Thread: grrrr!!! im driving myself nuts!

ok here my thoughts, this is only my thoughts & i'm sure their r different opinions.
he is gonna look at women....clothed or naked. i promise u that even in public with u he looks at girl & probably thinks those things u read. it's a guy thing, he is gonna do it whether u try to stop him or not. & alot of guys talk like that, most of the time they only talk like that with in a group of males & no females. wat i do is go with it not against it. a few examples:
my hubby will c a hot girl, i don't get onto him for saying so, in fact i join in & tell him wat i think is pretty about her (i'm not into women, but i do acknowledge beauty). & sometime we even get into jokes about the whole thing. i remind myself that he does love me & that he is always gonna look. i figure he can look & comment. it is much better than him touching. he can look but not touch.
an example of the way he is talking:
my husband is in the air force. wen i first went into the unit he worked at, i walked in with him & all of the sudden things went silent as more men started to notice me. u could tell that they were all having convos but 90% them stopped talking & didn't pick the convo back up. the only ones who continued were the airman talking about actual work & aircraft. it took a few visits b4 they realized they could relax around me & to start talking like they would if i wasn't around. they soon realized that i had a fouler mouth than most of them & that i have the mind of a perverted male lol. they saw that i could keep up with them & their dirty judges & talk of girls & all their "parts". this is how they normally act wen women r not around. it really isn't unusual for a male to talk like that, i hear it come out of men's mouths all the time.
but i would also so that if it bothers u that bad that he looks at other girls, u may want to have a sit down & calmly tell him y it bothers u & how it hurts ur feelings. as far as the snooping, it's not easy to ignore it once u know but just remember he need a place to say thinks that he normally wouldn't say around u. try not to censor him 24/7. again it's hard to ignore wat u already know. talk to him camly & tell him these things hurt ur feelings.
that is just how i handle it & i think, it may not work for u but i thought maybe u would want as many options as u could get
good luck!

I think airmans sweetie gave you some really sound advice. My mileage varies on this issue... what came first , the chicken or the egg.. you snooped, he lied about looking at the pictures. You can get mad at him for what he's done and he can get mad at you for what you've done. Both have violated a trust, so you need move past that part and focus on the future....

And on what the bigger issue is, the real issue... your worries over whether or not he still finds you attractive, your worries about being 'enough' for him. Thats whats bothering you, thats what needs addressing.

Everyone has their own line in the sand that they draw and say what they deem acceptable or respectful and its up to your partner to honour that. If you don't want him talking a certain way around you, if you want more sex with him, etc... those are tangible things a guy can understand.

Forget trying to get them to wrap their head around why their looking hurts your feelings. Its a dead horse. A lot of guys just don't seem to get that. I guess because we live in a society that focus' so heavily on sexual imagary largely geared towards men.

If they had to sit and watch commercials all day of guys packages and 6 packs, if every time they turned on hbo it was some guy waving around his penis, if they sat down to their computer and saw you typing on a forum talking about some strange naked guy and how you'd love to have him stick it in you --- then maybe just maybe they'd get a feel for your insecurities and why those words would hurt you.

But we just don't live in that society, we live in the other one... where guys watch porns with perfect 10 girls giving oral to average joes or even hideous pigs is standard, where just about every movie finds away to have a reason to show a womans bare breasts and a penis on a mainstream film is as rare of a sighting as big foot.

Men are going to look, some women are not going to care, some women are going to get hurt and feel insecure. Neither is a wrong reaction. You just have to find a way to be fair to him and have him be fair to you too.

Totally agree with AS. You walk down the street and a sexy woman walks past. You can't exactly look the other way. You can "appreciate" the womans appearance. It is better to be open about it than to hide it. My wife points woman out to me to check out too.

"Why does he say those things" you ask. The internet as a whole is fantasy land. I can say anything I like right here and now and the worst that can happen to me is I get barred from this forum. So I go to another. On more forgiving, uncontrolled forums I can say anything and play out my fantasies.

How is your sex life together? Do you act out or indulge in fantasy play? To any level...it doesn't have to be extreme.

Is his internet replacing sex? If so, you need to tell him you need his attention. Maybe let him say/do what he says on the forum.

Is his internet enhancing your sex? If so, great!

The issue, as has been described here before, is not so much what he is looking at but rather why? And is pictures/videos any worse/better than reading stories. I find stories much more stimulating most times....(it's all in the mind).

So, I know you have tried before but you need to talk with him (not TO him) and a: find out why he likes it and b: suggest trying some of it with you.

"You know, you can put your **** in between my **** if you want"
"How about the real thing stud?"
"I'd do that for you if you asked"
"You think there big. Check these babies......flash"

Hope this has helped a little and good luck.


PS. I once had a pair of pants with a steering wheel in them. Had to stop wearing them. They were driving me nuts!

Originally Posted by manspoint

PS. I once had a pair of pants with a steering wheel in them. Had to stop wearing them. They were driving me nuts!

lol

thanks guys ill take everything you have all written and try my best i have forced myself to stop looking but everytime i see him on it my head starts thinking ...what/who is he looking at now. i think i have to realise people change when we first met he claimed he had eyes for no one else and now... ive got to stop comparing him to his old self if that makes sense? also he has told me he wished he had been with more girls before me that its one of his biggest regrets so that gets at me too. then there was a bigger issuse last year where he meet a girl on another forum they said they were only friends but he started confinding to her and then they constantly sent each other pm's and once a week the group would meet for coffee and it got to the point where he would only go if she went. she bought him a necklace which he constantly wore it drove me nuts. i felt like they connected on emotional level and mine and his had faded if you get what i mean? anyway i think thats what started all this (besides my lack in my own self image) but i will try everything you have all said thanks
i am so glad i found this forum.

Originally Posted by sinner

also he has told me he wished he had been with more girls before me that its one of his biggest regrets so that gets at me too.

I can understand his feelings on this issue. I married my first sexual partner and often wondered about what it would be like with someone else, but I never discussed it and never ever made an issue of it. You just don't throw that at your wife/partner/lover. He has to forget this and not go and find out. How you do that....I have no idea. But be wary that he may want to, or may have already.

Originally Posted by sinner

...then there was a bigger issuse last year where he meet a girl on another forum they said they were only friends but he started confinding to her and then they constantly sent each other pm's and once a week the group would meet for coffee and it got to the point where he would only go if she went.

Do you know what he was confiding to her? We all need an outlet, hence this site, and more often than not it is not with our partner which is totally wrong. And once we start discussing personal matters with someone of the opposite sex it is almost inevitable that it will go further. It is the nurturing aspect that draws one closer. So, while this is something that happened but (I'm guessing) didn't go too far, he sounds like someone who needs an ear and a shoulder now and then, and maybe he is too embarrassed as a man to admit this need to you. And we are all (referring to men) guilty of hiding our feelings.

You sound like you are prepared for the challenges and prepared to do some hard yards yourself and that is the most important part. But don't do all the work or you will wear yourself down. Help him to help your relationship get back to what it was. It takes two and both have to be committed. (I had a one sided marriage and it cannot last forever).

Again good luck and best wishes.

sadly i hacked into his account and found out he was telling her our problems and things that went on in our past. once he knew i did this he deleted everything she sent once he read it. (i explained on another post when we first met he had a breakdown due to being brought up in an abusive house hold and with his meds and abusing alcohol and drugs he got violent towards me. i stress this was 11 yrs ago and its never happened since im much stronger now and would leave with my kids if it ever did but back then i stayed because i wanted to help him.) anyway up until the end of last year i had never told anyone my own family doesnt know what he did but when i saw that he had told her i was so angry. i was also pissed that if he had a problem with me he couldnt just tell me in the past we had told each other. i felt like i was losing him emotionally???

im still worried he wants to find out about what its like to be with another woman he has told me a few times he wouldnt cheat on me but he has also said you dont know what you are going to do in a situation untill your placed in it....
id like to add all the men in his family minus my husband have cheated repeatedly on there partners so it makes me worry but my new motto is To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. i need to do this for him and to show him he can trust me.

thanks

Originally Posted by manspoint

Totally agree with AS. You walk down the street and a sexy woman walks past. You can't exactly look the other way. You can "appreciate" the womans appearance. It is better to be open about it than to hide it. My wife points woman out to me to check out too.

I got to ask you, why is it better to talk about it? What benefit does it possibly serve? Why are two people who are supposed to be into each other so concerned with how other people look. Of course a guy's going to notice an attractive woman. But since when does it matter if your SO has to hear about it?

That is something I don't get and won't get. If we see a hot chick on tv. I know she is a hot chick. I don't need my boyfriend to tell me she is. I don't wonder if he thinks she is hot or not.

Oh look at the butt on that chick! Who cares? Unless your girlfriend has an interest in women sexually ... she's not your beer drinking buddies that need to comment on every butt that walks by. Seriously.

I'd rather spend the time talking with my boyfriend about other things than who is hot and why. But thats just me. I don't expect him to be blind, nor does he expect me to be. But I don't feel like spending my time with him discussing how awesome another chicks breasts are. "Wow her boobs are fantastic" "yes, they are" . There, that and a dozen chickens gives us a dozen chickens. No benefit... so why then is it better to discuss every person that gives you a tingle in your shorts.

We can spend all day talking about how hot OTHER people are... and rest assure they aren't wasting their time together discussing how hot WE are. It just seems a waste of time.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I got to ask you, why is it better to talk about it? What benefit does it possibly serve? Why are two people who are supposed to be into each other so concerned with how other people look. Of course a guy's going to notice an attractive woman. But since when does it matter if your SO has to hear about it?

That is something I don't get and won't get. If we see a hot chick on tv. I know she is a hot chick. I don't need my boyfriend to tell me she is. I don't wonder if he thinks she is hot or not.

Oh look at the butt on that chick! Who cares? Unless your girlfriend has an interest in women sexually ... she's not your beer drinking buddies that need to comment on every butt that walks by. Seriously.

I'd rather spend the time talking with my boyfriend about other things than who is hot and why. But thats just me. I don't expect him to be blind, nor does he expect me to be. But I don't feel like spending my time with him discussing how awesome another chicks breasts are. "Wow her boobs are fantastic" "yes, they are" . There, that and a dozen chickens gives us a dozen chickens. No benefit... so why then is it better to discuss every person that gives you a tingle in your shorts.

We can spend all day talking about how hot OTHER people are... and rest assure they aren't wasting their time together discussing how hot WE are. It just seems a waste of time.

the thing is that i don't wait for him to tell me a chick is hott, heck half of the time i point them out. he doesn't have to tell me & i don't require him to. we r just comfortable enough to talk to one another about it. i mean it doesn't turn into an hour long convo, just 10 minutes tops. i would b fine whether he said it out loud or not, it is just one of those odd things we do. & that is only 1% of the things we talk about. all i was getting at was this wasn't a 100% solution but that it once one of her options & he might feel more open to talking to her about things if he realized she was more relaxed about certain things. that may not work for her, but i encourage compromise. if u give a little he will me more likely to as well.