, what anyone else does, how they act or react. You can control yourself. It may sound cliche' but need to work on developing an attitude of gratitude. You lost one home but you aren't homeless, hopeless or destitute. You are able to exersize, to get on a treadmill, you may not like your mother in law by she gave you a place to build although I am mystified wh you put it in your mother's name, your kids are healthy (?) your husband was supportive through the loss of your father, you have more going for you than you may realize and you need to verbalise that and be greatful for it. It will allow you to be much happier. You are simply in a state of overwhelm.

After my last marriage I was in counseling. I was very stressed and unhappy. He'd lost his job the day after we married and blamed me because, "getting married distracted" him. Then he got sick with an unidentified illness, then re-employed for 6 months, and then just before 911 became unemployed and was for 2-1/2 years, then wea re-employed and diagnosed with cancer a couple months later. That's just part of it - I know what stress is!!! You can't let it keep hold of you. Some thing my counselor said made so much sense. I was unhappy and depressed (not to the point of medication - I don't believe in that except for extreme cases) He said, very simply, "Why don't you just decide to be happy?" Being unhappy accomplishes nothing. It doesn't help you in anyway. It just makes everything more difficult for you and everyone around you. It may sound difficult but it really isn't that hard once you decide to do it. Just let go of your anger - it isn't serving you. If you can redirect that energy into positive action - great! Otherwise, let it go. It will eat you up from inside and manifest in so many ugly ways.

Try to find the positives in your situation and you have so many. Write them down, keep adding to it, re-read it daily. The situation isn't going to change overnight but your attitude can and you'll see that everyone around you will start to change too.