Tonight I cry myself to sleep

**CK001** · 01-30-2010 08:10 PM

Tomorrow my husband is moving out. And probably going straight over to her.

I am so sad. I am surrounded by used, gross tissues right now. Which I guess is more productive than the anger and hatred I felt earlier. Not that this is a great state to be in, but at least I don't feel like pulling a Bobett move. I'm like a roller coaster - up and down, up and down.

I feel so empty right now. OK, we have had some problems lately, and we haven't had any passion...but we use to be so good. Where did it go and why can't we get it back???

Tonight, I almost forgot. Our last night we watched Bedtime Stories with the kids, made popcorn and all laughed. He actually said "goodnight honey" to me. I guess he forgot too.

For all the pain we've been through, I really feel like I am losing my best friend.

I would have tried...I really wanted to go to counsiling. I really wanted to figure out how we could break through this lack of communication and initimacy that shrowded our lives in the past few years. But by the time he said he was unhappy to me, it was over. He was already with her. He had no intention to fix the marriage. He just wanted out.

I say shame on you.. Shame on all of you for easily stating to move on...that we were in a loveless marriage and of coarse he left.

It shouldn't be this easy. He should not be able just to walk out of 12 years of marriage. And most of them we good years. He shouldn't be able to walk out without giving us one last try... a real try.

I keep going over in my head what I could have said or done differently. But I know there is nothing.

I see this as a lack of communication...he sees this as a lack of initimacy...Why don't we have passionate sex? Why don't we talk? I don't talk because you don't give me great sex...We'll I can't organism because we don't talk...

I just want to scream...it's not fair. My whole world is upside down because of semantics.

And around and around we go. Someone should have stopped us and made us take a good look. We really did want the same things...just approached it differently which made it seem different. But he can't even talk to me now. Or hasn't been able to since this started. I actually over heard he say to a friend that he can't trust anything I say, that I'm just putting on an act of being sad because I don't want the stigmatism of a divorcee. That I would do anything at this point just to keep his around for the sake of the family, but not because I want him.

Anything that makes it easier to walk out the door, I guess. If I really wanted him, then it would make him a bad person for cheating on me.

But I am really losing my best friend. We were suppose to be in this together. He was suppose to believe in us, even when I was going through periods of depression and stress.

I will take the blame for my fair share of all blame. But this is not fair.

And I hate myself because after all that has happened (affair and all), I think I would take him back. I know I should want rip his *EDIT* eyes out. But I know if I had just said I love you that fated weekend, perhaps this would have never happened.

But the thing is, I am not sad that it did happen. I am going to therapy now and feel like I might conquer the problems I had. I really don't want to be in a passionateless marriage, I was just to deep to try to get out so I gave up trying.

Well, the Tylenol PM and red wine are taking it's affect. And I have done my venting.

Good night all.
Christine

**caterpillar79** · 01-30-2010 08:54 PM

Good vent, Christine!

Losing your bestfriend is a hard, more so if your bestfriend is also your significant other. It's good that you're going to therapy, and yes, venting it here will do you good as well. When you reach 33 posts, you can also peruse the blog and write all your thoughts and feelings there, it's a great catharsis.

When a relationship ends, we always look back and tell ourselves the "would'a, should'a, could'a" phrases. We, being humans who are rational beings, always default into second guessing ourselves. Normal, I would say, but if we get stuck in them, we are stuck as well. This halts any attempt of healing.

Right now, feel whatever you have to feel, then vent here. Think of your emotions that bring you in a roller coaster, imagine putting them in small sailboats, and let them sail away from you as you watch the calm stream. This will take a lot of practice. But this relaxation method is what saved my sanity when I was in the middle of "heart" crisis.

Let the stages of grieving have their way. Sometimes, you will not have to experience all of them. It all depends on your will power. I know you can make it through.

Hang in there. Stick with us. We are here for you.

**Explorer44** · 01-30-2010 09:14 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and I too am glad you are going to therapy!

This pain will not go away quickly, unfortunately, but make friends here at WH and you'll have lots of people to lean on while you go through it.

HUGS to you!

**WildChild** · 01-30-2010 09:35 PM

What he should do, unfortunately has little to do with what he will do. Cry, write, talk to friends but keep your self rational with your kids. They don't need to deal with any more upset than they will have as it is.

This is all part of the grieving process, grieving for what is gone. Keep in mind that no matter how sad you are, how hurt, how upset - it won't change or help anything, so don't just wallow in it.

**rcoreyus** · 01-30-2010 10:27 PM

I'm very sorry for your situation. Maybe you weren't right for each other, and when the initial pain goes away, you will realise that you are better off without him. It is terrible for a marriage to end, but it is also terrible for one to continue when both people are miserable. In years to come you may realise that this was a turning point for the better, not the worse.

**caterpillar79** · 01-31-2010 09:44 AM

How are you today, Christene?

Take each day as it comes, one step at a time.

**stressed** · 02-02-2010 12:23 AM

No, it shouldn't be easy for anyone to leave it all behind without trying enough. Maybe he thought he tried, in his own way, and it didn't work. Maybe his affair helped him see only the negative aspects of your marriage and made it easier for him not to look back. If she was 'supportive' by just listening to him complaining about your marriage and if he misunderstood you then he must have found it easier to just leave. Maybe you misunderstood him too. But it had been like that for years now and now there isn't much left to save. Don't blame your surgeries, if you both communicated and wanted equally to solve your issues they wouldn't be such a serious problem. You'd be able to find alternatives good for both. To never argue is not always a good sign, some times people avoid argument and prefer to keep it all inside, but eventually they blow up. If we keep it all to ourselves, overthink and assume what the other would say or do if with did this and that without discussing or arguing if we have to, then we can feel angry over small issues.

There were things that bothered you in the marriage too, but you never told him because you either didn't want to hurt him or cause trouble. When he read the diary maybe he felt that this is the only view you have of him. He was probably angry with your suggestions about improving the marriage and wanting sex now, because he's already found somebody new and he can't change this now. Maybe he also wishes that things were different, but if he's like you then he won't show it.

You weren't happy those last few years, you were both unhappy for different reasons. You couldn't understand each other and usually didn't have the energy to solve your relationship problems. You WILL feel better again, what you feel right now is natural. It's a loss, but it's not the end. You can make a new start, with your children and with a new man if you wish to, you will feel happy again.

I can see that you would have honestly tried harder if he had given you the chance years ago, if he would have let you realize how unhappy he was and if he would have listened to you more. But it just didn't work out. However, you will soon see that you can have a good life without him, if not a better one. You can have your life the way you want it and start again. You will always have your children and they are wonderful gifts.

Talk with friends and family as much as you need to. Post here as much as you need to, we do listen and want to help. Value what you have and look forward, as it's your life and you deserve to be happy.

**jennellebelle** · 02-07-2010 06:25 PM

Look, the best revenge is to get better. You have to realize that this new woman is getting nothing but a cheater who, if he had the cruelty to do it to you, he will do the same to her. Let her deal with his BS now and you need to move onto the next thing.
Yea I know it hurts like a mofo, but thats okay...its going to hurt, and bad. Just let it hurt...let yourself cry, yell and be in pain. Dont fight it...and also dont wreck yourself trying to figure out what YOU may have done to make him leave, because its not you.
Who knows, he might want a chick with three eyes and purple hair, but is that you? No, so let him go.
Week by week, you will find it easier to deal with, but what you need to do is to cut all ties with him. Even though he left you, believe you me, you are not out of his mind. It just doesnt work that way for the human brain and heart. He'd have to be a machine not to think of you (and what he did) every day. And the best way for you to use this against him is to not call him, not talk to him, and not let him see you down. If he sees you dont even give a flying frack, then he will be the one feeling badly about himself, asking himself, 'why isnt she a wreck over this? wow i must really be a piece of dookie!'

He is a weak man who left you in the throws of new passion for another woman. Wait til he gets bored with her after that inital wave of romance is over with. He will think seriously about his actions then.

Go on and have your cry out, then forget about him. I know its hard, but everytime you feel yourself sinking into that sinckening sadness, shake your head and snap out of it. There a billion men in this world and there is no need to let just ONE stress you out like this.

And dont carry any trust issues onto the next guy....and as for getting with another man, dont get with anyone else until you have become independant again and actually enjoyed the peace of being single.