need some emotional guidance/divorce

**yflo** · 12-20-2009 07:34 AM

about 8 weeks ago my husband was drunk and we got into a argument. i asked him why i found more strange girls on his phone and he snapped started calling me a fat fing idiot and a loser and telling me i was miserable. it got so heated i had to call our neighbor -one of my husbands high school buddies to get him to calm down. he wanted me to leave and was throwing car keys at me- this all took place at 1:30ish in the morning. the next morning he sent me a text message telling me he was sorry and ashamed. he also stated if i needed him to move out hed understand. i told him yes i thought we needed some time apart. i was emotionally a wreck. 2 days later he still hadnt left i asked him once the kids went to bed if we could talk. he said about what...his mood changed. he said it was over and there was nothing left for him here. he moved in with his sister and now we are getting a divorce. ive asked him several times for marr counseling and he says no. i just asked him three days ago and he said no. he says he is over it and i need to move on. apparently he has a 27 yr old gf who is a bar maid. he is 38.He met her before but began pursuit when we had our fight. as much as i know i should be with someone that is nicer and more respectful of me...i am crying alot, and loud. my heart cant possibly break anymore. to top it off he is a jehovahs witness- i am not but he practices a very strict reliogon but lives a seperate life. i wish so badly i could get him out of my head...but i cant. i am struggling with him being over me- is he hiding his feelings.\

**WildChild** · 12-20-2009 07:44 AM

Well he isn't much of a Jehovah's Witness if he's getting drunk, having an affair, demeaning you and leaving you and your children. But if being a witness is part of his self perception why not talk with his pastor or spiritual leader ( I don't know what they call them in that faith group?) Obviously he needs someone he will listen to, if he won't go for counseling.

I can understand that you are in pain and want to save your marriage if you can.

How old are your children?
Are you financially dependant on him?
How long have you been together?
Has he had problems with drinking before?
By living a separate life do you mean like a double life? One as a religious man and one drinking and screwing around?

**yflo** · 12-20-2009 08:27 AM

i did try to reach out to his church and they told me they will not get involved and are trying to help him. he yelled at me the other day for reaching out to them. he thought i was trying to make him look bad. his faith doesnt believe in divorce but they are not willing to help us...its strange. not sure what story he told them or how honest he was.

we have a 9 and 7 year old. both girls. we have been married for 11 1/2 years but together since 1995. i am unemployed (laid off) and going back to school so i can live independantley which i have been for the last months since he left. he left and took all our money. he has had a drinking prob before that we both noticed. he would ask me when we go out to make sure he doesnt go over the point of no return, when i would nudge him he would say he was fine and then he would get wasted. he told me since he left he quit drinking but nobody thinks he has.

could he possibly have moved on and is over our almost perfect marriage- so quickly. i am most devastated by this remark he made as i am a pool of tears everyday. i can accept we arent together but have a hard time dealing with the fact that he has forgotten me so soon. will he ever come to reality of this situation and everyone inclu his closest friends say he is gonna hit rock bottom- i am hitting rock bottom for both of us.

**dr.mansview** · 12-20-2009 04:07 PM

seems this story has been told on WH many times before..oft times the affair with the gf ends and he then begs forgiveness and wants to return..think ahead..if this scenerio does indeed occur, are you willing to take him back..in the meantime assume he is gone forever and move on with your life..he may in fact be putting on a "don't care attitude" to you to justify his decision..sure it's difficult but look forward..you have two girls who need you..make them and you your priority right now..good luck "yflo"..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-20-2009 04:37 PM

Personally? I think he has a major drinking problem.

Some people are "happy" drunks, other's are abusive, he is abusive, to call you names, put you down.

I think he "needs" the money for his addiction, he was probably drunk when he started flirting with this woman.

What husband, actually takes all the money ,when there are children to take care of?

I'd say he is not coping with his life at all. Let the Church, work with him, I am pretty sure they are aware he has issues, it's a shame that they are "being confidential" with him but not "confidential with you", seems like double standards to me, they should not have repeated what you had confided with them in at all.

You and your children are safer at the moment with him being out of the house, whilst he works out his issues.

If he knows his "limit" with drinking, yet goes beyond the point, ignoring you, then he has acholol problems and as a drunk, he's unstable and abusive.

CW

**yflo** · 12-23-2009 07:26 AM

thank you all for replying. i just recently tried to be friendly with him just to make our communication not such a struggle regarding the kids and pick up dates etc....but becasue he had them sunday to monday on a school night he got compleltey frazzeled. calling me at 7 am telling me i was an awful mother and selfish becasue i wasnt home letting them get ready from home but rather his apt. i was at my cousins spent the night to make christmas cookies. it was a good evening for me for once being around people who love me and he was mad as hec. not sure why. he told me i am a miserable person and a horrible mother. the friendliness lastest a couple days until 7am that morning when he was so stressed trying to be a father when he has already fell into his new free lifestyle. he told me he bought a couple christmas presents for me to give to the girls (which i was thankful since i am struggling financially and thought he must have a heart esp since he doesnt celebrate) and after he blew up at me he called my kids and told them he has presents for them. he forgot he offered them to me to make look like santa came. he also threatened to keep our golden retriever which we have been swapping him back and forth to go along with the kids to his apt. i begged him not to threaten that about the dog and he persisted. he told me its his dog and maybe he will just keep him. that night i talked to my older daughter and tried to comfort her that our dog may stay with dad, so she didnt wonder where he was. when she asked him about it an hour later he laughed and said to her where on earth would you ever hear something like that, he is your dog babydoll and he protects you, i would never take him from you guys. he is messing with me so bad, im not sure how to react.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-23-2009 05:07 PM

He's emotionally abusing you...

When he commences his "threats" say " I am not going to listen to your threats", hang up or walk away. By listening he's winning as he watches you cringe.

I just answered on your other thread, didn't put the two together, it may be best to stick to "one thread" and pose your questions on that thread, so member's can get the full picture, okay...

He is not treating you right, full stop and he's using the children against you, don't fall for it, by not talking to them about something that he is "stating" but hasn't "done", he can't come back with the babydoll routine and make you look bad, which is what he is trying to do.

You basically said in your other thread that you would take him back, I think what you really need is some form of closure, you have alot of thoughts going on in your mind as to "why?" and because you can't answer them, it's going to drive you nuts.

As, I said on that thread, look after you.. And, your children... forget what he is doing, why he did it, at this point, he's playing mind games with you and your best to ignore them.

CW

**Pokahontaki** · 01-11-2010 12:09 PM

I think you dont respect yourself very much. U talk about a perfect marriage with a guy who has a drinking problem and has taken all the money from u?
I also think u should let him go. It breaks ur heart, i know. Dont stop him, wish him all the best and avoid contact. That is how he is going to be interested. Never do anything in kind, so he cant find any excuse for himself. In the end u will win.