Argued with fiance over sex-themed pc games

**stressed** · 12-16-2009 12:32 PM

Ok, I've talked about him before, and how bad our sex life has been since the beginning (3 years ago) and how I've asked him to stop with porn 6 months ago, which he has.
Well for the last 3 games he's been playing 3 different sex-themed pc games, in one of them you get to see a lot of sex actually and hot-pixelled ladies. That's all he's been doing since Sunday, work-play-eat-play-sleep-play. So today he noticed something was wrong and I told him what it was. He didn't get mad at first, just called me silly, but then I asked him if these games were a substitute for porn and he said maybe (i.e. yes). That tipped me off so I started explaining that of course it bothers me if he stares at what he does when he has me there naked in bed while he sits all day playing and getting turned on by that (he hasn't stopped holding his penis since Sunday and he kisses more intense than usual before he goes to work).
So eventually he got mad at me, calling me controlling ("I've stopped with porn, chatting, now you want me to stop with games"). He also complained about me not letting him see his friends (I just don't want to him to go out alone with a certain friend of his because they always drink and we have agreed to stop drinking because he behaves like a total idiot when he does).
So now he just left for work saying nothing.
This is never going to work with him. Sex is really bad and rare, it has to be planned and he hardly ever does something on me. I'm always willing and do whatever he wants, I'm not bad looking either. I just can't take it that my man drools over sexual images and never sees me in that way. I can't take this much longer, it has affected me a lot as a woman and he doesn't understand it.
I don't know what else to say, I'm very disappointed.

**stressed** · 12-16-2009 12:33 PM

*last three days, not games. Sorry, I'm upset and shaking...

**caterpillar79** · 12-16-2009 12:37 PM

Have you discussed about a possible couples' sex therapy or maybe on an individual basis? He is not listening to you, and if you keep doing what you do, you'll push him away even more.

**stressed** · 12-16-2009 12:47 PM

He's never going to go to one. I once suggested a doctor when he had erectal disfunctions over a year ago and even though he thought about it for a while he said he'd never do it. He doesn't understand how this affects me, he thinks I do it because I am controlling, but it's devastating. I mean, there I am at 25, in love with my man, reading a book while he's playing with pixels dressed in underwear or watching virtual sex and listening virtual sex screams. I just can't take it, I feel pathetic. He is obviously addicted to thins kind of thing. He even said 'whether I play these games or not doesn't change anything" (i.e. our sex life is still bad anyway).
I can't explain this and I feel I am so right about it that only a crazy or addicted person wouldn't understand.
My God what a mess. Stupid me thinking he'll get better, he never will. He'll never make me feel woman enough or enough for him. I have to get that in my head.

**sourpuss** · 12-16-2009 01:26 PM

Are you sure you want to be with this man, let alone marry him?

**rcoreyus** · 12-16-2009 01:36 PM

Sex games and porn are basically the same thing. I believe it is a problem if (and only if) its is interfering with he sex life with you. IT IS. I would guess he is addicted (and I don't use that word lightly), and he is unlikely to get better without help. He may not get better even with help - we are not very good at treating addiction.

So - I hate to say it, but I suggest you leave. I don't see how this is going to improve, and the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be for you to leave in the future.

This isn't about choice, porn, or you being controlling any of that. It is about him preferring porn to a real live woman that he loves. I have no problem with porn when sex isn't available, or possibly watched with a partner, but t his is different.

I've watched porn, but ONLY because my wife won't be intimate with me. I'd never prefer pictures to the real thing.

Living with an addict is a recipie for misery for the rest of your life.

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-16-2009 01:37 PM

Its quite possible that he does not have what is considered by most a healthy sexuality... which I think we will all see a lot more of as the guys that grew up seeing anything they could ever sexually imagine at the click of a mouse are coming of the age they want to be in a committed relationship.

Before internet porn, there was other forms of it, sure... but none providing instantanious variety, with no social stigma (privacy of their own pc) as internet porn does. There is enough free stuff out there to spend the rest of your life looking at hundreds of images a day and rarely , if ever see the same person.

And the porn, its going NOWHERE... its here to stay as it seems societies rarely regress sexually... once a box has been opened... its opened. It seems like more and more women are being vocal about their SO's preference to porn/masturbation over a warm body they love and while it seems rediculous when saying it, who would want that? , its become a real issue.

When I felt like it was becoming an issue in my relationship, I knew I'd have to walk away if my sexual needs were being ignored for porn. It wasn't the porn itself I had problems with, it was the feeling that he could take or leave me sexually but porn was a must have.

We were able to work it out and he listened and understood where I was coming from. Did he stop porn all together? likely not... he probably hides it, etc... but does he give me more sexual attention than before? Absolutely.

I think when you tell a guy you have a problem with their porn usage, you have to tell them why in a way that they can grasp because most don't attach emotions to things they use for stimulation and since its not cheating in real life... they are hard pressed to understand why it would bother you. So its important to be clear on what exactly it is about it that bothers you, be sure to go over it in your head and really find out for yourself what it is that upsets you about it and share that.

I think from what I've read your problem lies more with him not being intimate with you as often as you like -- if hes masturbating all the time whether its to pc, magazines or xbox is irrelevent... you are coming second to his stimulation of choice to masturbate to and he needs to be able to find a way to share his sexuality with you at least as much if not more than he does with porn or it will never work. You'll always be resentful, feel neglected and eventually will tire of it.

**sourpuss** · 12-16-2009 01:38 PM

I agree with rcoreyus, 100%.

**caterpillar79** · 12-16-2009 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Sex games and porn are basically the same thing. I believe it is a problem if (and only if) its is interfering with he sex life with you. IT IS. I would guess he is addicted (and I don't use that word lightly), and he is unlikely to get better without help. He may not get better even with help - we are not very good at treating addiction.

So - I hate to say it, but I suggest you leave. I don't see how this is going to improve, and the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be for you to leave in the future.

This isn't about choice, porn, or you being controlling any of that. It is about him preferring porn to a real live woman that he loves. I have no problem with porn when sex isn't available, or possibly watched with a partner, but t his is different.

I've watched porn, but ONLY because my wife won't be intimate with me. I'd never prefer pictures to the real thing.

Living with an addict is a recipie for misery for the rest of your life.

I agree with Richard 100% as well. You are still young. If you allow yourself to suffer now, where will that bring you?

**stressed** · 12-16-2009 01:49 PM

I don't know, guys and girls, other times I was mad at him, angry, now I'm just very sad. I had discussed this about porn with him 6 months ago and he said he understood. I asked him to stop with it until our sex life would reach a normal level and till I would feel he found me attractive and I was his first choice and so on. Every now and then he keeps asking when am I going to let him watch porn. Now he started playing these games which he admitted they are a substitute to porn and it's absolutely normal. Sex is once a week at best, always the same thing, always his pleasure going before mine because he says "he's the one with the penis, I should do most of the work". He's not stupid, he knows he's not good enough in bed, but instead of us working to improve this he plays it safe every time, doing the same thing every time, just to shut me up from complaining that we don't have sex. Whether we have it or not is one and the same to me the way it is.

I do believe he's addicted. He had been single for many years and such visual stimulation was the only thing he had. I think he used to watch almost every day before I moved in with him. He had GB's of porn on his PC, chatted a lot with girls and was registered at a dating site.

Anyway, now I believe that no matter how he wants to stop with all that for me, he just can't help it. He enjoys this more than the real thing. He can spend hours and hours watching these things and he would if I weren't here. No matter how much he's trying I can now conclude that he's pressured, he wants to watch and he'll never stop. Whether he satisfies me or not is not an issue to him. He says I should be patient and take it slow.

He's been on about marriage lately, I can't do it. Not when it's like that. He loves me and I love him but this damages my self esteem to a breaking point. If another man shows me any kind of physical interest I will be tempted. Not for the sex, but because I will feel, for once since my ex, that I can actually be seen as attractive by another man.

I've been trying hard for years, I really have. I have let go of a ton of things that any woman would be bothered by. I am not controlling and I do love him a lot. But I just can't go on like that. He will never change, his wish for visual stimulation will always be there and I will always be just something extra that requires a lot of work. I don't even think about sex anymore, why do that when I know nothing is going to happen. I get turned down every time. I even made a 1/2 offer before the argument and the answer was "not now, we've just eaten' and he went to play the game instead. I can't take this anymore, it's humiliating.