Why Do I Stay?

**1teacher** · 02-06-2010 04:24 PM

Man it has been almost 14 years since my husband and I got together and I would say only about 7 or so have those have been happy years. I have posted on here before about his drinking and he saying he loves another woman all during his drunken stampers. Now I am 31 weeks pregnant and I feel I have an obligation to our baby to at least give him a chance to be a good father. I have heard the stories of how the minute a man holds his baby his life changes, but the 8 weeks between now and then are going to be hel- for me and I don't think that is far. When I ask about the woman he says he loves while sober he says no I dont love her but I will always care for her, how am I supposed to take that. I constantly ask myself over and over why I am still here. I have so much to offer a man, I'm decent looking, educated and always looking for things to make me grow as a person. I know one reason is my fear of being alone and I know there are good men out there waiting for a woman like me and God knows I have done everything possible to hold my marriage together and I would not feel any guilt whatsoever if I do ever get the nerve up to walk away but right now I am just struggling and even wondering if he will be the father this baby deserves.

**sourpuss** · 02-06-2010 04:38 PM

He can be a good father whether you two are together or not. That's his choice. Just like he has the choice to be a good husband. You also have a choice to live your life and make yourself happy. Do you really want your child to be in a negative environment like that? Or would you rather be free and happy?

If it were me in that situation, I'd be making plans now to leave when I could. Don't wait until you are at wits end to start the process. If he miraculously makes a huge change towards you and your marriage after the baby is there, then you can reevaluate.

**sperosi** · 02-06-2010 10:04 PM

Originally Posted by 1teacher

. . .

When I ask about the woman he says he loves while sober he says no I dont love her but I will always care for her, how am I supposed to take that.

. . .

maybe just exactly that way!

there is a lot of room in our hearts for other people. i will always care and have feelings for people i have been involved with, even though our relationships have long ended. I also have deep feelings for and care about a few people i have never been involved in "that" kind of relationship with.

the key questions aren't how he feels about someone else, but how he feels about you. does he love you? is he in love with you? is he only going to be with you?

in reality, does anything else matter?

**Iseulda** · 02-07-2010 02:01 PM

Yes, sperosi, other things do matter. Why should she have to put up with him getting drunk and saying he loves someone else. That is not reasonable behaviour. If he can't keep his yap shut about it when he's drunk, whether he 'means it' or not, then he should quit drinking.

My ex said all sorts of things to me when he was drunk - nasty things about me, my family, other people, our relationship. He also said some pretty mean things when he was sober. For a short while he'd give me the 'I didn't mean it' speech the next morning - then do it all again the next time. After a while he stopped acknowledging he'd even said anything mean and hurtful at all.

He also claimed to love me, even after I left him. However my take is this - people who love people don't constantly say mean and hurtful things to them, drunk or sober. Once is forgiveable. Twice requires a longer talk. Three times, it has become a habit and some serious action needs taking.

1teacher, I can't tell you what to do. Your situation will not be the same as mine. I did give my ex a chance to be a good father and, though he wasn't all bad, he proved himself to be someone I could not co-parent with and I left him.

You need to look at yourself and him with a cold eye. The child you are about to have will not fix the marriage if it is broken. If anything it will put more strain on the relationship. If you can be happy with him as he is, then stay. If you can't be happy with him as he is but believe he wants to change and can act on that, then stay. Otherwise leave.

**jennellebelle** · 02-07-2010 06:14 PM

You stay because you are afraid of the unknown...you are afraid that if you leave, your whole world will be different, or crash down all together.
The truth is that those fears are normal, however not a foresight as to what will really happen.
Yes, if you left your world will change, but life is full of changes and you have to accept it. It wont kill you, but you will have to work on building another life...it can be hard, if you leave unprepared, so prepare yourself. Relationships are so you can be happy, not sad, since we are not forced to stay with one another. We get into relationships to feel loved and special, and to fill that lonely feeling up, NOT to be resentful and sad all of the time. Why would anyone subject themselves to that?! You might as well go to jail for something you didn't even do!
Look, we are always afraid of what could be, worrying endlessly about how a situation might be before we even enter it...and most of the time we realise that when we get to going through the actual event that we so horribly worried about, it's actually not that bad.
As with this, sure you are afraid to leave, but most women who eventually do, end up wishing they had done it sooner...they had fears that had no substance to back them up and chose to stay just because they chose to listen to these empty fears.
Take the risk if you really want to be happy, because nobody should be in a relationship where they are not happy and fulfilled. Why do that to yourself? Your only cuasing YOURSELF more stress and that knocks years off your life...and as soon as you know it, your child will be an adult and you be trying to keep them from doing the same mistakes you made...
If this relationship is already sour, what makes you think that it will get any better? Dont spend the rest of your years like this.
Also dont let the fear of being alone hinder you either, because you wont be alone forever.
I left an abusive husband three years ago. Yes I wish I had done it sooner, and yes, after the divorce I felt lone and like I will never have another man again, and now, I am sitting in my new apartment, with my NEW man who treats me OMG so good. I am at peace, I am no longer miserable, and I have been able to let the past go. Also I have a 7 yr old from my ex husband, and she is happy just the same.
Remember, there are a billion men out there....why ruin yourself over ONE?