Boyfriend called husband doesnt know his priorities

**SEXXYJ** · 01-10-2010 01:22 PM

Hello everyone,

i am a mother of 5 children currently working on my masters to become a probation officer. My boyfriend/husband is the father of my last 3 children. I know him for 8yrs but we've been in a relationship for 4yrs. I love him to death and i truly do feel he loves me too. He is a wonderful father and is very affectionate towards them. I love that! He always buys us what we need, but i want more than that. He has his own business which is good but the problem is he doesn't spend time with his family. He is constantly working. He comes in a 2, 3, or sometimes 4 am. I ask him to spend time with his family but he tells me has to make money to take care of his family. He refuses to get married because he says he doesn't want to go through divorce. He constantly puts his friends before his family. For example, if want to go to my mom's house i have to beg him to drive us there. Most of the time he'll tell me to take a taxi. But if his cousin or friend need a ride, we will literally run to go make it on time. Anytime i go food shopping and ask him to pick me up, he tells me, he cant. Don't get me wrong he is an honest, hard working, smart, educated man but i cannot understand why we are always put last. I've tried talking to him but he tells me he doesn't care what i think. He has to make money first. It's crazy cause i feel he is my soulmate and i can't see myself without him. We have everything in common except for priorities. Sometimes i feel like giving up and just telling him to come back when he gets his priorites straight. But i feel that he'll never come back. Please help me, i can't take it anymore, it really hurts.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-10-2010 01:49 PM

Hello SEXXJ,

You say you have everything in common, what are those things?

Do you both have any me time at home, does he at all spend at least one night with you all?

What does he do for a living that keeps him until 2am to 4am?

Sorry for the questions but you have in-deed painted a picture of a person whom, doesn't actually has no comprehension of what a family is all about, or how to treat someone whom you are attached to.

All of you are suffering, including your children.

Why do you feel money rules with him and obviously he splashes it as a compensation which isn't really what you are after...

CW

**sperosi** · 01-10-2010 01:59 PM

I feel so sorry for you. in all probability the way he is wont change or wont change very much. unless something drastic happens to open his eyes and realign his priorities, the way he is is the way he'll be. counseling might help, but i've got the impression he'd say no to that.

i've had a similar albeit less severe feeling of being last after everyone else with my SO. counseling did help some (we had other issues too), but there are still times where i am made to feel like I am just an appendage that can be done without.

you just have to decide for yourself if the good parts outweigh the parts that arent. for me, at this point in time, the good parts do outweigh the bad ones.

for now...

**SEXXYJ** · 01-10-2010 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by chandlers wish

hello sexxj,

you say you have everything in common, what are those things?

Do you both have any me time at home, does he at all spend at least one night with you all?

What does he do for a living that keeps him until 2am to 4am?

Sorry for the questions but you have in-deed painted a picture of a person whom, doesn't actually has no comprehension of what a family is all about, or how to treat someone whom you are attached to.

All of you are suffering, including your children.

Why do you feel money rules with him and obviously he splashes it as a compensation which isn't really what you are after...

Cw

ok we are both honest people, both of our fathers died when we were toddlers, we both graduated from the same college different years, we both love children, we are both giving people, we love seafood, we love watching movies, our favorite color is brown, we both love art, photography and music. I put my family first, he puts his friends first.

Sometimes he comes in early which is 9 or 10pm or sometimes he'll leave to work at 3pm and come home at 2am or 3.

He owns a clothing store which is the only clothing store in that neighborhood. We are suffering but he doesn't see that. I think maybe it comes from his childhood. When we first started, he told me his mom use to leave him and his siblings alone and go tour around with her singer boyfriend at that time. He would have to go steal to feed hisself and his siblings. Maybe he learned family wasn't important from her.

He has no idea what kind of woman he has. I take care of my childern, i dont smoke or drink, don't go to bars or clubs, i'm a fulltime student, honest, respectful, 100% faithful and want to marry him. He's the only one i want but why can't he appreciate me? Just in case you're wondering, i've never heard of him cheating and i've never caught him with any numbers or text, etc. If he is, he is really good.

**SEXXYJ** · 01-10-2010 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by sperosi

i feel so sorry for you. In all probability the way he is wont change or wont change very much. Unless something drastic happens to open his eyes and realign his priorities, the way he is is the way he'll be. Counseling might help, but i've got the impression he'd say no to that.

I've had a similar albeit less severe feeling of being last after everyone else with my so. Counseling did help some (we had other issues too), but there are still times where i am made to feel like i am just an appendage that can be done without.

You just have to decide for yourself if the good parts outweigh the parts that arent. For me, at this point in time, the good parts do outweigh the bad ones.

For now...

i have asked if we could go to counseling so could better understand what a family is supposed to be. We told me he didn't need counseling. He tells me my priorities are (EDIT) up not his. He tells me if he puts family first than who is going to pay the bills. I understand he has a lot of pressure and bills has to pay on his own but i am really fair. All i ask is for him to take 1 day off and spend it with his family. Just 1 day out of the week. He says no, he'll be losing money. And just to let you know i have threatened to leave and he tells me i'll be doing him a favor, he doesn't need me. But then days go by and he tells me not to listen to what he says, he can't live without me, i am his everything. So confusing!!! The good does outweigh the bad but family is very important to me. I feel that this is something really big and i just can't leave it alone. I feel like (EDIT) when he tells me he cant pick us up or drop us off but then runs to pick someone else up. It really hurts so bad.

**sourpuss** · 01-10-2010 03:13 PM

Just out of curiosity, why can't you drive?

**LadyDstrike** · 01-10-2010 03:18 PM

guys always have a different way of view life and priorities.. that's got to be frustrating and I admire that you're a mother of 5 kids & a fulltime student! Maybe he did get that from his mother-maybe he sees that he's not hurting you because he is paying the bills he's doing this and that. Men seem to see thru this small lil peep-hole and nothing changes that view but us women we seem to see the whole picture. idk my thoughts lol smile lady! Mediation*sp is also helpful. Have you told him the "how i feel's" instead of the blame tactic of "you dont do this you dont care's"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-10-2010 03:19 PM

I would imagine if he had to steal in order to feed himself and his siblings, then money is very important to him now and it sounds as if he fended for himself most of his life, and he is doing that now as well, fending for himself.

He never had a "concept" of what a proper marraige was, nor family. He never had that up-bringing. Some people choose to ensure they do not follow the same path of things that they didn't like as a child and some fall into the exact same pattern, as that is all they know.

You are not asking for too much. Your asking for 1 day. I would imagine that if his is the only clothing store and it was closed on Sundays everyone would turn up on Saturdays, he could not possibly be losing money.. It's the only store. Unless, tourists frequent the area.

He needs to understand that the children need him around as well, or they will not have a Father figure throughout their lives and remind him of his childhood and how that felt.

I still don't get why he is out until wee hours of the morning, he has to be socialising with his friends.

I see what you are saying, that he is basically a "batchelor" and views handing over money as looking after you. But, whilst you have so many things in common, he doesn't understand "togetherness", he only understands " standing on my own two feet".

I don't think you would mind catching a taxi, if you had him around more to laugh with and hold...

Maybe it's the way your telling the story to him... that makes him "think" that his answers you will have to accept.

Maybe if you outline as above, he will see clearer.

5 children is a lot to bring up by yourself and 3 of those are his, he has to realise what he is doing by neglecting those children and you have to remind him of how he felt as a child I think.

If that doesn't open his eyes just a little to compromise, just a little, then I am afraid no matter what you have in common, there is no compromise and he will not change and you will have to decide what to do from there.

With 5 children as well, you would be home all the time pretty much at present and that may also contribute to how you feel, as you are tending to a household of children 7 days a week on your own.

Point these things out again.

Good luck sweet.

CW

**SEXXYJ** · 01-10-2010 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

just out of curiosity, why can't you drive?

well he always has the car and i don't have my own. He keeps saying he's going to buy me a car. That's one of the first things i'm going to do when i start working.

**SEXXYJ** · 01-10-2010 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by ladydstrike

guys always have a different way of view life and priorities.. That's got to be frustrating and i admire that you're a mother of 5 kids & a fulltime student! Maybe he did get that from his mother-maybe he sees that he's not hurting you because he is paying the bills he's doing this and that. Men seem to see thru this small lil peep-hole and nothing changes that view but us women we seem to see the whole picture. Idk my thoughts lol smile lady! Mediation*sp is also helpful. Have you told him the "how i feel's" instead of the blame tactic of "you dont do this you dont care's"

thank you...
I definately do tell him. I constantly tell him that it really hurts when he treats me the way he does.i he just doesn't care.