Shelly, its hard. I do understand what you mean about thinking about the past. My boyfriend has stopped (at least in any way obvious to me) looking at porn when he understood how much hurt me, and was having an effect on how I felt about him and our relationship. But every now and then I'll think about when he use to, and my heart breaks.
Guys will come in, they will tell you that you are being a drama queen, to get over it, that its just what guys do... but your feelings and how much it hurt you are real to you and I know they were very real to me.
Whether or not we should react differently, isn't the problem... its trying to find a way to move forward without letting contemptment build over the past.
Most of the time I am in the moment and don't remember, or think about how much it hurt me... but like you -- I'll think about it and I'm back to feeling awful, sad, not good enough... etc.
The best advice that I can give you is to do your best to keep it in the past unless he gives you a reason to bring into the relationship now. Its hard when its on your mind and you still want to be mad about it. But if you love this man, if you know he loves you and if you are happy when you don't think about this... you gotta learn to roll with those down moments and do your best to feel good about how it isn't occuring anymore.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Try not to think so much
I went though the same thing when me and my husband moved in together and i felt the same way you did. after a while i told him lets watch it together and do what they are doing. You know what i mean? So just tell him that him that and see what it says. And if he doesnt agree buy yourself a toy and one of those movies and there you go.
An idea I've had that I fortunately didn't have to use (he stopped before I had to):
Tell his mother about it...
Seriously, it's a check mate.
Wow. I have some real mixed emotions when it comes to this subject. My first husband really screwed up our marriage early on in my opinion by downloading porn....and that was back when it took 8-10 minutes just to download a stupid picture in the early 90s. LOL But more seriously, it went from simple renting videos to downloading jpg pics to joining some chat rooms, to me finding our phone bill at the bottom of the trash can and discovering he had called some other chick he met online and had phone sex with her. After that blow up had settled down, it moved on to him finding porn sites with vids and discovering alternative lifestyles and trying to convince me to have threesomes, swinging, and such as that.
I went to counseling after a while and realized that we weren't compatible in any part of life...except moderately so in the bedroom and he was probably trying to capitalize on that. Long story short, he is the "ex" husband now.
My current husband watches internet porn, and I do too, but probably at a ratio of 10:1 (really trying to be fair and objective here). We rarely watch together, which bothers me and when we do, its at my suggestion. I totally understand how he gets turned on and can enjoy it, as I enjoy it too occasionally. Its like an indulgement or guilty pleasure that feels really good sometimes. But I view it more like a piece of cake...you shouldn't have it that often, but when the time is right, go for it. I figure he views it more like vitamins...if he hasn't had his daily allowance, why shouldn't he get it from porn?
But I have to be honest, when I really start think about it, it bothers me quite a bit. I have sort of given up trying to talk to him about it, because his version is that since I have enjoyed watching from time to time, it makes me two-faced or hypocritical to suggest he does it too much, or too suggest that it bothers me that he does it.
I just find it very interesting that he doesn't do it around me, nor I him...except maybe 1-3 times a year, and always at my suggestion. I have a really high sex drive (or so I am told), but it never seems to be enough for him. So in my mind, he is using porn to masturbate in the few rare moments I am not available or in the mood. If I have sex with him every day of the week, multiple times a day, he would still find time for porn.
I guess I have decided to pretty much embrace it. IT doesnt matter how much you talk to them about your feelings, if they are into porn, they don't care how it makes you feel. I am a little jealous at those women whose husbands truly dont look at porn, and really only save their nasty thoughts for their woman. Maybe that's a fantasy though??
Also, if you ever decide to enjoy it too no matter how rare, they will use that to perpetuate that you as a wife have double standards. At least my husband does. He is a great man, trust me, and he turns me on to the nth degree. But he really likes his porn, and I don't completely get it.
I figure he doesn't really care how I feel about it, so i will just keep my mouth shut from now on. It may be a sort of addiction, I dont know. I just pray my son doesn't go down that road. Its weird that when he does it, it makes me feel ugly and not good enough to be his woman. I really feel a blow to my self confidence because of this. But again, he is very adamant and consistent in his argument that he is going to do this, and he doesn't care how it makes me feel, or at the very least, it "shouldnt" make me feel that way.
If I were doing something that made him feel like less of a man, and he would tell me that, I would feel awful and I would stop doing whatever it was that made him feel like that. I try to spend my time building him up, not tearing him down.
Im rambling, but this is a sore spot for me. I don't know what to do except to accept how he "needs" this. And just pretend his reasoning makes sense. Wish he knew how much it drives a wedge between us.
I totally agree with you "stressed" his reasoning is that it "means nothing" or that he "needs a release". Give me a break. But on the other hand, and this is why i feel conflicted, is that I guess i love him so much, if he needs to masturbate because i only gave it up 3 times this week instead of 5, then fine...whats the big deal right?
I will continue to feel conflicted about this. I still have a lot of figuring out to do.
Originally Posted by stressed
RedN... I feel for your situation.If only your husband could read your post... maybe then he'd get it?
So far my boyfriend hasn't exhibited any inclination towards porn. I'll be really surprised if I ever find out otherwise...
Honestly, my relationship with my boyfriend isn't perfect, and I'm worried that if I ever looked for love elsewhere... this PORN thing would come up and I'd be heartbroken.
I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend watches porn and it knocks my confidence massively making me think he would much prefer to watch someone else have sex or even fantasise about having sex with that person rather than think of me or even watch our own stuff. I decided one day that I would watch it myself and it gave me all sorts of new ideas that we could try and by doing this i have become a complete different person when it comes to the bedroom, which has also cut down his love of porn by keeping him interested in me, you can do anything to spice up your relationship introducing new things into the bedroom such as toys, costumes and even just sexy underwear. Watch porn together just for the fun of it then try rein-acting what you saw. Also if there are times when you can't see him you can still have sex... cyber sex, text sex, sending saucy pictures and even have video shows via the internet. I don't know if this was what you was looking to hear, but I hope this helps you in some way.
Alright, a wee bit of a guy's perspective-
On not wanting to watch porn with your lover:
I admit I've rather lucked out as far as girlfriends go, mine would not object to me watching porn. She's got a substantially larger collection than my own, goes for the weird Japanese animated stuff. I occasionally watch porn with her, but generally not when I am planning to get myself off. Doesn't have anything to do with her, but come on, after years of having any urge towards masturbation treated with scorn by anyone and everyone around you, most especially the opposite sex (something women don't really have to deal with as much, men don't tend to regard a women getting her own rocks off as dirty, foul, or wrong) men are understandably a bit wary regarding sharing this, even with their SO.
On women not wanting their men to watch porn:
As stated above, I've got an awe-inspiring girlfriend. Her massive quantities of rationality and coolness preclude her from suffering from the insecurity-spawned nailbiting that seems to have infected a large number of the respondents. But, here's a bit of simple truth for a minute: Many men have a larger libido than their girlfriends/wives/etc. Many times, one's SO isn't interested when one's libido is at a high point. Porn's handy for this.
For the "but I'm always ready so he shouldn't need it" crowd, let's be honest. You're lying. You're not always ready. He's not always ready. Nobody is, save for paid professionals with cash fueled sex drive substitute. And even if you possess a font of fiery passion, inexhaustible and eternal, people have schedules, both in their lives and in their bodies, and these differ from person to person. No couple is always on the same page sexually. Probably best to deal with it.
It isn't a reflection of your attractiveness:
Interpreting it as such is insecurity and, while it is any person's job to be supportive when a partner feels insecure, it isn't right to insist that your irrational insecurity dictates a partner's actions.
Chill out for a second, realize that a computer screen is not a person, that your SO wouldn't be your SO unless he was attracted to you. Also, remember for a second that while love is an exclusive affair, and sex ought to be (and generally is), sexual attraction is not. Yes, he might be sexually attracted to the girl in the picture, but his love for you is the reason why he isn't out there with her real world counterpart (or the closest local alternative).
Porn is uncomplicated (and that's not always a bad thing):
Sometimes you just want to get off. You aren't in the mood for sweet, heartfelt, bonding, sex. Or in the mood for hard, kinky, or sweaty sex. It happens. Or maybe you're exhausted and not able to give as much to your partner as they deserve. This leaves you with a few choices if you are in a relationship. You could...
-Have bad, selfish sex with your SO because you're not into it but are horny.
-Have bad, selfish sex with someone else because you're not into it but are horny.
-Watch some porn, squeeze one out, and get rid of the built up tension.
-Choke the urge down, feel rather unfulfilled, and possibly expend the energy some other way, or just feel rather irritated for a while.
Choosing option 3 is maybe not always best, but it's far from the worst. And, rationally, doesn't really harm anything. I can understand objecting if your lotion expenses start to rival the mortgage payments, if he gets carpel tunnel from it, or if you don't see him 23 hours a day. Otherwise, stressing over it is just a good way to ruin a relationship and drive yourself insane.
Good luck folks.
There is a lot of bs surrounding the issue of porn (and for that matter, infidelity).
The worst we get is the evolutionary psychobabble that says men and women have different needs (i.e. men need to act on whatever impulses they have and women need to shut up, because cavemen did it and it's in the genes). I'm not gonna start a rant about evolutionary "psychology" but any serious scientist will tell you: it's a total joke, only on par with astrology.
As a formerly moderately addicted guy I think the issue is a lot more complex. Most guys just want to explain it away and don't bother really analysing what's going on. There can be many reasons for being more or less addicted to porn, but you should never forget that if it's addiction, then it's partly the same as any addiction: it helps you temporarily escape your life and whatever problems you have.
Overall not only quitting porn was empowering (as beating any addiction can be), but it also indeed improved my sex life. Having an exceptionnally good relationship and having beaten another addiction previously was definitely very helpful.
I think for you girls who want to help your guys quit, making them feel guilty is unlikely to do the job (because if there's guilt and it's forbidden, it's even more exciting). More carrot, less stick.
Of course, if you're with the aggressive, self-righteous macho type, that won't work. But why bother hanging out with an (edit) in the first place?
Last edited by Fallen1; 05-24-2010 at 02:32 PM. Reason: Using characters to go around language filter
I'll answer to your post, only for the sake of argument and not to post against you (just so you know beforehand
Which makes me wonder why you'd plan to watch porn when you have a girlfriend. I'm only wondering out of pure curiosity, as I've read about men who'd both watch porn while having a gf and men who would not when they have one.
Are you alright with masturbating next to your partner while she does the same? If so, then I still don't see why you'd want to do it by yourself, as it's the same act. If not better when she's around. Heck, I've even stopped masturbating by myself because it's 10 times more exciting to do it when my bf does it too next to me.
It has nothing to do with insecurity. It may seem that way if you have not experienced the case where your SO spends more time with herself than with you and turns you down for sex, only to masturbate as soon as you're out the door. This is disrespectful and hurtful and nothing to do with self-confidence. You would not feel happy if you got turned down for sex every time and found out your gf spends more time with japanese porn and sex toys. It's actually the moment when your self-confidence starts going down.
I'm personally, and honestly, always ready for sex. I can guarantee you that many, many, women are too. So when my bf chooses porn over me, when I'm available 24/7, I do get quite upset. Thankfully, he has stopped watching and is much happier without it. Our sex life has also improved. Just for the record
The truth is, men who watch porn intentionally seek women who can arouse them. It's not like they just show up on the computer, they look for them. I don't understand how a person can feel totally fine with himself/herself when he makes such a choice. I'm not against porn, I liked it as single too, but not when I'm in a real relationship. To look up men who would arouse me just to get an orgasm and not save it for my SO just feels plain wrong to do (and I am not religious at all). Not just towards my SO, but also towards myself. Porn is no better in a relationship than what a cigarette is to one's health.
After the struggle I've been through with my current SO, if I ever get to be with another man I'd definitely not want him to watch porn at all. The amount of respect I have for guys who don't watch (while they are in a relationship) goes beyond limit. I bow to them. I just wish more men would see the light and not fall for the easy way out just because it's acceptable...
Take that cool awe-inspiring gf, and quit having sex with her. Say you are too tired, too stressed from work. Day after day still masturbate, still leave the porn you masturbated to on the computer... still keep telling her you just don't have the drive for sex, you're just too tired.
Lather rinse repeat that recipe for a few months and see just how cool and awe-inspiring your chick is about porn and/or your masturbation habits.
Unless she really doesn't enjoy sex with you, she would likely prefer you spend some of that sexual energy on her. I do know girls that prefer their guy masturbate to porn because they don't enjoy sex with them. And you can consider those guys "lucky"... they get to watch ALLL the porn they want as if they were single... they get about as many blow jobs as they did when they were single as well, though... so its a bit of a trade off.
I've never been against porn. I've watched it myself, I've bought it for my boyfriend and watched it with him. We have a very hot sex life... and he's never gotten a 'sorry honey, i have a headache' out of me, and we've been together for years.
I take care of my body, I dress sexy and try to provide him with visual variety. I'm sexual, I switch it up from seducing him to laying back while he seduces me. I give him lap dances, masturbate for him, anal is on the menu as well as any position, roleplay, costume, dirty talk. I give him more oral on a weekly basis than some men see in a 20 year marriage.
I have no objection to him occasionally taking some fantasy alone time, but YES I will get my feelings hurt, feel rejected and become the oh so uncool, so un awe-inspiring girlfriend when I feel like porn is getting more of his sexual attention than I am.
Thats not insecurity... thats not controlling, thats wanting to have sex with your SO... last I checked, thats really not a flaw.
Last edited by Fallen1; 05-26-2010 at 02:14 PM. Reason: Fixed quote for you ;)
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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