What a mess!!

**Mortisha** · 01-31-2010 01:09 PM

My fiancee and I have been together 5 years. All seemed fine. I was working and had been with the company 20 years. He lost his job and then we decided to buy a local bar for us to run as his income. All seemed fine for a couple months then I quit my job of 20 years to help him with the bar. He ended up cheating on me with one of the young bartenders we had hired and now she is preganant and says it is his. She has slept around like 3 days before the sex with him so there is a possiboility it is not his. He is living with his mom and only staying here sometimes. We have seemed to get things on track somewhat but it is torture at times. He takes her to her doctors appointments just in case it is his baby. Sometimes I wonder if he will decide to go to her after the baby is born if it is his. Any advice??

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-31-2010 01:45 PM

My advice to you is that you shouldn't be worried about whether or not he decides to leave and go with her when the baby is born... you should be more focused on whether or not you even WANT him to stay regaurdless of what happens with the baby.

You gave up a whole lot for HIM... and he gave up EVERYTHING... or at least RISKED everything for a fling. It seems you are in it with all your heart and he is not. And that hurts... but you have to see that you deserve better than that. I know you have invested 5 years of your life into what you thought this man was or could be but it looks like he isn't what you thought and won't be in the future.

I am not trying to make you lose hope I'm just advising you to focus on yourself right now, and your needs and wants. How was the relationship outside of the affair? Did you guys still have sexual chemistry? Did he make you feel loved and special? How did you learn of his cheating? Did he come clean right away... or was it not until the baby situation and he was forced to?

Has he appologized for what has happened? Do you feel confident that this won't happen again... do you understand what caused him to do it in the first place? He may have had no reason at all.... but the fact that he didn't have enough of a reason to at least NOT want to hurt you and do this... it speaks volumes of where his heart is or isn't. At least to me.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope for your sake that you start focusing on whether or not he can make you happy instead of worrying about whether or not he will leave.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-31-2010 01:49 PM

Sweet, your such an understanding soul.

"You quit your job to assist him"
"He cheated on you"
"He's living elsewhere, but staying with you sometimes"
"He takes her to the Doctors".

Okay, take that aside. Obviously he told you? And, he's telling you about taking her to the Doctors?

That's a plus if that's the case.

You need to explain to him this.... You are his fiancee, you gave up your job to assist you "both" as a couple, with a business, he did wrong by cheating, and should feel remorseful and should be there for you for all you have done and all that you are putting up with.

He needs NOT go to the Doctors with her. He needs to wait until the baby is born and do a DNA, and then make decisions pertaining to support.

What he needs to do is support this relationship. What he needs to do is not feel he can come over and sleep with you, and support her emotionally.

That is not what constitues a relationship.

Imagine this... He supports her emotionally, she gets attached, she talks about the baby as if it's his, he gets attached, your relationship is over. Even if, the baby ends up not being his and he walks, he crossed over emotionally.

So, if I was you, I'd have the talk and make it clear that he is your fiancee, he can not afford to get emotionally attached to a woman and her baby, at this point in time in case it's not his and therefore, he emotionally breaks and that you respect his Morals and why but your his fiancee and he should "respect" you. He can find that out when the baby is born and you can both deal with it from there.

In the meantime... you need to put a stop to this.

CW

**Explorer44** · 01-31-2010 08:28 PM

Actually I believe they can DNA test before the baby is born nowadays...

This sounds like a mess for you and I am sorry. You have been giving and giving and he's been playing while you work.

Strange he feels compelled to go to the dr appts but not work on his relationship with you..just staying over 'sometimes'. Have you asked him what he thinks YOUR response to this is?

A big TIME OUT might be in order until you (not him, you) decide what you think you want to deal with in this matter.

I know, you've invested time, money, etc. But if this is his, do you want that for your relationship? And even if the baby is not his, you will always have that notion in your mind "What is he up to?"

**Lizzy girl** · 01-31-2010 08:38 PM

well I recently talked to a woman who had been with her hubby for 35 years. He had cheated on her in the past yet they were still together. I asked her how on earth could you stay with a cheater. "once a cheatwer always a cheater right?" well she told me yes it devasted her. He moved out at first... and wanted to continue seeing the woman he had an affair with. She gave him an altimatum. A he could stay with her and see if it works and never speak to his wife again or their children. Or make it work go to counseling and answer all and any of her questions she had. She said it took him 2 months but he came home to her and they have a solid foundation now for 35 years!!!! she said it took her YEARS to accept his apologizing all the time. but she loved him with all her heart. It was hard and it took alot of time and tears but she said she doesnt regret it. just then her husband walked up grabbed her hand gave her a kiss on the cheek and said happy Anniversary !!! She smiled and said i know i made the right decision and that she knows ill make the right one... My advice... I came bvack to my hubby after some problems had come out it took me 8 months but i love him and i dont regret it. i know he is sorry and he knows what he did will never fade in my mind but we are working on it and building our relationship over. with our 3 kids. So my answer to you is talk to the man you love be honest and if he truley loves you he will be there with you . not the pregnant youngan at the bar!! stay strong we all love you!

**stressed** · 02-01-2010 11:50 PM

Many couples can make it through cheating. It is very positive that he told you about the situation. You don't live together so this can cause a number of problems and working at a bar is a high risk job. He has to explain why he cheated on you, so that you will be able to move on and forgive him if you choose to. If he did it just because the girl was attractive and so on, there is a good chance he will do it again, whether he will be emotionally involved or not, as the bar will be full of young attractive girls who can flirt with him. If he can't resist them then you will be in big trouble. You have to decide if you can always love and trust a man you know that can be daily attracted to women at his workplace, where alcohol is involved. If you choose this then be prepared for a long time of improvement.

You must also realize that if the baby is his then he will be emotionally connected with the mother and he can never fully be 'yours', he will already have a family whether he marries you or not. Since he goes to the doctor with her then there is a chance he had sex with her more than once, as he has a feeling it is his based on his actions, and I doubt she goes to the doctor with a different man every time. There must be a reason why she wants him to come along.

**Mortisha** · 02-02-2010 08:48 PM

I appreciate each response and your honest opinions. To explain further.....At the time of the cheating we were already going through quite a rough spot in our relationship. The stress caused by the bar not doing as well as expected considering I had quit a well paying job with benefits to come help him (at his request). We had to work opposite shifts just to cut back on payroll and were never seeing each other. He started drinking which he had never done before and says he was drunk when he slept with her. He says it was a mistake and at first was very apologetic. We have split up twice over this and I have retained an attorney. We have decided to try to make this work between us and the girl lives with her dad. I think he is hesitant to move back in because he wonders how I will handle the news if the baby is really his. I have to be honest I am hoping it is not. I cant have any more kids (my only daughter will graduste in June) and this if it is his will be his first. He thought he could not have kids until this. I do believe he loves me and I know I love him. I think we are both trying hard to make us work but I know we are both confused about the future.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-02-2010 09:13 PM

It sounds to me then, your ownly fear is if the baby is his.. the fact that you can not have children which he accepted, and the thought that he couldn't which may not be the case, therefore, he may go to her because of the baby.

Then, if your willing to forgive the situation and why it occured, then talk to him sincerely, properly about your fears.

I still say he shouldn't be taking her to the Doctors.. It's still an emotional thing that may assist in him leaving, as he gets to know her, bond with her, whilst she is pregnant and also again, for him, if he is not the father, the feelings he will have as a result.

CW

**sinner** · 02-03-2010 02:01 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Sweet, your such an understanding soul.

"You quit your job to assist him"
"He cheated on you"
"He's living elsewhere, but staying with you sometimes"
"He takes her to the Doctors".

Okay, take that aside. Obviously he told you? And, he's telling you about taking her to the Doctors?

That's a plus if that's the case.

You need to explain to him this.... You are his fiancee, you gave up your job to assist you "both" as a couple, with a business, he did wrong by cheating, and should feel remorseful and should be there for you for all you have done and all that you are putting up with.

He needs NOT go to the Doctors with her. He needs to wait until the baby is born and do a DNA, and then make decisions pertaining to support.

What he needs to do is support this relationship. What he needs to do is not feel he can come over and sleep with you, and support her emotionally.

That is not what constitues a relationship.

Imagine this... He supports her emotionally, she gets attached, she talks about the baby as if it's his, he gets attached, your relationship is over. Even if, the baby ends up not being his and he walks, he crossed over emotionally.

So, if I was you, I'd have the talk and make it clear that he is your fiancee, he can not afford to get emotionally attached to a woman and her baby, at this point in time in case it's not his and therefore, he emotionally breaks and that you respect his Morals and why but your his fiancee and he should "respect" you. He can find that out when the baby is born and you can both deal with it from there.

In the meantime... you need to put a stop to this.

CW

ive got to agree with everything said i could not say it any better, especially the part about dna testing and going to the doctors.
my heart truly goes out to you. i hope what ever you do in regards to this issue is the right one for you you need your heart mended and he should be caring for your emotions.
good luck i wish you all the best

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 04:13 AM

At first I was all for 'not going to the doctor with her' as well, but now I'm thinking, if the baby is his and she is the mother of his child, then he has the responsibility to go with her. It doesn't matter if it was 'an accident' or if he doesn't love her, it can still be his baby and he had sex with this woman. He had the 'guts' to have sex with her, now he must have the 'guts' to face the consequences and support this woman. He can't just have sex with people and then leave them when there's the possibility of conception. I'm not taking that woman's side, I just think that he must act like a responsible man and deal with his actions. As the last thing that child will want to know is that it was a 'mistake at a bar' and it doesn't know who his father is. He needs to take a DNA test right away.