What is wrong with me that I can't see what a jerk he is? Support please?

**Shurm** · 12-15-2009 02:47 PM

OK, so I have read some of the posts on here and they really hit home. Like I said above, my husband left three months ago. He told me he would be back in one hour and that one hour has turned into three months.

I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost two months. I'll try to be brief with my story but want some advice and support so I kind of gotta tell it all.

I met my husband in May of 2008. He had just gotten out of the Airforce and came home for a welcome home party. His mother happened to live in the same condo complex as me. I talked to him at the party. I was 37 at the time. We started talking and hanging out all the time. He was 20 at the time. I know, I know...crazy! I said the same thing. I told him he was too young for me, he proclaimed that age didn't matter and after spending so much time with him, I fell in love. He confessed his love for me as well. He asked me to marry him in July. I didn't take him seriously really, it was just a joke, it had to be. We continued to spend every waking moment together and talked or texted during the day while I was at work. One day, I had his phone for some reason and I noticed that he had texted another girl telling her something of a sexual manner. I was crushed. I told myself how stupid I was for thinking that this "thing" we were doing would ever work. He was too young for me and obviously not as into me as I thought. He apologized, cried and professed how much he loved me and that he didn't know why he did it but he would never do it again. I eventually forgave him and trusted him again.

He had not worked since getting home from the Airforce. He found a job and started in August. Everything between us was great. We had even officially become engaged. Towards the end of August I found out I was pregnant. I told him and you can imagine his shock. You see, he had told me that he couldn't have children. Guess whoever told him that was wrong. He wanted me to have an abortion. I really didn't want to. I noticed that a girl that he worked with began texting and calling him a lot. He said she was just stupid and always had questions about the system. I was suspicious but this was my fiancee so I dismissed it. I ended up having a miscarriage 5 weeks into the pregnancy. The day of my DNC, he told me that he had to go back to the city he was based in to go to Court and would need to leave in two days. I understood. He had been kicked out of the Airforce for getting a DWI. He left on a Sunday and I spoke to him very briefly that day and the following Monday. I had expected him back Monday evening but he called and said he had to stay one more day to go file something with the Court. When he got home Tuesday night, we were so excited to see each other and he said he never wanted to be gone from me that long again. We had a silly kind of love. Some would say sickening. It was awesome!

Anyway, you know the girl from work I mentioned above? Well seems my suspicions were right all along. I came to find out that he had been carrying on an affair with her for over 1 1/2 months. I saw a text he sent her. He claimed to have meant to send it to me. I didn't believe that one for a second. He finally admitted that he had been talking to her but he had only hugged her, nothing more. He said that he told her about me and told her he loved me and that we were getting married. I was crushed again. After that she continued to text him and I thought that was very rude so I decided to call her and ask her to please stop. Well guess what??? She had no idea who I was. She didn't know he had a fiancee. She knew nothing. She said had she known, she would have never messed around with him. I was in shock. I said to her "all you did was hug right?" She said she was sorry but they had slept together and she just wanted to be honest with me. She said "you know he came home early from Abilene, right". I didn't know that and told her so. She said that that Monday he had come home and came over to her apartment and that is the first time they had sex. Then again about a week later. She said I could call her anytime if I wanted to know anything and that she would stop speaking to him. And she did. As for him, he begged and pleaded with me. He said he was just confused about me being pregnant and wanted to get his mind off of it. He said he knew she was easy.

So what do I do? Stupid me, I forgave him. Didn't tell him I needed time to think or anything. I cried a lot. He promised to never cheat on me again. He was going to do whatever it took to prove that to me. It was difficult because he continued to work with the girl but she finally quit and all was well. I had a hard time not bringing it up from time to time. It hurt so bad. I guess I never really got over it. I think me having the miscarriage and him lying to me about being out of town three days later but really being with her just stuck in my mind. I knew he was a liar but I loved him. I loved him so much.

Over the next few months, he was perfect. We were perfect. We had a few arguments when I would bring up the affair. I know, I know, if I forgave him, I shouldn't have brought it up. We go through Christmas and New Years and we just so enjoyed life together. We were always in contact. Shortly after the new year, his Pop passed away. It was a very difficult time for both of us. However, the day after his Pop passed, I noticed on our cell phone bill that he was talking to a number that I had never seen before. I asked him about it and he claimed it was his friend Tom. I knew that it wasn't Tom and told him so. He called me later in the day and said he had left our condo with all of his things. That he didn't deserve to be treated like this, to be questioned. I was beside myself. I didn't understand where this was coming from. He ended up coming home and gave me some off the wall excuse as to who the girl was he had been speaking to. I asked him why he lied and he said she was just easy to talk to but he would stop talking to her. She called and he tried to feed her what he had told me since I was sitting right there. I took the phone and talked to her for a minute before she hung up on me. Come to find out, it was a girl that had been in his store and he was just curious if he "still could" pick up a girl. He even admitted that it may have led to a physical relationship.

Again, what do I do? I forgive him. THEN I did the most idiotic thing ever. I married him 2 weeks later. I know!!!!!! KICK ME!!! But I love him. He and I were great together. It was like that fairy tale romance. We were inseparable. He called me his amazing wife and he was my sweet husband. We were going to last forever. God I love him. We always told that to one another. Anyway, you get the point. We didn't have any issues. It was a great marriage.

Then back in September, we were hanging out with my brother and cousin. However, that whole day, his affair had been on my mind. I'm telling you it is hard to let something like that go. My husband said something and for whatever reason, I blurted out to my cousin and brother that he had cheated on me. Albeit a year ago, he had done it. I felt horrible. I still feel horrible. My husband ended up leaving and staying gone all night. I found him the next day at his mothers house. He didn't want to talk to me. I apologized and told him I felt so bad and that I told my brother and cousin that I shouldn't have said anything since it was a year ago and I chose to forgive him. He just said to go home and he would be home later.

He finally came home and told me he was going to a get together at some of our friends house but I was not invited as his mother and her live in didn't want me there. I told him it wasn't even their house so how could they say I wasn't invited? He said they just said they didn't want you there so I'm going to go but I will be back in one hour. I said fine although I was very hurt. I was sitting on the patio of our condo and he walked out the door, kissed me on the top of my head from behind and walked back in. I noticed about 5 minutes later that he had actually left for the party. I called and again he said he would be back in one hour....

I didn't know where he was that night. His phone was off and I didn't actually speak to him until later the next day when he told me that he was going to his Dad's and that he wasn't coming home. He was very rude, very cold and very cruel to me. He hung up on me and wouldn't take my calls. The next day I talked to him and he told me it was over that he didn't want to do "this" anymore. That he just couldn't. That there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind.

I was floored. I have been for the past three months. He has treated me as if I am the most horrible person in the world. He has said mean things to me when I call him. I'll admit for the first month I did not act very good. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I texted all the time. He would rarely respond and if he did, it was rude. He said he wanted to stay friends but then he wouldn't take my calls. I told him if he wanted the divorce then he would need to hire an attorney. His response was "well I do know this paralegal". I was like WHAT? You see that's my occupation. I told him I would not do the paperwork.

He told me he would not cheat on me until our divorce. He promised promised.

He started talking to girls within a month of leaving. I found out and drafted our petition for divorce. I went to him, gave him the petition and told him to file it on Monday and that he was a liar.

That was two months ago. He still has not filed the petition. We stopped all communication over a month ago. I just cannot understand how he can just move on with his life without any consideration for our vows. He has been inviting girls over to get in the hot tub at his dad's where he is living. He has been posting this on FB. I finally deleted him as a friend so I wouldn't have to see it. He is pursuing a girl from the Ukraine right now. He's asked her to come to the hot tub, told her he was really hoping to see her. It makes me sick.

Everyone that knows us is in shock. They all say that we were so in love, like we had just met. Nobody understands who my husband has become. He is not the person I fell in love with anymore. That person is dead. I just miss us so much. Like I said, we had an amazing love. I have never felt this way about anyone and he says the same. He told me everyday that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is young. I know that I was stupid for ever thinking it would work. But the age difference never came into play until he left. He has been partying with all of his friends. Heck on Halloween which marked 9 months of being married, he wore a free mammogram costume to a Halloween party. I just can't believe who he is now. How can people change so much? How can he do this to me?

We spoke everyday several times a day for 16 months. Now we don't even talk. He's still my husband, I am still his wife. I still love him very very much.

I don't understand why he won't file the divorce. I can't even get him to give his consent for me to split my auto insurance into my own policy. The insurance company has called him, I have emailed and texted him but he just won't do it. I guess if he ignores everything having to do with me, then in his mind I do not exist.

I have good days or as good as they can be but the bad days are really bad. It's been three months and it's only a little better. I just don't know if I will ever be OK. I feel like I will never have the love I had with him with anyone else. Nor do I want anyone else for that matter.

I can't even talk to my husband. My husband. He was my best friend and now he acts as if he hates me. What is wrong with me? Someone should give me a swift kick! I won't call him. I can't. He wouldn't respond anyway.

Is this nightmare ever going to end? I still want him to come home even though I know he's not and even if he wanted to, I shouldn't let him.

I guess I'm just pathetic.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-15-2009 03:32 PM

Shurm, You are not pathetic. You just seem to have gotten swept up in a whirlwind romance... with the wrong guy. Make no mistakes that this guy is the wrong guy

I am sorry to say that since my gut tells me if he showed up at your door today you'd take him back... just to ease the pain of missing him. I could not blame you for that... many people will do anything to ease their suffering even at the cost of suffering greater later.

Its like starving to death and your stomach in terrible pain... there is a plate of food, your favorite dish there on the table and its warm and tasty... but its also poisoned. Eating it will be the worst thing for your health... but you are hungry.

I think that you should be happy for the time you spent that he made you smile, time wasn't wasted... you made the most of every day with him. But it was not to be. He is not anywhere near ready to settle down yet, as his actions clearly show.

Right now him not signing that paper is holding you in limbo. He probably is enjoying that control or he would have signed the papers allowing you to have closure and work towards healing...but right now are in a sticky situation.

Its hard going on with your life , maybe meeting an awesome guy and having to explain you are not technically single. You having more legal experience should know if there is something you can do to expidite this divorce. He has abandoned you. I believe thats good enough grounds aside from the cheating.

You sound like a good woman with a free spirit (or you never would have taken such a leap of faith to begin with) don't lose that part of you along with losing him. Life is short AND life is long, spend it with someone that makes it better... not worse.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-15-2009 03:38 PM

I don't worry about age gaps.

But, 20 and he was in the air-force, and probably had been since 18..

You two might have clicked but he was basically a child, whilst your a mature woman your interests in life would be different but also he wouldn't have had much experience with women or dating.

Now he's home and girls his age show attention, attraction which he possibly didn't have that much experience with. I think he was/is going through alot of confusion.

I'm sorry that your hurt.

But, he's not a jerk, he's just a young guy finding his way in life and taking age out of it, you don't diss your partner in front of friends, or family, a partner is such for a reason, for life and respect comes with that, and that wasn't respectable.

I suspect that is what turned for him in the end, more so than the accusastions. But like any cheating it's not on... and you don't deserve that nor need that in your life, it's natural to get angry and to still feel that pain.

If he was 30 then he would have had 10 years of knowledge but he was 20 and had no real "world" experience with women, life..

He probably realises he's 21 and hasn't had the time that you've had to understand what "for life" really is, whilst he's still working out who he is, including education, employment, life in general.

The only support I can offer you is you tried a relationship that didn't work and you will find someone else in your life.

He possibily can't afford to file for divorce either.

Alot of younger men fall deeply for an older woman, but also alot fall deeply in lust.

Don't think of him as a jerk, he's only young, think of him as a good memory of something beautiful but learn from it.

CW

**GlitterAndStuds** · 12-16-2009 06:28 AM

Wow, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this right now and getting jerked around so much by this guy.

He is young AND he is a jerk. I've always thought that (in many cases) 20 years old is still too young to get married. Granted, I'm only 24, but over a year ago I dated a guy who was just turning 20. I pretty much felt like a babysitter for that whole month. This certainly doesn't apply to all guys, but most of the ones I've met are still very immature at that age, and still in that "party" stage where they just want to meet a bunch of girls.

However, age does not excuse his actions. Whether he's 20 or 50, he's still a jerk for putting you through so much.

You are certainly not pathetic though. You're in love. I don't doubt at all that he loved you and was crazy about you at one point. He's probably just realizing that he hasn't had much of his own time between being in the Air Force, and then getting married.

I hope everything works out for you. You sound like an awesome woman who has a LOT to offer.

**KMonte85** · 12-16-2009 06:35 AM

Lust/Romance/Idolizations... This unfortunately is what your relationship was based off of. You were smitten with each other. You are still smitten. He, on the other hand, is young with the attention span of a gnat. He's no longer smitten with you and now it is time for you to think on your time with him as pleasant - but over.

Proceed with the divorce.. he might not have money, but broke people get divorces all the time. It's doable, just a little more difficult.

Then, once that is over, proceed with your life. Perhaps, seek counciling to find strategies to deal with the bad breakup and move on. Find hobbies that make you happy, spend quality time with friends and family, and when you feel ready, go back out there and find someone who will love you forever, not just when it is convenient for them.

**drchandra** · 12-16-2009 08:36 AM

Chandlers Wish hit on a key aspect, his age and when he probably entered service. The exact date isn't important, but basically he left High School, his home and hes mom as a teenager and entered the service. I did the same. Odds are it wasn't an immediate entry into the service, then you tack on basic training and schooling. Then he goes to his first duty station, probably doesn't even have a car and is living in the barracks. Best case two or three man room, much like a college dorm. First time, he probably had a steady paycheck which is not a lot. If he does get a car, the payments and insurance will take a large bite of his income. He is able for the first time to eat, drink and do anything he wants.
A large part of it is partying and trying to get laid. Where is he going to meet women, mostly likely bars, he is in a new place and doesn't know anyone, plus being young and in the service that is what you do. Obviously after a certain point in time you get tired of this and want something else. However, it doesn't sound like he even made it through this stage before he left the service. It took me over two years to get past that point. Like him I also met an older woman she was 29. We hit it off really well and I began dating her. I remember thinking, wow a real woman likes me and was very flattered. Obviously, the more I got to know her, the more I realized we had a very large gap in life experience. Simple, things like, how to grill or check why the water heater isn't working. How to talk to her friends(all her age and above), what to talk about, some had kids. Soon after, I was transferred, so I didn't have to break up with her for other reasons. I really liked her and think of her every once in awhile.

However, this doesn't excuse any of his behavior. One thing did leap out at me:

Towards the end of August I found out I was pregnant. I told him and you can imagine his shock. You see, he had told me that he couldn't have children.

That was a lie, apparently one of many to come. He is too young to have had any reason to find this out. “Hey, I think I will go to the doctor and see if I'm sterile so I don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.” Nope. More than likely he has used this line before. I have known some ignorant guys, that admitted to me they told this to women.

The beginning of a relationship is a wonderful time. All you do is think about the other person, no one else exists. This seems to have been a one sided love affair. I couldn't imagine, even looking at another women during this time period.

You seem to have entered into a serious relationship rather prematurely. That is why you wait and get to know someone over time. This relationship would have blown up giving the appropriate amount of time. It still would still be difficult to come to the realization that he is a liar and cheater. You know all this, in your heart, accept it and move on. Practical advice; If it is your insurance, cancel it. If they won't cancel it, take out other insurance and stop paying the first. Accelerate the divorce and make sure all of your financial ducks are in order. It's one thing to have a bad memory of a love lost, but it is much worse to have a financial nightmare, haunting you again and again.

Good luck

**WildChild** · 12-16-2009 08:59 AM

Well dear, this is a mess. You did get yourself sucked in. It wasn't a good marriage, it was based on lies and cheating. I did this, my first marriage, I caught him cheating, it was a LCR with his former gf so there was no physical cheat. I married him. It was stupid. He kept it going with her and had several physical affairs too.

You were in love, he was looking for a mother he could control, who could pay the bill, solve the problems, would always accept and trust him and take his carp. My guess would be he never quit messing around, he may have had a couple dry spells but now he's found someone else to feed on for awhile. Having someone younger can be fine but he wasn't old enough to buy booze when you met. He has a ton of growing up to do yet. He didn't leave the service honorably, he was in trouble. You were handy, ameniable and he used you. Even if he did love to some degree, it was more to do with how you made him feel and what you could do for him. Think of the ego boost, an attractive, mature,experienced older woman found him worth being with.

Sweetie, Fill out the paperwork, get it filed and get this over with, before he runs up debt you end up having to pay off and drags you into a bigger mess. He's an immature jerk. Who knows what else he's done or is doing? Get your self untangled from him. Keep the good parts of the memories, have a good cry and write off the rest. You are a Woman, He is a BOY emotionally and may never grow up -not as long as he can find women to to pull his load for him and play games with. Just end this and move on. There are some wonderful, mature men in the world but you won't meet them while you are tangled up with this.

**Shurm** · 12-16-2009 09:33 AM

I appreciate all of you guys' responses. I know he is young. Believe me. That has been a constant in the back of my mind since I met him. The thing about him is yes, he went into the Airforce at 18 and got let go from the Airforce at 20 but had he been your typical 20 year old, I would have never given him a second thought. I have never been one to date that much younger than my age. The community we live in is mainly older people, much older than both of us. He grew up there. I remember telling him in the beginning that he had an old soul. It was as if he was closer to my age than his real age. He always acted so mature and was always so kind. He never wanted to go party with his friends, he was content spending all of his time with me, as I was him.

The reason I say he is a jerk is not for what he did to me during our relationship. It was my choice to remain with him and marry him after he did those things. I say he is a jerk for how he has handled the separation. I know that how he has handled it is due in large part to his age. I just can't understand how someone can just turn and walk away and not even look back. My friends and family say that this is his way of dealing with it. That he is pretending I don't exist and not dealing with any issues surrounding our marriage because if he doesn't deal with them, they don't exist.

I cannot put into words really how close he and I were. So, for us to not even be on speaking terms at this point completely baffles me. We had such a bond and it's so strange to not even know if he is OK. I know he is alive and all. I know that he is partying and trying to meet girls. I know that he is spinning out of control. He is dangerously late on his car payments. He won't pay our car insurance and will not let me off the policy. I can't even pay the insurance because he has told the insurance company that we are separated and therefore, I have no access to the account other than calling everyday to insure that my vehicle is still covered. I am trapped in that policy until it is canceled for non-payment. Why won't he let me off the insurance? I just want to call him and ask him what happened? Why have you turned into an immature irresponsible child? You guys have to understand that he is not this person. Maybe it's because he was in the Airforce but he was such a kind responsible person. I am worried about him.

I too believe that he just realized that he is 21 and that he hasn't had the time to live between the Airforce and getting married. But I do also think that he shouldn't be let off the hook just because he is young. He knows what marriage is. He is the one that asked me to get married. He acts as if I was just his girlfriend and walked away. I don't get how he can just not acknowledge the fact that we were and for the time being still married.

Yes, I am still in love with him. I believe he still loves me although I do believe he doesn't want us anymore. He told me at the start of our separation that leaving was something he didn't want to do but felt like he had to. I know it's for the best, it's just so hard. I want to hate him, not for leaving but for being so mean and cold since he has left. We shared an amazing love, one that most people never get to experience. I know I never have in my years. So, yes, a sweet memory is what this will be once the pain leaves my heart. I don't know when that will be but I wish it would hurry.

At least 10 or more times a day, I sit and just shake my head in disbelief that this is really happening. It's like "what just happened?" "is this for real?" So many unanswered questions. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that it is over. He made that choice and there is nothing I can do about it. He made the choice to never speak to me, to pretend I don't exist and again there is nothing I can do about it.

All I want and would love is for him to simply say "I'm sorry". Not for leaving but for how he has treated me over the last three months. He has truly been cruel but maybe that's his age too. It certainly hasn't been warranted.

Oh, and I know that telling my brother and cousin what I did wasn't respectful. I will regret that forever.

I miss him, who he was, not who he is. I miss us. The holidays aren't making it any easier either. And his birthday is on New Years day. I know that day will never be the same for me again.

Will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever stop missing what we had? It's as if he died. I hate it. He is not who he was.

Thank you again! It really helps getting perspective from uninvolved people.

**WildChild** · 12-16-2009 10:06 AM

It sounds like you may be dealing with a difference between reality and perception. We all do it to some degree. Reread your initial post, there are a lot of clues that he wasn't ever as In it as you were.

Bursting the bubble hurts but to move on we have to.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-16-2009 02:05 PM

I don't believe he hates you... 16 months of "everyday" communication.. I understand "old souls", I have some friends also who are 21, who I swear are way above their years, but they also know, reality from fiction, love, from lust.

I also know alot of young men fall for older women, in all ways. But, at some stage they say to themselves, "I love my youth too"... And question lust from love and how ever people cope with things, they cope. We are all different people and our coping mechanisms are different.

Again, he's a kid, and a few years ago, when told off he would probably, just leave the house and go to his mates house for hours..

Pretty much the same thing... Hide. He's not a "man" persay yet so he can't act like one.

What you are asking is for him to be a "man" about this... old souls apart, he's still a very young adult... He's not entered the world of 10 years experience, like I said, so he can't be what your after, that "man" about it.

You just have to realise and understand that...

For you, you spent 16 months conversing via text, seeing him, being with him, nice messages sent to you, loads of attention, what you thought was "love" pure on his side.

What you went through before those 16 months? ALOT of lonliness? You say "The Community we live in is much older people, much older than us" so I'm guessing, that you like everyone else who seeks in life, was also so wanting and seeking "love" and held on to that with dear life...

If the community doesn't afford you to find someone in your life, at 37, you have to consider if you want to remain a separated divorcee for the rest of your life, or to move, where you can mingle with like-minded and older people more around your age, so that you can have a life... and find someone else in your life.

I think that's the cause for your heart breaking so bad... Your options were limited and you had been on your own for a long time...

Sometimes we have to look "outside the square"... so the above and the fact that that's how he is coping.. That's his coping mechanism, to not be accused of using you, thereby you paying insurance and to cut all ties, so he can cope and move on.

What are you going to do? Remain in that community loveless for the next 10 years because there isn't really any guys there your age, a bit younger, or a bit older, options for you?

CW