Fiance is messing with my head!

**schmootsypoo** · 12-18-2009 11:26 AM

Hi! I'm pretty new to this forum and have been just lurking for a while.

I have been with my Fiance for 2 1/2 years... Our 2 year anniversary was in July and he proposed to me that day. We didn't have a perfect relationship but it was definitely something special and different. We are both very stubborn and hard headed sometimes but I thought that we loved each other and wanted the same things.

We lived together and had been trying to have a baby for a year. On August 20th just a little over a month after he proposed he left his email up one morning before he went to work, well I snooped and boy I wish I wouldn't have.

There was forwards from his cell phone of naked pictures of other girls. I was beyond devasted... previously twice throughout our relationship I caught him looking at other girls profiles on Plenty of Fish, he didn't have an account but he was looking for one night encounters in our city and the city he worked in at the time which was heartbreaking enough. He said that he did it because he was bored... whatever... he broke the trust in our relationship because when I first asked him about the POF stuff he lied.

Back to the morning where I discovered the pictures, I called him at work in the morning and asked him about them... he lied repeatedly and told me that he didn't know what I was talking about. He then started getting angry at me for snooping and then started saying that he wasn't sure that he loved me anymore and I should go and stay with my mom for a week.

Well that was the final straw for me... I broke up with him on the spot and moved out within 2 days... he didn't contact me once. I was so heartbroken and devasted I immediately started seeing a pschycologist and then the Monday after I moved out I found out I was pregnant. I called him and told him, he basically said that he wanted me to keep it and he would "try" to love me again for the baby.

Well that was the period where I lost it, my doctors wanted me to go on suicide watch... I thought that I wouldn't be able to survive I was so devasted. I never thought this would happen to me. I was seriously considering having an abortion but I ended up miscarrying.

I picked myself back up and started rebuilding my life. I started dating again and was starting to be genuinely happy. On October 18th I got an extremely long winded email from him telling me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and that I was the love of his life and yada yada yada.

The messaging went back and forth for about a week, and we had our first counselling session. We have been slowly trying to rebuild our relationship but I just don't know if I can do it... I still feel so betrayed. I know that he didn't actually cheat on me, but the trust just isn't there. I care for him but I'm not sure that I actually love him anymore... there are moments where I feel like I do love him and want things to work, but sometimes I feel like it is just too hard. And I deserve better.

I feel overly paranoid now... I'm constantly checking his phone bills, email and Facebook and I hate being that person. I just don't know what to do anymore.

**sourpuss** · 12-18-2009 11:39 AM

You're right, you deserve better and this is no way to start a life together.
My advice, learn from the experience and move on. Just my two cents.

**LanaBear** · 12-18-2009 11:45 AM

Originally Posted by schmootsypoo

I care for him but I'm not sure that I actually love him anymore...

If you are having these thoughts, I think you know what you need to do. In my opinion, your uncertainty is actually making the decision final, saying goodbye.

As sp said, you do deserve better!

If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.

**WildChild** · 12-18-2009 12:25 PM

How do you know he didn't actually cheat on you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-18-2009 01:22 PM

he would "try" to love me again for the baby.

I am sorry for your mis-carriage.

But, any man that says that above? I would do what you did, there's the door, it's closed not half open, not half shut but closed.

POF does have intimate encounters, I doubt that he would be looking only, to see if there is someone he could hook up with whilst away, without having an account, otherwise it's "teasing himself" isn't it?

He did cheat, emotionally, by sending photos of himself, but he also really treated you like dirt, to then as they do, come crawling back, as he has found his life lonley.

You will work it out, in your heart you can't trust him not because he made 1) silly mistake, but he made several "large" mistakes, there is a difference I think where forgiving is concerned.

He's not ready for marriage.

It's good that you two are going to councelling together, that shows some sign but he also has to be able to give up his "old life" for a "new life" and that's one of committment and love.

I think he has left a bad taste in your mouth for several reasons, not one and that's why you don't love him anymore, your just going through the motions.

Stay strong and true to yourself..

CW

**rcoreyus** · 12-18-2009 02:19 PM

If you feel you need to keep checking up on him, then he isn't the right person for you. Trust is probably the most important thing in a relationship.

BTW it doesn't matter whether he deserves to be checked-up on. If you can't trust him (for whatever reason), I suggest you leave.

**somiserable** · 12-31-2009 08:04 AM

Why have you got emotionally involved again with this man? He treated you like an idiot. It seems to me that he doesn't want you, neither does he want anyone else to. He is a jerk, get rid of him, stand tall, everyone on here will be behind you regardless of what you do...

**Futureboy** · 12-31-2009 08:20 AM

Get up dust yourself off and walk away. If you can't trust him now you never will. If he is tempted to stray now (whether he did or didn't) he probably will eventually when you are having a rough patch or whatever. He'll justfy it and put it back on you.

I am very sorry about your miscarrage but maybe it's a sign

Human nature is such that the more you invest (finance, time or emotion) the more you are willing to try. This is why gamblers are poor. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and chalk it up to experiance. Remember the good forget the bad and move on

There are thousands of better men out there. You just have to get your head straight first

I wish you all the best

Fb

**kygirl** · 12-31-2009 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

If you feel you need to keep checking up on him, then he isn't the right person for you. Trust is probably the most important thing in a relationship.

BTW it doesn't matter whether he deserves to be checked-up on. If you can't trust him (for whatever reason), I suggest you leave.

Agreed.