Afraid to make a decision

**darline** · 12-24-2009 06:12 AM

My husband is 56 and seeing a 46 year old woman with 2 kids. In the beginning of this year a woman came onto my husband at work and he started an affair. She has already had 1 affair with another co worker. Turns out her husband paid her to have sex and then tell him about it. They are now divorcing since she has fallen for my husband. My husband turned into a stranger overnite. He spends a great deal of time with her and tells me everything about her including all about the sex....she seems to have sexual issues and wants to have sex all the time. He tells me he likes the fact she is nasty. He tells me he will not leave me for her..he just wants to have fun. she is no threat to me. But the last year has been horrible. I have cried, stopped eating, ate to much..gotten on more medication, told him to leave..begged to stay. My work suffers...I don't do anything anymore but focus on him and her. He told me to get a boyfriend so I don't pay so much attention to him. He doesn't do anything much anymore. He stopped doing things around the house...he doesn't do anything, but sit in front of the computer and talk to her on the phone. He carries the phone around so his does not miss her calls. They text, Im, talk on the phone. He was even bringing her to our house. He goes over to her house..has met her husband and her kids love him. He says he does not want to ruin a friendship with living together. My adult children want my happiness, but I cannot leave him for some reason. Why do I think things will change and we will be happy???
I am so afraid of being alone or regretting it if I leave him.....I am too old to start over at 56. I don't get anything done....I work 2 jobs...he has a part time job..too much time on his hands. my finances are in shambles....my kids are worried about me as are my friends....my therapist and lawyer say leave and start to think of myself....it sounds good but I think I will miss him...I cry and he is playing house....now he is on line looking for another woman...he is even looking at 20 somethings...

**rcoreyus** · 12-24-2009 08:22 AM

You are NOT too old at 56 to start over if that is what you want.

There are some couples who have "open" relationships, but that is only appropriate if both agree - and you do not. (even when both agree it often leads to disaster).

You are married - you have every reason to expect that your husband will be monogamous. You haven't said, but I assume that at least until this affair started you were still sleeping with your husband. If not, things are more complicated.

Your children are grown, you are the one with the income, there is nothing tying you there.

I never like to think about relationships in terms of fault - it isn't a game where you keep score. It doesn't matter who wins. Since you are not happy in this situation you should leave. I think you will not be alone for long: there are nice men out there. I don't seen any reason to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

**OhThereYouAre** · 12-24-2009 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I never like to think about relationships in terms of fault - it isn't a game where you keep score. It doesn't matter who wins.

Agreed. By keeping score, you make yourself worse off- and mire yourself in agony.

**Ahryin** · 12-24-2009 12:28 PM

Ok...I need to first say I apologize if my response is harsh in any way shape or form. I do not mean to be but I have a habit of telling the truth and not holding my tongue. With that said.....
Your husband did and does WHAT?????

SMH (sighs) Ok women...Marriage is a sacared agreement ventured upon when two people love and RESPECT each other who have similar wants and needs for their future. I believe in open relationships (to an extent) but NOT open marriages! It is a promise to God which to me is not meant to be broken. Time and Time again I ask for women to go and get a dictionary look up the word love and ask yourself...is this what is going on? Now I can not say your husband doesn't love you..but you might as well throw respect out of the window. I'm dating and my dude doesn't even do that! I wish he would come to me and tell me about his sexual experience with a chick! Every thing and anything I had around me at that moment would be thrown at him! If I did happen to forgive him every single pair of underwear he owns or purchased would have icyhot in them to remind him NOT to be hot in the pants!
Your husband is way...way..way to comfortable! He has NO fear of loosing you and NO respect for his marriage let alone you! What's worse is you ALLOW this! You are NOT to old..the only time you become to old is when you think you are! Apparently your Husband isn't to old...

Your kids are grown, you are a hard working, loving, responsible woman! First and foremost..you don't need a man. Secondly you need to re establish your own self worth. You are a catch! Act like one! Life is an obstacle...overcome it! I can tell you this, you wouldn't have half the bills if you didn't have half the man! Maybe you should leave, move out! I gaurantee you this, when he realizes the work he has to put in to support himself vs you doing it (because a part time job just isn't going to do it) and the chick realizes the work she will have to put in to compensate for everything YOU do...now thats an awakening! He only wants you to stay because he is a leach and you accept it! Now see me...yeah I'm not the one to play with like this! That woman is a HO! She accepts money for sex? Word? That means not only is your husband disrespecting you, but he is disrespecting your LIFE! He does not value YOUR LIFE! Which means YOU have to value YOUR LIFE! You don't know what that woman has? What the men she has slept with has! OMG I would make her life a living H...E..double hockey sticks! You gotz to be kidding me! My advice...take a "ME" break! I understand you might not want to get a divorce but I would give my husband some things to think about without using my words. Move out...don't tell him just do it! Get a manicure, pedicure, massage, facial, get your hair done, join a gym (to get all that hurt and pain energy away from you..work it out), join a class (learn something new to keep your mind from being on him) Spend your hard earned money on you! Make your life simple for a while. If you love your husband you have to let him go so he can finally realize that he loves you to! If he doesn't love you than it wasn't worth it, but at least you would have had some time to realize that you can love you better than anyone can! I'm not saying there won't be moments when you don't miss the good days...but think about how long ago those good days are. You are waisting way to much time, money and energy on worrying about your husband...you might as well worry about YOU! Guess what...you wouldn't need to pay a therapist, you wouldn't need to pay for perscriptions, you would only have to make a lump sum payment to your lawyer (that if you choose divorce ..which mean alimony because your husband step'd out on you..which would actually mean a paycheck..INCOME) so calculate exactly how much money you would save..money that could be spent on going on a cruise (they have single's cruises that are AWESOME), traveling the world, or even just visiting your kids! The possibilities are endless. At this point you are carrying a lot of baggage..Pain= baggage, Lies=Baggage, Hurt = Baggage..leave your baggage at the door!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-26-2009 02:20 PM

....I work 2 jobs...he has a part time job..too much time on his hands. my finances are in shambles....my kids are worried about me as are my friends....my therapist and lawyer say leave and start to think of myself....it sounds good but I think I will miss him...I cry and he is playing house....now he is on line looking for another woman...he is even looking at 20 somethings...

I imagine you've been with him a long time. But, look back, seriously say over the past 10 years, how has it "really been?".

You work 2 jobs and he works part time, ask yourself why are you in financial shirt? If you are the one bringing in the money?

Your letting your standards drop, who where you before you ever, ever, met him? A woman who knew what she wanted?

I'm 46, and "single"... seperated and will get divorced once I can work out our finances, of which I also was the person bringing in the money off course now he's doing it nicely since I left, but lounged around and didn't work when I was there, why is that?

I absolutely LOVE my life. Do you think I don't understand what it's like to walk away and start all over again? I cryed, but you know what? There will be no more tears or watching him on the computer, or visiting and talking to this girl.

He want's "nasty" sex, and now let's see if I can con a younger woman as well, he's living "off you", not with you, and bringing your self esteme to it's lowest point, thinking that you won't leave and he can continue this, in "your home" with "you in it", don't you think your worth more?

Kick him out, change the locks tell him to go to her and when he says " oh but I don't want to leave you", say "yeah I know, I have two jobs, you work part time, so you NEED me, doesn't work that way, seeya.

He's prepared for you to have sex with another man. He's not thinking of you, he's thinking of how to rid of you stopping him or kicking him out, and by you having a boyfriend then your doing the same thing, therefore, he can stay in the house and be even more free to do what he wants.

NO.

You remember that word.

NO.

Respect yourself, I don't care if he's going through midlife crisis, he isn't working like you, yet he's living off you and not even saying thankyou, for supporting him, being there for him, he's throwing everything in your face and living off you.

NO.

CW

**PJhavinfunagain** · 12-26-2009 03:32 PM

"I am too old to start over at 56"..... Pish posh!!! No way are you to old to make your life into what you want it to be.

"I work 2 jobs"... then you can support yourself.

Once you are free of him you will be amazed how your self esteem will rise. You are the one in charge of your future. Not some guy who has ZERO respect for you and your marriage.

**missy93635** · 12-27-2009 02:06 AM

First let me tell you that you are not to old to start over. You need to find someone that is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I can understand where you are coming from when you say you will miss him, i have been in your shoes but i had to get out. You are suffering so much because of your husbands actions, it is not in any way fair to you if you want thing to work out with him you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to make a decision, You don't deserve what he is doing to you. And if he decides that he can't be faithful to you kick his rear to the curb. Go out, have fun, and find someone that will respect you, because it is very obvious that your husband does not he walks all over you and no one deserves that, especially you with everything that you do. Its time for you to get tough and stand up for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

**danceintx** · 12-29-2009 01:51 AM

I would be more concerned about his lack of concern for your feelings than his infedelity. He can sit around and watch you suffer like this and not even care? What on earth about that will you miss? I am willing to bet you will miss his mere presence and your plans and dreams with him more than you will actually miss him. You are never too old to make your own happiness. And this man is now looking for more women because you have accepted his blatent infedelity once so now he knows it's ok. People will treat you the way you teach them to. And he has now been taught it's fine to cheat. You will stay, still pay the bills, etc. Can you really see yourself living like this long term? Apparently he doesn't plan to stop cheating. Find your self respect and leave, you are worth much more than this.

**KMonte85** · 12-29-2009 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by darline

He told me to get a boyfriend so I don't pay so much attention to him.

Take his advice. Find a new man, since the one you are with is not worth the love and attention you are giving him.

But first.....

Kick his lazy, good for nothing, selfish, greedy butt to the curb.

Divorce him, get a good lawyer who will help you take him to the cleaners so you don't end up paying support - let his girlfriend bear the burden of supporting him, she's got two kids already, what's one more!

Then spend that time you were wasting mulling over your newly exhusband on yourself - pamper yourself a bit... after all, you will have a bit more money since you aren't supporting another person anymore. Then when the time is right, find someone who is worthy of your time who you can love and who will love you back.

**somiserable** · 12-29-2009 08:01 AM

Look at your life!!!!! OMG, what are you doing, you are a human being and everyone deserves respect, do NOT PUT UP WITH THIS!!!!! I know sweetheart you are hurting, I know it seems like life can never be the same, it can and it will be better, kick him out, file for divorce, you are not too old, my best friend met and married another man at 60!!! Shed been married to him for 35 yrs!!!! you know what she tells me? She has found true love, looks 100% better than she has in years being downtrodden by a sc***** of a man who had no respect for her, stay strong we are all here for you!!!!!