I would like to hear your opinion...

**juicyfruit** · 01-11-2010 08:35 AM

I've been trying to search for answers to my problem. I've got many results yet I still feel like I need others perspective on how to handle my marriage... I have been married for over two years and with him for six. We always had relationship based on trust, honesty, love until now. For a year now I have notice that my husband watches online porn. I had asked him questions before why but of course he didn't have anything to say. I have told him it bothers me, especially that I've always told him, I'm open to new things. I would like to try different things in bed. I would like to watch porn with him and I never refused him. I actually apologized to him for being always in the mood. I feel guilty and wish I could tell him no, to stop him, to turn him down for a change. he tries to hide the fact that he is watching porn but yet I'm still able to find out that he is. I try to make excuses for him, for example, that sometimes he is tired and doesn't want to work after work so he does it to relieve stress. That it is normal for men to do so but yet it still bothers me. Every time we have sex now I wonder if he is making love to me or somebody of the porn movie. I hate it but I don't know how to handle it. It makes me angry, he makes me mad because he does it. Every time I'm at work I often think he is taking care of himself instead waiting for me, planning our time together. When we have sex, it seems it is always the same, same moves, same way. When I try to move his arm to certain areas, or I ask him to kiss me he tells me, don't tell me what to do. I'm getting frustrated and he is not telling me much, I'm really confused at this time and wondering if this will pass. He is 32 and I'm 29, before we have kids I would like to explore little bit more my sexual life as also enjoy my marriage, my relationship and him.

**deepgrl** · 01-11-2010 09:43 AM

Well, it sounds like you aren't too happy. I had sort of the same thing happen with my husband. I noticed he was watching internet porn and it really bothered me. I was thinking to myself that yes i am pretty but I can't compare to those women. And what if he compares me to them when we are having sex, just the thought makes me want to hide my body away.

So I confronted him on it and I had attitude for sure because I was hurt so he of course put up a wall and didn't want to be told what to do. It seemed the more I brought it up and showed that I didn't want him doint it, the more it happened. So I tried a different approach. I decided to be the one to start spontaneous sex instead of waiting for him or asking him to do it. I took the time to make myself feel sexy because I had neglected this since I have 2 kids under 18months old. I then tried being the more dominate one, and I noticed that when I felt sexy I brought more to the table in the bedroom. And doing this also got him to spice things up as well.
He does not watch internet porn anymore when I'm available, not by himself anyway.

I hope this helps. And enjoy as many things as possible before you have kids becuase it will be delayed for awhile after.

**caterpillar79** · 01-11-2010 08:51 PM

Have you communicated to him how you feel about his porn activities recently, and how it affects you?

If not, do so. Since you said that your relationship is based on honesty, trust, and love, maybe he'd accommodate a few tweaks here and there to let you in.

I am in no way comfortable with porn nor strip joints, and my husband knows that before we headed for marriage. I have set my boundaries, and will not retract.

Have you? If not, it is not too late to let it known. Tell him how he can show you the respect that you deserve. He cannot read your mind, and neither can you.

I personally watched porn online, and told my husband about it - just to see what it does to me. It did not do me what I expected - I want the real thing, so I don't bother, but I am a woman. Men are visual, hence they resort to porn - the lazy way to get off.

May I ask how physically fit are you both? (You may choose not to answer).

**rcoreyus** · 01-11-2010 10:37 PM

Several things:

Does he ever turn you down for sex, but still watch porn? If so, that is (to me) a sign of a real problem if he is preferring porn to a real woman.

You say you would like to watch porn with him - have you?

What sort of porn does he watch? (if you know).

Actually I'm more concerned about his not doing what you would like in bed more than I'm worried about the porn. Any idea why he doesn't want to do what you suggest. I would love it if my wife would give me more ideas of things to do for her.

Please don't have kids until you are absolutely sure about the rest of the relationship.

**kira** · 01-12-2010 12:53 AM

It could be a problem if he's frequently using himself up watching porn when he could have sex with you. Otherwise I don't see the concern. I watch porn. My husband watches porn. Sometimes we will have sex everyday and still watch porn. Not usually together since we like different things or when we're together we might as well make it physical rather than watching the computer screen.

I think the fact he isn't trying anything during sex is a different issue. He sounds either self conscious or controlling if he's not open for suggestions about female anatomy. Sit him down, tell him this is boring and not working, and tell him you both need to work together to make sex more interesting for him as well as you. If he's open for suggestion right away you can mention some of the things you tried to tell him while you were having sex. If not then just leave him to simmer for awhile and hopefully he will be more open to the conversation after he thinks about it.

No one having issues like that in a relationship should be thinking about kids. What if you never solve these issues and turn out to be sexual incompatible? What if the problems around sex are only the beginning and spread to cover all areas of your relationship? You have no idea what the future holds so until everything in the relationship seems perfect and you have developed good communication to work through issues that will come up in the future I would not think about kids.

**juicyfruit** · 01-12-2010 07:37 AM

Thank you for for all the information, it helps me to understand him little bit better but when it comes to talking I tried so many times, different ways of saying how I feel. Every time I talk to him it seems he reaches out to online porn or whatever else sexual online. I almost feel he does that as on escape to me being me. I would not mind him watching porn but I'm afraid he will get addicted to it. I have problem trusting him now and I don't now what to do.

**caterpillar79** · 01-12-2010 07:44 AM

You have to put your foot down and call him out on this one before it gets out of hand. Your happiness, and the health of your union is at stake - take action.

**WildChild** · 01-12-2010 08:08 AM

I can relate, not married or living together. But it went from passionate. loving, and amazing, to just having porn sex, no actual intimacy, just sex essentially doing just like on the screen and that did involve him not wanting to kiss or have any foreplay or input from me. Then it went to less and less sex, to sex only with a condom because he was sore, to no sex at all, because he's masterbated himself just about raw. At least you aren't dealing with a situation on that scale yet.

I knew he had some "issues" and baggage to work through and was willing to give him room to do it. I think what I really did was give him enough rope to hang himself. (I don't worry about him being with other women LOL) I've spent some time thinking about this. Oh boy have I! This is intimacy and commitment avoidance on a major scale. But it's also truly turning masterbation into a form of self abuse.

It sounds like you two are about where we were a year ago. All I can say is, nip it now! If you have insurance, insist he get into counseling and you go even if he won't. If you don't have insurance you'll have to rely on your own ability to talk with him and that can be hard to do when a man has just dug his heels in and put up the walls. Please Don't think of having children with this man, buying a house with him, or even buying a car in both your names until this is resolved. You don't want to get anymore entangled than you already are until he shows you that he can move past this and treat you with the love, care and passion you deserve.
Good Luck sweetie, I feel for you.