text messaging / affairs

**Losingit361** · 01-12-2010 12:54 PM

I just want to start out by saying that it is nice to find out I am not alone...But then it is...My husband has had several affairs over the last 20 years. Some physical and some emotional. I am still not sure why he is still with me...I have stayed for my children. Although, lately I'm wishing I hadn't stayed. Then I wouldn't be going thru all of this yet again.

I should have known before we got married that he couldn't be faithful. He got a taste of it...and has never stopped. About 10 years ago when I found out about his "affair" they were REALLY serious. I thought for sure it was over...but he wanted to work it out due to the instance of his parents...."for the kids"...

Then he went awhile...so I thought with nothing going on...finding out that he had been involved with a very good friend of mine. He said it was just innocent texting, but I read the text messages and it was way more serious!

So, I knew it had to be more. Plus she had invited him to go out of town with her and talked about all she could think about was them lying in bed together...WTH?? Well, no joke the same day I saw all this...who do I run into at the GROCERY STORE...but my so called friend.

She actually had the nerve to come up and ask how I was doing...I told her if shewasn't(EDIT) king around with my husband I would be a whole lot better. She freaked. I know she immediately got on the phone and called my husband. Cuz he was freaked when I got home.

She was married to his best friend!! I threatened to tell the husband, but I knew that if I did, he would have killed him! Anyway...he ended it, and we haven't had contact with the family since.

My kids were so upset with my husband. I know that there have been other emotional affairs over the years...but, I'm tired of it. He is constantly texting or on the phone....Right in front of us too. Even his own mother!!

My son is 18 fixing to go off to college and my daughter has already told me she feels like my husband cares more about his girlfriends more than he does us. She named another one of my supposed friends that she knew my husband had been texting and she had even seen some of the messages...CRAZY!!

Lately, all he talks about is this nurse that he is friends with from work. He is ALWAYS texting her...24/7...I've seen the phone bill. Just so happens I went to HS with her, so I thought well I'll make her a friend on Facebook and see if she happens to post anything incriminating....

Well, back in December she makes some comment about being "involved with married men, whose divorces are pending but the wife is not aware" lol : ) ....I nearly lost it! Then, she is constantly telling my husband what I post on facebook and who my friends are.

He actually got upset because I had my very 1st boyfriend from the 6th grade as a friend (btw I hadn't even spoken to him as of yet, we just added each other as friends)...After Thanksgiving, she gave him and expensive watch (he said it was from a group of nurses who felt sorry for him because his watch broke), then for Xmas he gets a huge bag of all his favorite snacks...at least $50 worth...

So the other day I'm in his car and I smell something different, so I start looking around...what do I find...A BRAND NEW bottle of RL Polo cologne!! WTF!!!

So anyway, I decide to block her from seeing my post on FB and she tells my husband. So he tells me to unfriend her if I'm going to be a (edit) about it...then he begins to tell me how nothing is going on and that they are just really good friends. Gosh, sure wish I had a friend like that!!

Anyway I told him about the message on FB what I saw and I guess he told her because her excuse was she was talking about someone else...Well what a hoe! She's messing with TWO married men?? Anyway, my daughter is mad because he contronted me about all this while she had a friend over. It's a huge mess and I'm tired....What do ya'll think

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-12-2010 01:58 PM

Losingit361, because you posed a personal question, I've moved your thread to your own thread and will let you know on your homepage as well.

Unfortunately 20 years of letting him has given him the green card to just continue, but obviously to squash some of them, when they get out of hand, that being you finding out more.

It's also been difficult for you as his Mother stated " for the children", and so he has also thrown it back in her face, yep, what? I'm here, for the children, and still doing it, that's what you said Ma.....

What about you?
What about your children?

You have stayed for your children but as you can clearly see, they have noted all and in addition don't feel that he has ever stayed for them, they haven't felt that he's been a proper Father figure to them, they have stated that.

We live once, and in my opinion, he's used and abused you enough and it's time to let go and tell him where to go.

What is hard is to believe that there is actually a better life out there for you, one whereby a man won't cheat on you, rather love you. But ,don't you deserve that after all of this? I think so.

Your husband has no respect. Your daughter got embarrased. You were belittled for something he did, not something you did.

What do I think? Get him out of the house and tell him he can go off and play Nurses and Doctors now, on his own

Your living your life finally... Change the locks.. Your children don't need him anymore in their lives, they are young Adults you don't have to do anything anymore, it's your life now.

CW

**sourpuss** · 01-12-2010 02:09 PM

What CW said.

**BostonMom** · 01-13-2010 06:41 AM

he should not be texting or calling any women period!!!!! After all you went thru over the years??/ Take his phone and make him delete their #s right infront of you or tell him to leave!!! Your kids are older now, stand up for yourself!!!! He is living like a single guy! I made my husband delete his 2 ex's phone #s right infront of me, then I blocked their numbers from his cell so THEY cant call him either!!! he swore on our children he will never call them again....and I check his bill to make sure....maybe as time passes I wont have to check anymore....

**sperosi** · 01-14-2010 02:35 AM

i am not sure deleting #s or blocking #s is really the way to go. it is like treating the symptom and ignoring the disease. he'll just find some other way to stay in touch, and it may be something more devious or much more intimate.

say what you have to say to him and dont waffle about it. discuss the issue, not the symptoms. be firm but not "nagging". remind him of the bad example he is setting for his daughter, and that she'll believe that its ok to mess around with married men if she sees someone messing around with him, and is that what he really wants for her.

**caterpillar79** · 01-15-2010 08:47 AM

I feel for you. What he did (or is still doing) is emotional affair - cheating and who knows up to what extent, right?

You should stand for yourself, especially now that your kids are grown up and they are even aware of it.

Sit him down and agree on boundaries if you were to work things out with him. You are the one aggravated, you set the rules. But looks to me like he no longer wants to. As hard as it gets, set him free and rid yourself of all this burden. Take the time to heal.

I don't think making him delete the numbers, etc...would stop him if he really wants to keep in touch. And by doing so, you are acting like his mom. He is an adult, and must be responsible of his actions and be ready to face the repercussions of such action in whatever form.

You deserve love, respect and loyalty in this union.

**GoodEgg** · 01-15-2010 11:03 AM

The advice above says it all. I just wanted to offer my support and say I'm sorry you are having to go through such a tough time. You definitely deserve so much more!

**caterpillar79** · 01-15-2010 11:06 AM

In addition to what I said earlier...

I strongly believe that he's weighed all the consequences before he acted upon the "thought".

And by him doing it in your face is him telling you, "I am bailing out".

Cut him loose.

I feel for you, i really do.

**manspoint** · 01-20-2010 11:31 PM

I feel very sorry for you too. Having said that I have done similar (due to a non-loving relationship) but eventually I left because of seeing the hurt that ALL were going thru..Me, wife, children, extended family, friends, everyone hurts.
IMO he is waiting for you to kick him out because he hasn't got the balls to leave you and your children. Do him and yourself a favour and close this chapter of your life. It will be hard and painful at first but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Ask yourself, do you want to live like this for rest of your life?

Hope you come through this and find true happiness.

**Losingit361** · 01-28-2010 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by manspoint

I feel very sorry for you too. Having said that I have done similar (due to a non-loving relationship) but eventually I left because of seeing the hurt that ALL were going thru..Me, wife, children, extended family, friends, everyone hurts.
IMO he is waiting for you to kick him out because he hasn't got the balls to leave you and your children. Do him and yourself a favour and close this chapter of your life. It will be hard and painful at first but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Ask yourself, do you want to live like this for rest of your life?

Hope you come through this and find true happiness.

UPDATE: This past Saturday, he left. He found some old bills, and got all mad saying that he had, had all he could take and that it was just to much. Never mentioned his infidelity (of course not)..He said that I could have the house and he packed up all his stuff...grabbed the money he had hidden in the garage...jumped in his truck...called his female "friend" and went to her house. I saw his phone log..she is the only call for hours and, later that afternoon. I saw his truck parked in front of her house...(took a pic, love the camera on my phone)...to make sure, next day...checked again, same thing.

Noticed all the calls to her had pretty much ended unless he was a work...On Sunday, his parents needed to borrow our truck, and he was talked in to going with them to pick up some furniture. At that point, I guess he told them that he had left because he was tired of me not keeping up with the bills (which was funny because he would always say he was going to start taking care of them, and never would). Great excuse huh....But he did not tell them where he was staying, or that he had another woman...My FIL asked my son if he knew where he was staying...(he Knew)but told him he didn't...My daughter though, when asked by my MIL told her that he was staying with a nurse that he was always talking about....my daughter said my MIL made a face but didn't say anything.

I do know that he hasn't talked to his parents since then. He has talked to his sister very little and BIL alittle. The kids...my daughter has had alittle contact, but my son...he has barely contacted...It's sooo sad..My kids say they don't care. And they kinda act like they don't. It's MUCH calmer at the house, that's for sure. I was really hoping that my relationship with my inlaws would not end, but I have a feeling it will... or be very different. Who am I kidding...it will! They have always thought their baby boy was perfect.

Sooo, that's where I am at today. Haven't heard from him or seen him in almost 2 days. I know in the end it will all work out...I won't take him back this time, but why does he have to be such a wuss. If your not happy, just say so and BAH...I don't want a man around who doesn't want to be around.

If I didn't have access to his phone or know he's texted my daughter, I would swear he's fallen off the face of the earth...How do you just walk out on your family...for an older woman..who from what I have been told is not as pretty...

Thank you for your responses and advice...much appreciated and if you have more it will be even better.