Husband made sexual advances on my BFF

**Ugh&Why?** · 01-08-2010 03:23 PM

OK, so Im new here, TIA for listening, and for any thoughts and Advice.
Married for 13 years...been pretty good. 2 great children. Last few years have been tough, financially & Job wise. We got thru it ok. My Husbands a good father....an ok Husband and I always thought a good man.
Long story short our best friends who are a couple and us, when we get together have a good time. We are friendly and "lightly" flirt.
Well outta the blue my GF tells me my DH has made advances on her, and even exposed himself to her. She also said he made advances a few other times, all recently in the last few weeks, never in the last 13 years.(He always seemed like not a big fan of hers????) I confronted him, he said he thought he was just joking around nothing more, he realizes he took it too far, crossed a line and made the biggest mistake of his life. She claims it was more then a joke...he says no way. (Let me add she is prone to exaggerate and a bit of a drama queen)
I am so hurt and blown away. I never dreamed my DH would do anything like this, its so out of character. Although when these incidents have happened he had been drinking if not drunk(not that its an excuse) and we have fought about his drinking as I believe its become a problem.
He is really broken up about it all, but right now im too hurt to care. He is begging me to stay swears he will get help, go to AA etc.
I came from a family where my dad cheated and I swore I would never be with anyone who would do that and would leave them the minute they did....so my pride is telling me to run, my heart is telling me to try to work it out.
The other problem is my friend, I cant face her, I dont blame her, but for some reason im mad at her, which is irrational right? I think our friendship is doomed especially if I do stay with my husband.
What do I do?????
Thanks for listening as I have no one to talk to.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-08-2010 03:34 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

I think the problem lies in the fact that "these two friends" that you have, have created a problem in your lives.

You say "you all flirt".. Well, that being the case, it's easy to get carried away with that, if it's done openly in front of each other, as much as being done privately, because a president has been made.

Obviously he's more flirtatious when drinking and obviously he drinks too much or he wouldn't have mentioned AA.

It's never good in my opinion to allow flirtation to get carried away with, it is however great when either party can "lightly" flirt in a very mature way in front of each other.

I just gage the feeling that her flirtation was probably a little more closer to the bone, tempting him to respond... And, maybe you do too. You have to seriously look back at those nights and make that management call. I will flirt lightly but ALWAYS put my arm around my man, or kiss him on the cheek something to make him see it's just a joke, or for the other guy to see I am very happy in my relationship, it means nothing.

Have a think back.

But, I wouldn't throw things away after 13 years and if it's out of character, I would agree for him to start AA though if he has a drinking problem....

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-08-2010 03:59 PM

Flirting is lots of fun, but it can be dangerous if you aren't careful or drink. I really enjoy flirting - the sort where you haven't actually said anything, but the other person thinks they know what you mean. Its great to feel wanted - and to make the other person feel wanted - as long as you don't go too far.

Different people have different limits - different things that bother them. Your husband probably crossed a line without realizing it - maybe he was tipsy, or maybe he just didn't pick up on the clues.

I wouldn't worry too much, but he should probably find someone else to flirt with.

**sperosi** · 01-08-2010 04:27 PM

dont leave, talk to him about how it makes you feel and how he thinks things got to this point, and take a break from your friends. not enough to be ending a marriage over, but certainly enough to take a step back and regroup.

any amount of flirting over time can lead to this kind of thing. especially if it is also being done by both spouses.

**WildChild** · 01-08-2010 04:50 PM

You've fought before over his drinking, this might be a good time do something about that. You say he's a good father but an "OK" husband. Would drinking be part of the ok rather than good?

It sounds like you've had a lot of stress the last few years, many couples have, it can take a toll on the relationship. If you can why not get some help and see if this can be a catalyst to move your relationship into a better more positive plane?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-08-2010 06:38 PM

My gut has a hard time buying that out of nowhere he just whipped out his penis and showed it to her without provocation.

Even the most heavy flirting I've seen didn't involve something like that.

I'm guessing ( guessing here) maybe she teased him about size or something that would make a drunk guy think showing his penis is a good idea.

I'm not saying she's the bad guy, but that u shouldn't throw all ur support her way either in this matter.

He needs aa, he needs to assure u this won't happen again I think u guys can work this out if this is first and last time he pulls a stunt like that

**Ugh&Why?** · 01-09-2010 07:56 AM

Thank-You everybody....we have a lot of work to do. I really appreciate the comments....they all told me what I thought was right, but I didnt trust my feelings and thoughts...Thanks again!

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