Is my marriage really over? Is he going to be with her?

**CK001** · 01-17-2010 08:20 PM

I have been married for 12 years and have a 4 yr old and 6 yr old. In the beginning of December, my husband said he wanted more sex. I had my second hip surgery in 2 years and was in substancial pain, so I looked at him like he had two heads.

Over the past four years, my sex drive has been dewindling down to nothing...but I just thought it was a "low time" because of the young kids, a terrible job (which I had since left) and my hip problems. With that did come a break down in intimacy. We never fight - we are caring parents - but in my mind there just didn't seem to be enough time in the day for intimancy.

And the thing I am most ashamed to admit, I moved into the guest bedroom years ago. My husband snored so loud and it got worse over the years, and he was constantly getting up to go to the bathroom. And as a light sleeper, it was constantly waking me up. At that time, I was 8 months pregnant with out first and got fed up with not sleeping and went to the guest room. And I had a warm blanket (he hates being warm when he sleeps) and slept so peacefully, that I stayed there.

A couple of days later we were suppose to go on our first "date night" in a long time, but I ended up having to work and he went to poker night. I sent him an email and stated that I really wished I was working and that I was out with him. But fate hasn't been nice to me. But I could either be angry or content and I have choosen to be content. What did he want to do?

The next day he said he has choosen to separate. He though I was happier when I was by myself and that he needed someone who really cared about him (I tend to isolate myself instead of getting angry) I was in absolute shock. Granted, it wasn't a great marriage, but was it really so bad? I asked him to do marriage counsiling, but he refused to go saying he just wasn't sure about talking to strangers. So I went out and got books on Rekindling Romance and Marriage, and boy was it eye opening. I learned a lot about my self and about our marriage. We really had been two people raising kids together, we had good times as a married couple, but they seemed fewer and fewer (granted, I had TWO HIP SURGURIES recently, so I feel a little angry that he thinks it's all my fault...I even tried to talk to him about how depressed I felt about the surgery and he just said there's nothing to worry about and walked away, so he added to my feeling of isolation) I learned how to open up and prioritize my life - still lots of work to do, but I felt I was going in the right direction.

Over the next few weeks, he still talked about leaving and I still tryed to show him I was willing to change. I was trying to open up and talk to him - I did not want to repeat the mistakes we had been making of not opening up to each other. But he said he was too angry at me to talk.

I asked him if I could sleep in the same bed again (he has gotten a sleep apeana machine a few months ago and it's actually not bad sound), he said no. Later, I said I wished we could have sex again, he said he was angry that I didn't want it for years, and now all of a sudden I did. I said it was all the books I was reading, it really helped me get in touch with my feelings again.

I did write in a journal during this time. Early on in this process, I just started to write about how angry I was and suddenly I was ing about everything...he's too fat, he's too lazy, he never helps out, he thinks he's a great dad but he's not the one do does all the parenting "chores." Etc...etc. Vicious stuff, but I did feel better after I wrote it. He finds my journal (he said I lef it out) and reads it and now he's really angry with me. How could he want to be with someone who thinks he's too fat? I said I was just venting my anger and it didn't mean anything. He can't believe me.

So I keep trying to make him believe me that I agree our marriage needs to change, but everything I do just makes him angrier. I book us a romantic inn for Valentines Day and print a beautiful invitation as a Christmas gift, plus give him two mix-cds of "I'm Sorry Songs" and "I Love You Songs." No reaction, in fact, they are still sitting on his desk where he threw them Christmas morning.

Over and over, he has said he can't believe I am trying so hard as I can't possibly want this marriage, and it's just an act because I'm afraid to be divorced. And he has also said he's not sure about divorce, he just knows he needs out. A few days after Christmas, he did mention that I've given him things to think about, he just never thought I would react this way.

After the holidays, he goes to see a lawyer, so I do the same. Now we are starting the separation process and he has rented a townhouse and started to furnish it. We are telling the kids he is moving out end of January (2 weeks).

I have since learned that he has started fooling around with a woman he works with. They have worked together for 9 years - it's a very small company and they both work out of their homes, very flexible schedules too. My kids have been to her house! I heard him say things like lets have a "naked super bowl party" (I hate football) and really immature things. I thought, this is a mid-life crisis. But why would it have to be with someone he works with so closely, he can't break it up easily with her.

But his affair totally made sense - his unwillingness to go to counciling, his unwillingness to talk to me, his anger at me for trying to change. He was angry that I wasn't letting him off the hook so easily.

Then I heard him say late at night "I miss you and love you too" on the phone.

My first reaction was to hire an investigator and nab him for adultry. He should pay for being unfaithful. But I am torn, if I back him into a corner and prove his adultry, I might push him away more. And I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I still want him back. And I feel guilty - I pushed him to this.

So tonight, I told him I understood why he had to leave and that in the long run it was the right thing to do for our relationship. We both needed time and space, but if the past two months of pain and crying has proved nothing else, it was that I loved him and was willing to wait for him as long as it took.

But part of me just knows it's over. And that part of me can't let him get away with adultry.

It's really over, isn't it?

Sorry I wrote so much, but it seems to be a healing process for me to express myself this way.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-17-2010 09:13 PM

I think it's great that your finding yourself and getting back in tune with yourself.

I know what injuries are like and hey they way on someone's life.

I think if you were to "think" back, 4yrs is a long time to just live together, as parents for your children, off course at some point it's going to run into trouble and sometimes, it's too late.

I know that he has probably committed Adlutry but you also know that he lived in and you too, a pretty much loveless marriage for years.

Let him go and don't sit back and wait for him, but if he sees that what he was missing can be had from you, eventually, for you both being happy talking nicely together, over time it may be able to be rekindled, after all, you've been together along time.

But, please also keep reading and concentrate on YOU... And, what you want out of life as well, there is no point to sit there and suffer through pain, rather, take this opportunity for yourself to grow as well.

I'm so sorry for what your going through but I'm pleased that you can see both sides here.

It's a mixture of faults don't put it all upon yourself because he could have spoken 3yrs ago.

Concentrate on being able to communicate what you really want in life, to love yourself and to find ways to build yourself over these operations.

If you feel depressed, please seek a Doctor for advice as well.

CW

**Texasred** · 01-17-2010 11:07 PM

Odd to read this, as I'm sitting here in the guest bedroom - because my wife thinks I snore too loud...
She hasn't gone to the trouble of reading any books, and it's been a lot longer than 4 years since we've been intimate on a regular basis.

And I am NOT fat, nor lazy, nor even such a bad father. I am pretty fed up with being not much more than the meal ticket around here though!

**jnd2009** · 01-17-2010 11:49 PM

I think you two should try to talk. I'm not saying it will work out- but obviously you guys have differences, and arguments. Fighting on here, in my opinion, won't get you anywhere. All I'm saying is whether or not it works out between you both, I think you should at least try to meet at some level and keep decent communication open for your two little ones. Whether or not mom or dad is the better caregiver, having mommy and daddy in their lives is better than only one or none- whether or not they are together or have moved onto someone else.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-18-2010 01:08 AM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand that you have been trying to save your marriage but it sounds like that didn't start until after he asked for the seperation.... so it just might be that there is no more that you can do. I don't say all hope is lost, but agree with CW that you just kind of have to focus on yourself for now and how you plan on moving forward if he does not return.

But you have to ask yourself what your idea of a happy healthy marriage is, and if you think that could be had with him anyway. His idea of marriage may not have been the same as yours, thats not saying yours is wrong or bad, just different.

For a lot of people it would be very painful to have their spouse move into another bedroom because of something they had no control over like their snoring...but I think that one could be worked out if their was still intimacy just different sleeping spots. But subtract sex, subtract sharing a bed and theres really not any intimacy at all to lean on.

Some couples go through rough patches without sex but maintain closeness through holding each other at night, but the physical seperation between the two of you was bound to take its toll.

It sounds like this other woman probably made him feel wanted. That does not excuse him having an affair AT ALL. But after reading your words on how you felt about his body, his usefulness etc... I am sure his confidence was mighty bruised.

I am not trying to make it sound like I feel this is all your fault... I am just trying to figure out what part of the marriage you are trying to save. Obviously its important to have him there with you and the kids, and I'm sure after being together so long there is comfort to it as well...

But did you ever really enjoy your marriage? What would be your idea of a happy one? Those would be things for you guys to discuss. From your words it sounds like he wanted more closeness and you wanted more distance and so you were both pushing in opposite directions.

**arabellafigg** · 01-18-2010 03:05 AM

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time. It seems to me that your begining to change, and he has already moved on. My SO and i live about an hour away because he has to work (and it's only been six months). He usually comes round at the weekend, or i go to him, and then once in the week. But if he is working nights or something, it's sometimes only one weekend night and i think that it isn't enough and even though i know he is working, or sleeping, the un-rational part of me thinks that he doesn't care, or isn't interested. So i can see why your husband has come to these conclusions. I hope that you will move on and find happiness with someone else. Good luck.

**sperosi** · 01-18-2010 06:43 AM

I am so sorry. but reading this post and one of your previous posts tells me that the marriage has been over for awhile. yes you have been married and shared a house, but the intimacy is long gone.

i understand your anger and want to get him dinged for adultery, etc. but to cause more bad blood between the two of you wont make it any better. being the child of divorced parents i can tell you that all of the fighting never really hurt my mom or dad, it just ended up hurting me and my sibling. we were the "collateral damage" in their divorce.

you need to take the high road and do what is right for you and your children, and even for your husband.

not what feels like payback.

**CK001** · 01-18-2010 01:12 PM

Texasred -

Have you told your wife how you feel?

I really think I wasn't happy, but I tend to shy away from problems instead of facing them. I wish my husband would have talked to me years ago and told me how he felt so we could have tried to fix them before it got to this point. But instead, he stopped talking and I retreated.

And don't say it like "I want more sex" because that didn't work for me. State I wish we could get our relationship back. I miss spending time with you. I miss you.

That's all it would take, or at least, for me that's all it would have taken...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-18-2010 01:20 PM

If two people "can not" communicate at all, one retreats the other doesn't speak, then you have no foundation to work with.

He stopped talking.
You retreated.

Nothing to work with and no individual blame, you both drifted ....

I believe that "nothing is impossible", but beg, steal or borrow, isn't the solution either, you need to work on what went wrong on your side, with you, for you, for now, for the future, be it with him or someone else.

He needs to do the same.

You never, say never... But, the only person to concentrate on at this point in time is you, and off course your children.

CW

**the wench** · 01-18-2010 01:25 PM

ck001 and texasred.....
you both seem to have very similar situations going on but opposite way around....maybe the best thing you could both do is chat privtely and maybe help each other out!
you can both see situations from the other sexes point of view and could offer the help and understanding this situation needs.
wishing you both well with the future!