husband left me and my son

**loveforever15** · 02-01-2010 04:23 AM

my husband of 15 years, (together 8, married 7) left me and my son on Nov 8th, worst of all when we were supposed to be at my son's birthday party together. We were having issues, and a huge argument the night before. He called saying he wanted to be at the party and basically wanted to be in my life, and what he did was cleared his belongings out of the house while I tended to my son's party. My son was very hurt by this.
I wanted answers, but he never wanted to talk anywhere but on the phone. Not only did he take his stuff, but bank statements, bill statements, not too mention cleared out the bank acct, and then he could not imagine why I was upset that he took the money I had saved for christmas. The part that he racked up my credit card to 4000.00 practically sent me over the edge, as 900.00 of this was when he was gone. I never was able to use it. He had control of it. He also had a money stash.
We had to go to the courts to get custody arrangments, I filed. He never called or saw my son for christmas.
He now has an apartment, divorce papers were served about two weeks after e left.
I am having a hard time with this emotional hurt I feel and am worried for my son, as he never wants to talk about what happened. When we do talk, I get acused of being controlling, or judging him. His answer is that is the past. Well, I need answers to this, so I can cope.
As I look back, I feel there were always emotional issues, ie. never wanting to get married, kids, could not be with me etc.. and that was what I was picking up on this past year, never wanting to talk, be intimate for fear of other children, not coming home from work when his shift was over.
He tells me he wants to enjoy his life, there is no other woman, or interest. It is like the last 15 years were like dust on his shoes, wiped off and moved on.
What makes it even more suspicious and confusing, is that were are communicating and then he turns it off and becomes distance and his eyes look like through me, or he wants a hug and then when I look over, he has this smirk/smile on his face and then the hurt comes all flooding back because I feel I am being played.
Now, what makes me even more suspicious, is that when I ask him how his day was, or what was for supper, He has to think about it before he answers.
I just can't deal with the lack of remorse on his part. How do I get past this hurt?
All, he wants to talk about is the divorce, so that makes me suspicious there is someone else. He keeps saying it is about money, he is broke. Well, so am I as I am left with triple bills, a credit card debt because of him, and a feeling of extreme betrayal.
any thoughts and support would be apreciated

**danceintx** · 02-01-2010 08:38 AM

I cannot speak for your husband and his reasons, but I can empathize with you on the lack of remorse. My ex husband treated me and my son horribly. From the time we got married he would rage, cuss me out, threaten me with all kinds of things to have control, would let me go no where or do anything but he did what ever he wanted, just to come home and cuss me out some more. He was physically, and emotionally abusive the entire marriage. Anytime I tried to get any kind of remorse from him, he would get defensive and blame me, everything was my fault because I either didn't have sex with him enough, or wasn't supportive of how he felt enough. Still to this day I have tried to get him to show some kind of remorse for how he treated us and I get nothing. Probably never will, so I have slowly learned to stop kicking that dead horse. I will never get remorse from him, because he just isn't sorry, and just doesn't care. Sounds like your husband doesn't either. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you get through it a much better person. He doesn't deserve you.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-01-2010 09:48 AM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My advice would be to not try to keep your mind filled with worries and wonder of if there is someone else in his life. I understand the curiousity, I'd have it to... the desire for answers and closure. But truth is him leaving you for no reason/ him leaving you for another woman both will leave the same scar and empty space. Its semantics at this point.

You can rack your brain for signs that you should have known something was off ... but don't. You trusted this man, with all your heart and you were blindsided. There is nothing wrong with the way you loved. There is only something wrong with him and his lack of common decency and responsability.

Even if he wanted a divorce, he could have handled this all in a way that was more dignified than packing up and running away from home while you were at your sons party.

You have a lot of healing to do , but I don't think you can begin to start until you let go of this quest to find out if he has someone new, and what you could have done to change all this because its evident that he had his mind made up and anything you would have tried to do would have been in vain.

I hope that you write here, or in a journal, or talk to a friend. I hope that you try to get sleep and nourish your body with food. I hope that you get out there and go for a walk and get some fresh air and sunshine. I hope that you are still able to smile at your son when he does something adorable like all kids do. There is so much more to life than to waste it worrying about someone that would treat you the way this man did in the end.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-01-2010 02:08 PM

I'm betting something happened before he met you, 15 years ago that gave him the "non-trust" and therefore, inability to be in a committed relationship.

My ex did the same thing pertaining to sex, for fear of me deliberately having a child and raked up my cards, and spent my money, and I haven't divorced because he wants more.

Be careful of this Divorce paper, don't sign it until you have had it looked at properly, I am betting that he is being sneeky there and wanting to gain more than you know about including leaving you with huge debts that he rung up...

CW

**loveforever15** · 02-02-2010 03:25 AM

thank you for your response and wisdom, ironic about divorce. He was just wants it done, like tomorrow. He did mention though that he would sign his half of the house over to me. I keep getting told he has his inheritance, time etc into it, but never about the 15 years we were together. I just wish I could get past this suspicious feeling I have all the time, like there is a hidden agenda.
diane

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My advice would be to not try to keep your mind filled with worries and wonder of if there is someone else in his life. I understand the curiousity, I'd have it to... the desire for answers and closure. But truth is him leaving you for no reason/ him leaving you for another woman both will leave the same scar and empty space. Its semantics at this point.

You can rack your brain for signs that you should have known something was off ... but don't. You trusted this man, with all your heart and you were blindsided. There is nothing wrong with the way you loved. There is only something wrong with him and his lack of common decency and responsability.

Even if he wanted a divorce, he could have handled this all in a way that was more dignified than packing up and running away from home while you were at your sons party.

You have a lot of healing to do , but I don't think you can begin to start until you let go of this quest to find out if he has someone new, and what you could have done to change all this because its evident that he had his mind made up and anything you would have tried to do would have been in vain.

I hope that you write here, or in a journal, or talk to a friend. I hope that you try to get sleep and nourish your body with food. I hope that you get out there and go for a walk and get some fresh air and sunshine. I hope that you are still able to smile at your son when he does something adorable like all kids do. There is so much more to life than to waste it worrying about someone that would treat you the way this man did in the end.

**loveforever15** · 02-02-2010 03:30 AM

also, i know somehow eventually there will be healing. but your wisdom of your response has helped me realize that I have to start focusing on my beautiful precious son and the opportunities and gifts life has to offer me now. I just have a hard time with his non-remorse and that his response to everything that it is in the past. I try to talk about it, but many of my friends and I have lost touch, another story. I just stopped devoting time to myself and all my time to my marriage. I will heed your words.
thank you

Originally Posted by loveforever15

thank you for your response and wisdom, ironic about divorce. He was just wants it done, like tomorrow. He did mention though that he would sign his half of the house over to me. I keep getting told he has his inheritance, time etc into it, but never about the 15 years we were together. I just wish I could get past this suspicious feeling I have all the time, like there is a hidden agenda.
diane

**WildChild** · 02-03-2010 07:08 AM

Get yourself a Good attorney. He is a manipulative game player and should not be allowed to get away with these financial games. He has stripped you financially, he needs to be the one who pays up and pays off the bills. Being a single mother is rewarding but not easy, you will need every dime. Even if he no longer loves you, you have a child together and what ever he does to you, he does to your child as well.

Money and credit give you options and opportunities, he's taken those away. That he took financial records and had a "cash stash" indicates some preplanning. I've been taken to the cleaners more than once by a man (so learn from an overly trusting, slow learner's mistakes) Trying to be "fair", "equitable" or understanding with someone who is screwing you, equates to screwing yourself.