?about husband

**tbgirl** · 01-03-2010 10:47 PM

I have been married 14 years. We have 2 kids. Like a lot of married couples with kids, we don't have sex nearly as much as we used to. A couple of weeks ago, while putting something away in the basement, I noticed the door of his footlocker open. I went to shut it, but someting caught my eye. It was a mens mag. A gay mens mag. Pictures of naked men and men engaged in gay sex. I found 2 of those, and 5 gay porn DVD's hidden in the bottom, including 2 that had a gay B&D theme. There was also a couple of books that were for gay men's erotica writings. Needless to say I was shocked and angry.
When the kids went to bed, I immediately confronted him. He said he has had gay fantasies all of his life, but they are just fantasies. He says that only women are attractive to him, and that he doesn't find guys he sees everyday as attractive to him. I think he has always enjoyed our sex life, which is what he claims. He says that he has had regular gay fantasies since puberty, and that they have never left him during marriage. He even admitted that he can have gay fantasies about men when we have sex. He gets turned on looking at his mags or watching gay porn, he says he goes to a gay website only occasionally, but never wants to act out on them in reality. I am totally confused. He says only women are attractive to him, but his sex fantasies are almost exclusively homosexual, but that he is really a heterosexual. I believe him when he says he loves me, and he is a very good father. I don't know what to make of all of this or what to believe, especially not finding any straight porn or magazines.
I would appreciate your honest opinions on this subject

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-03-2010 10:59 PM

That would defineatly be a shock to your system.

But the first thing that "jumps" out is the fact of how open he seems to be. He didn't hide it once caught out, I imagine he didn't think you would understand as to why he kept it from you all these years, and certainly at the beginning or you wouldn't have married him I imagine.

I also note that your intuition tells you your sex life is okay, always has been... And, that he didn't say he "always" fantasises about men, when making love to you...

I guess you have to believe him and if everything is fine at home, then you have to trust him.

You can be bi-sexual, but never act on it, it remains just a fantasy but reality you couldn't handle.

How do you honestly feel about it, has he asked you how you feel about it? Now that you know?

CW

**tbgirl** · 01-03-2010 11:16 PM

I told him what I wrote in thread. I am really confused. He might be telling the truth, but could also be afraid of other realities. 1)I wonder if he is a GMSL, a gay man who is trying to lead a straight life. I think he enjoys the life we have built. 2) could his sexual orientation be gay, and he is afraid to deal with what he really is 3) If he is bi, why wouldn't he have regular fantasies also about women. As we have had less sex in recent years, he did say that his gay fantasies have increased. 4) He doesn't seem as happy as he used to be, but never knows why. Could it be as he is now in mid life, he is unhappy in a heterosexual relationship, and deep down wishes he could come out of the closet, and his homosexual orientation is conflciting big time with his current life.
These are all speculations on my part, but I have spent a lot of time trying to analyze his life. This is why I am so confused.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-03-2010 11:59 PM

4) He doesn't seem as happy as he used to be, but never knows why. Could it be as he is now in mid life, he is unhappy in a heterosexual relationship, and deep down wishes he could come out of the closet, and his homosexual orientation is conflciting big time with his current life.
These are all speculations on my part, but I have spent a lot of time trying to analyze his life. This is why I am so confused.

Without a doubt, gay men do marry for the purpose of "hiding" the truth and often they come out later in life, as they just can not live a lie anymore, they want fulfillment.

I guess, you have to seek thoughts in the "affection" area... On how, he shows, has shown it, and how he is intimate with you sexually, not to be rude, but as a man to a woman, oral sex, positions, to help with that answer.

But ultimately, if he knows that you have written this thread, then maybe, if he is hiding anything, he will have to talk more to you and he knows that, or he has nothing to fear...

I guess there, you will have to judge over the next few days after other's reply to this thread and perhaps talk it further out with him, on your questions your posing here, by posing them directly to him.

He needs to understand that he is married and as such, regardless of the reality, he owes it to you as his partner to talk about it in reality, what ever that is.

If, he has spoken the truth... Then that will be the end result and you will have to take it from there as to how you feel, if not, he "owes" you the truth.

But, my take would be to re-play in your mind the sex, positions, oral, etc.... that may help you in the meantime come to some form of further thoughts.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-04-2010 08:43 AM

To be honest, I don't see this as any different then men that have straight porn magazines and dvds and go on straight websites looking and drooling and masturbating to other women. Thats all a fantasy they don't plan to act on too, right.

So the type of thing he's fantasizing about isn't as important to me here as if he is neglecting your sexual needs in order to fullfill his own, without you, even by himself.

I'd start with working on making sure the 2 of you have a healthy and active sex life with each other, and enjoy intimacy and making each other feel good.

If he would rather fantasize than act with you more of the time. Then there is a problem regaurdless of if its straight or gay or food porn.

**rcoreyus** · 01-04-2010 11:40 AM

Fantasies are different from reality. He may fantasize about other men, but never want to do something physical with them. Many people have fantasies (rape, multiple partners, etc) that they would not enjoy in real life. Maybe he doesn't fantasize about women because he has you in reality.

OTOH, it is also possible that he is gay and hiding it (from himself as well as from you).

If you can stay calm, keep talking to him and find out what he really wants. Maybe you can do some things that will rekindle his interest in the bedroom. If he has BDSM fantasies, maybe some are things you are willing to act out with him.

In any case I think your best course is to try to learn and understand what he is really feeling - then you can decide what you want to do in the future.

**tbgirl** · 01-04-2010 12:30 PM

I have tried to really analyze this question. Would a heterosexual man, have constant gay fantasies? He obviously gets turned on watching men having sex wirth men, or looking at naked men. How can you get turned on by homosexual activity, and then claim you are straight?

**rcoreyus** · 01-04-2010 02:46 PM

If he is turned on by men, he isn't straight, but he could be Bi. As long as he is also attracted to women (eg, not gay) that's OK. Almost everyone in a relationship will find other people they are attracted to - that doesn't mean they need to act on that attraction. He can be Bi, but only sleep with you.

Society makes all sorts of judgements about sexuality and that makes people embarrassed to tell the truth. I don't think people can change who they are attracted to, but they can decide whether to act on that attraction.

**Ahryin** · 01-04-2010 03:08 PM

Ok I was a little confused but i'm back now....My question would be (to you this is) would you ever perform on your husband..aka put on a dildo and have at it? Some fantasies stay fantasies and others cross over into reality. I would worry about about what CW said where the man realizes later on in life that he wants to act on said fantasies. Also...if your husband did step out with a man would you still consider it cheating? I know it sounds like a dumb question but I know men who don't consider women sleeping with other women cheating.
I applaud you because I probably would have FREAKED! I applaud him because he didn't lie about it! I have a cousin who spent 15yrs of his life lying about his feelings for the opposite sex, even down to taking two women to prom! If you love him which i'm sure you do ...accept him for who he is. Its very hard for men especially to admit enjoying watching other men etc. I can say from experience that it is totally possible for him to enjoy and love intimacy with you completely and still have fantasies about the other side. It has NOTHING to do with you!

**danceintx** · 01-07-2010 10:34 PM

Many gay men that I have known were in marriages for 20 something years, with children. Always knowing they were attracted to the opposite sex. Yes, this could be the outcome with you and you DH. If so, what can you do about it now, other than talk to him about it? If he decides at some point he was gay, it will not be because of anything you didn't do. My best suggestion would be to ask him to get some counseling, if he thinks he needs it to sort that out.
Now, on the other hand, I am probably the most hetero woman you will ever meet. I love men, only men, have never even been the slightest bit tempted to be with another woman sexually. But I will tell you all day long Selma Hayek and Scarlett Johanson are hot. And, out of the times I have watched porn alone, I have found the porn that turns me on the most is lesbian porn. Don't know why, just does. I and can promise you I will never want to have sex with a woman.

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