It's complicated, untouched for 15 of last 35 yrs

**hasnotears** · 01-21-2010 12:23 AM

I'm isolated in a rural area. My mother and father are both deceased. I have a brother and 2 sisters but only see them once a year. I've been married for 35 yrs. I was the main breadwinner in our early marriage. After 7 years, I insisted that he work. We have no children. We are both recovering alcoholics. 15 years ago my husband lost his leg. And ladies, when they cut that leg off...they cut off his 'third' leg and any masculinity he had. Since he had an amputated leg, he told himself that he was permanently disabled(along with his 4 whacko sisters) and has been on disability benefits since. About a year into his disability, we were forced to sell our home and moved way out in the boondocks where his mother, brothers, and 2 sisters live. I didn't like the idea as his family and I have never been close. In fact, I feel they have tried to sabotage our marriage. At least in the early years. Of course, NOW he needs his wife to take care of him. I am nurse, housekeeper, cook, plumber, mechanic, etc. and you can add moneymaker to the list too. OK. It's been 15 miserable years of isolation, no friends, no sex, not a peck on the cheek, a handshake, hug or even one "I love you". I feel empty inside. I haven't cried in over 10 years, at my mother's funeral. I can't cry, I'm unable. You will probably say, so leave. I have nowhere to go. I don't make enough to rent an apt, pay utilities, make a car payment etc. I have suggested many times that we separate, sell this home, split the profits and move on each our separate way. He has alot of family he could move in with. But he won't do that. It's like he wants to keep me locked in this . I have become so depressed. I have gained 50 pounds. What difference does it make, my husband of 30+ years doesn't look at me or touch me. But he was all hugs and kisses recently at his sister's funeral. I could not believe it. Old gals like me, chubby, skinny, toothless...whatever...that he hadn't seen for years, they were all hugged up. Of course, when his elderly mother collapsed at the sight of her daughter in the coffin...it was old tough as nails me that was at her side. He wouldn't even let me comfort him when he lost his sister. He refuses to see a therapist. I am pushing 60, in the twilight of my years, with some of my own health problems and I don't want to die an old lady unloved. Any suggestions??

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-21-2010 12:37 AM

You have just described a miserable exsistence. Even if you lost out on the half profit of the home, it would be worth it even finding some studio apt or rental trailer. You might have to tighten your belt and put some aside for a bit, but since you are the breadwinner... you will have more money when you aren't supporting him anymore.

Even if you didn't find prince charming and fall in love after leaving him... you'd be able to find a way to love yourself and enjoy life again... and that would make being open to finding love a whole lot more easy.

Not a hug in in 15 years? Do not beat yourself up over time you feel has been wasted in a loveless marriage... just don't wait another 15 years of being miserable before mulling this notion over again.

Life is now, you're living it now.... its all we have. Yes you married him, yes you promised to love him in good times and bad and you have done that , he hasn't. 15 years is more than enough time to show someone that you did not run off and leave the second the going got tough.

Even if you don't leave him... PLEASE start living your life. Go for walks, join a book club, take a class on something you've always wanted to learn. Take up belly dancing. Do SOMETHING... that puts a smile on your face... please!

You are living in misery and have been doing so for too long, today , right now... you can do something for yourself, be it small or big... but do it for you. If he won't love you, tears... you have to love yourself.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-21-2010 01:31 AM

I'm speachless, I thought 7 and a half years in a loveless marriage was the pits, at 46 starting over again, but at 60?

It's natural that your mind which is a powerful thing just went with the flow until one day it couldn't/can't do it anymore, that is why your reaching out now.. You have come to the crossroads of no more.

That's a very, very, good start.

I agree wholeheartedly with Hopeless Dork's thoughts and our thoughts are with you.

Don't waste another year..

I had no where to go, no money and I made it and I have my own house and a new man, after 2yrs and 8 months, it's my life, my destiny and so should it be yours.

Start small, with your changes so you can adjust and get used to them but please, START!

CW

**sourpuss** · 01-21-2010 11:55 AM

HD said it all. Start today living for you. Can you start a plan of leaving at least? Open a separate savings account and put in a little each month? You could save up enough to get an apartment and get on your feet.

**WildChild** · 01-21-2010 12:08 PM

Geez I thought I'd been miserable, you put that into perspective.
How is it you can support him but not yourself? I don't know what your states laws are but usually if you file, he doesn't have a choice. This may be a bad time to sell but you should get half. Get out, reclaim your life! I bet an efficency apt in the city would seem like heaven, you can walk everywhere, there places to go ,things to do, many are free. You could just breath free.

**sperosi** · 01-21-2010 12:23 PM

i know its hard to leave. but i am surprised that you have hung in there for so long.

you do need to do whatever you can to get out. i know you say you have nowhere else to go. but i suggest that you might be happier living in an old car anywhere else, than right where you are now.

at least you'd feel you would making your own choices and decisions based on whats best for you.

**the wench** · 01-21-2010 01:24 PM

is there any womens shelters or refuges near you?
try speaking to a doctor who can help with the depression of the way your life has went and im sure they could also offer you the direction you will need and who you can get help from to get you free from this awful situation.
only you can get the ball rolling on how this pans out.
i wish you the very best of luck getting YOUR life back!

**hasnotears** · 01-21-2010 01:27 PM

Thank you all...I have been so depressed and felt so alone that I just gave up on my life. I'm still not outta the woods by any means but just hearing from you has embolded my spirit. I e-mailed a copy of my post and your replies to my sister in Houston. It's about 1,000 miles from here and sooooo warm in the winter. Anyhow, she said she knew I was miserable but she'd had some trials herself. Her son(age 45) had cancer and he has been living with her for the last 2 years. Well, he did the chemo, radiation, etc and has been declared cancer free!! So, she wants him out of her home. She's been single for as long as I've been married. She says that she's going to start looking for my nephew a place and when she has him out, I am most welcome to move in! It might not be until sometime this summer but I feel such a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, 6 months will be like a cake-walk

She told me that since we are so alike, we both love antiques and dolls, it has been a life-long dream of hers to open a little shop. Can it be true?? To live with my beloved sister(a breast cancer survivor, by the way), get away from this behemoth monster, let him keep this place...and move to Houston where I'll be half owner of a unique antique and doll shop??!!! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! Well, I hope and pray that all that happens. But just to know someone cares...and all the words of wisdom from you women...I'm getting all choked up. I am going to get my cardio-glide exercise machine out of the garage right now, dust her off and start getting ready for the rest of my life. Even if my sister has to keep her son with her(her conscience might get her) I plan to move to Texas and spend the rest of my time on earth helping other women, including myself, overcome the pain that one bad decision has cost. Don't marry the LOSER in the first place and put up with crappolla for 365 days...if he don't change...bye-bye!

**WildChild** · 01-21-2010 01:40 PM

Good for you!!
Often times we have everything we need to help ourselves but we just can't see it until we know someone cares and we get some affirmation. We are always here for you and please keep us posted on your progress and join in on some of the fun here too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-21-2010 01:49 PM

Ahhh, what a beautiful post, truly.

I am excited. There is always a way, as you have now noted and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, now you have found it.

6 months will go so fast, trust me, so start dreaming, planning, living, and becoming you, by the time you move, you'll be exactly who you've always wanted to be and then some.

Thank you so much for coming back and letting us know and giving off such vibrance of the new you.

We hope that you do as WC said, also come back and keep up-dating us, and sharing with us.

CW