Husband wants a seperation :(

**njjenn** · 12-10-2009 10:23 AM

I feel like my world is spinning out of control, like im in a bad nightmare that I can't wake up from...

The day after Thanksgiving, My husband of 14 years,together 17, said we need to talk...oh no! I got the old "I love you but Im not in Love with you deal" was a shock to me we never even fight and just a month before we went our first vacation alone to Jamaica. So I asked if there was someone else he insisted NO..Well he lied. He says he hasnt slept with her and he is just getting to know her and Its none of my concern and shes not the reason he feels this way, yeah ok, I dont believe that. Anyway we really can't seperate seprate because he just got laid off and we are barely making it together much less seperating. and no we dont have anywhere else to stay like with family or anything. He says he will move into another room until we get on our feet and I get a better job. and he says he just can't get the love back and no counseling.
We havent told both of our children yet only the oldest she is 16 well rather HE told her in the middle of the night while I was in bed, he said he didnt love me and he met someone and he was gushing about her! WTF!!! I was livid I yelled at him and said listen sure shes 16 but what is wrong with you not discussing it with me and going on about this whatever you wanna call her.
I dont know what to believe I love my husband with all my heart and dont want our marriage to end, maybe its a midlife crisis he turned 40 today in combination with him just losing his job, or if he really doesnt love me. I just dont know what to do and wish I didnt have to see him everyday knowing he is talking to her. It breaks my heart. Im stupid also since the "talk" I have slept with him a few times but Im done. Im going to a doctor next week to get get tested for everything. and yes she knows he's married. Some Christmas this year.

Thanks for listening

**WildChild** · 12-10-2009 11:13 AM

Oh dear, he sounds very confused and you have every reason to be upset. Telling your 16 yr old and waxing poetic about the charms of the woman he is planning to leave her mother for seems to indicate that he has lost his sense of appropriate boundries. I'm amazed you would agree to have sex with him after all this.

Are you currently able to support the household or are you dependent on him getting unemployment? Why should you help support him while he "gets to know" another woman? What does he think you are?

He's unemployed
He'e "getting to know" another woman
He's treating your daughter like - what?- an emotional confidant
He's lied to you
He's saying no counseling.
He says he loves you
He says he's not in love with you
He's still expecting sex from you

Where does he get off thinking he's calling the shots?
How do you know she knows he's married?

Do get tested.
Make copies of all the financial documents, talk to an attorney. Take a look at some of the account histories, is there anything to indicate unusual spending?
If you still have insurance, get in for counseling. If he won't go, you go. You need someone to talk to and to help you decide what you want or need to do.

It may time for you to start laying down the law.
Tell him as long as he is in the house you won't tolerate this, no talking to or seeing her -see what his response is?
No more making your children his confidants or sharing descriptions of the wonders of his mistress.
You might contact her. I don't usually advocate this but I've known some cases where it's worked well, and simply tell her to leave him and your family aone. That may shock her into dropping him. Tell her you are still having sex. Who knows what he's really told her. And maybe you doing something completely out of characture will shock some sense into him.

Turning 40 or whatever, is an excuse not a reason. Ultimately you know him best and are the only one can decide what may get the results you want. I think the first thing you need to determine is if he is really worth holding on to? I have a friend who went through something like this and she was devistated. Couldn't live without him. Now, looking back she realises that getting him out of her life was the best thing that could have happened to her.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-10-2009 01:13 PM

He says he will move into another room until we get on our feet and I get a better job. and he says he just can't get the love back and no counseling.

Sorry? So you get a better job, then what, you can stand on your own two feet and by then, he's developed something more with this lady,"who knows he's married" and move in with her?

I don't know how your marriage really has been over the past few years and how close you two really were, or weren't, naturally you love him 17 years is along time, but I always say that if this is the "first" time he's ventured, then there was a reason of something missing as to why he even did/ she even did, who ever the party is.

But he's acting extremely selfish and he's not a man in my opinion. He is in lust which possibly she will change her mind over him at some point and then he's left out cold.

But, in the meantime, he's gushing to your daughter, pathetic. He's remaining in the household, pathetic. And, he's allowing you to sleep with him, on your side, possibly because you hoped he would remember the "love" but on his side, pathetic.

You can't have your cake and eat it, he is.

No family? No where to go? Bad luck, he has cheated on you, is cheating with you, and knows where he is going, just hang about, I have no job, no where to go, I speak with her all the time, I am going to be with her, oh I might as well sleep with the wife as well and poison my kids mind over how things work in marriage.

Get him out of there, is what I would do.. Even if it is mid-life crisis, let him see what he's missing, what he used to have, what he left, and quit torchering yourself.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-10-2009 01:30 PM

He sounds very much smack dab in the middle of a mid life crisis or some other nervous break down. Confiding to your 16 year old daughter... does he have ANY idea the kind of emotional damage he could be creating to her, her feelings for men, etc...

No daughter wants to hear about his fathers crushes and potential flings, especially while they are still married to mom. He's put her in a horrible position.

And you, I know your heart must be about broken right now, you don't deserve any of this. AT LEAST... at least he came forward to you, and that is the only saving grace in his actions. He is not leading a double life and lying to you, he is showing you exactly who he is and what he is doing and while it hurts... wouldn't you rather know and be in a position to decide for yourself if you want to put up with it or to have him going behind your back.

My advice is do not sleep with him anymore. Do not give him the old comforts worthy of a faithful, loving husband. Do treat him like the roomate he is asking to be. Be civil for your children, but don't let him use your love for him as a tool to use you further and hurt you any more than he already has.

He wants this in-home seperation, give it to him. And start taking steps to live seperately as watching him carry on other relationships in front of you is setting yourself up for pain.

I can't imagine a more difficult sitation, I'd want to pack my bags and get as far away from him as possible but if I was not able to do so and had to just sit there and deal I know I'd be a basket case... but you got to keep it together.

I would explain to him that most womens relationships with men are heavily influenced by both the actions and inactions of their fathers. That he needs to be alot more careful with what he chooses to share with her, at her age she's got enough emotions to deal with to have him thrusting his issues on her.

**Texinator** · 12-10-2009 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by njjenn

he says he just can't get the love back and no counseling.

He seems very convinced of everything. Almost like he wants to end things as soon as possible just so he can go be with his new flame without it being labeled as cheating. Maybe he is having a midlife crisis or maybe after 17 years he just wants to try something new, but that's not an excuse for him to treat his family like this. Like the thing with your daughter. I guess he was trying to get in his 'side' first rather than sitting down with you and her and discussing things. She's not a child anymore at 16 but that's still not the right way to have handled it.

Throw his butt out. Shouldn't be a problem for him if he's so convinced that it won't work out anyway. At best he'll eventually wise up, ask for forgiveness, and come back to you. At worst he won't come back but then you at least won't have to put up with his disrespectful and selfish behavior either.

**Explorer44** · 12-22-2009 08:46 PM

I'd place all of his items on the front lawn and tell him they should be picked up before the next trash day....and change the locks.

He needs to become the visitor-so you can decide if and when you feel up to communicating with him. I feel for you and your children. I'd start making copies of important documents and protect any financial assets that you can...

**sperosi** · 12-23-2009 04:40 AM

i think you need to think things through and not do anything rash that might put you in a bad light with the court, if things progress to a divorce. although it sounds cool to throw his stuff out and change the locks on him, if his name is on the deed/lease he has as much legal right to stay in the house as anyone else whose name is on it. if you can convince him he needs to leave or something that has the same effect as throwing him out, that's something else.

He may be going through a mid-life thing, or maybe not. regardless, you should not be sleeping or having sex with him at this point. If he snaps to and comes out of his funk, only then should you work towards becoming intimate with him again.

you def need to have the talk about the effect this will have on your 16 y/o daughter. I would try to find some info on line that you can print and give to him to read.

**somiserable** · 12-29-2009 01:50 PM

Throw him out, change the locks, fight about it after, what sort of man does that to someone hes been with for 17 yrs? A man with no morals and no respect, he is a lousy cheating idiot and you need to see him for what he really is.... a lowlife who involves the kids to make himself feel better about his actions, hes just trying to relieve his guilty conscience, blow him out, stop sleeping with him, while you continue, as Chandler says, he has his cake and eats it

**Ahryin** · 12-29-2009 05:06 PM

See...this is why people think i'm crazy..I WISH mutha would go into MY childs bedroom in the middle of the night and have explicit conversations regarding another woman of which HE stepped out on me with! Cops would be called! However I agree with Cw and Wild..totally agree! First and foremost you will learn its cheaper not to keep HIM! For one he doesn't want to leave because guess what..HE is in the wrong and the courts would see it that way. In this situation you have MORE power than you understand. The courts will strip him down to his bare draws! How dare he expect you to adequatly maintain a household and support his behind! I say that because I bet you are still cooking for him, cleaning up after him, washing his clothes etc. How do I come to this conclusion..you slept with him and you still love him. I know it hurts but in the end lets just call a spade a spade.
I can tell you from experience just because he says she knows doesn't mean she knows..I mean be honest with yourself...he lied to you what makes you think he won't lie to her? I also believe you need to speak with someone, this is going to be a road better traveled for you and at times its best to have someone to talk it out with. If you do have insurance 9 times out of 10 they will cover the expense.
I think you should get into your kids and get into yourself. Yourself mostly, get a hobby, join a gym just something to keep your mind moving and something to work all that anger out. Focus on PEACE and bring it into your life. Your husband on the other hand believes you are less than stupid. I know for the most part because you want to work it out you believe that sex may reignite some flames I am here to tell you it will NOT! He has no respect for you and no respect for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't the reason you and him didn't go on your trip etc. You have every right to be upset however its what you do with the knowledge you have that will dictate the type of woman you are. What ever you accept is exactly what he will give...remember that.
Honestly if by chance she does know about you, and is still dealing with him than she is TRIFLING and he is as well. They deserve each other and NO good will come of it. Everything we do good or evil comes back 10fold in one way or another.