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Reply With QuoteJust me, but i think you are over reacting. especially if you call this other guy and curse him out.Originally Posted by stressed
he needs to handle it himself, or not.
Fiance pinched at work, comes home bruised
Alright, this is quite silly but it has started to annoy me A LOT. On Thursday my fiance came home with a huge black bruise on his arm, I thought he had an accident (works at a factory) but he said it was his colleague who is really a nice guy and just finds it funny to pinch people, but he will tell him to stop (both of them are in their mid 30's). On Friday he came home with even more bruises that cover the whole inside of his upper arm (from the lower shoulder to the upper elbow). They vary from black to blue and red and they are over 5 ugly marks. When I saw that I got furious but he tried to laugh it off "he's just having fun, I'm not hurt, it's not like my arm hurts or is broken, I'm a man", but to that I said "how would you feel if I came home like that?" and he said "hmmm..yeah.. I'd be a little bit annoyed", "you're right", "I'll ask him to stop". I asked him what he does about it and he says just nothing, the guy shows up unexpectedly and runs, he does even worse to other guys...
I told him "if you get more bruises the next time I don't want you home" and he didn't like that saying "why do you blame me for?".....I told him he can have any kind of fun with the guys at work (within reasonable limits) but I don't want my man coming home from work with blue and black bruises. I said if he does it again I'm going to call him and curse at him. If he can't defend himself (and he's a strong man) then I get annoyed. It's enough that his job is awful and risky, I don't want him bruised on top of that. And he obviously doesn't tell that guy off or even do the same back.
I just hate looking at his arm bruised, I don't even want to touch him there and it makes me angry to look at. Funny or not, I don't like it, it repulses me.
I feel like I'm dealing with a kindergarten issue here...
Just me, but i think you are over reacting. especially if you call this other guy and curse him out.
he needs to handle it himself, or not.
I agree that it is inappropriate behavior and immature but it isn't kindergarten and you aren't his mother. If you had a problem with another employee at work would like your finacee calling your work to complain or scold someone? You are a grown woman and it would be very inappropriate for him to do so.
Sounds like this coworker is a bully and no one is setting limits. Let your fiancee deal with it or not. He is a grown up and you need to respect his ability to deal with things, just as you would want him to respect your ability to do so.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
You say that he is a strong man, so to me it implies if he was truly annoyed by it -- he would stop it. Male pack mentality, I'm assuming he works with a group of men, is unexplainable to us women sometimes.
If that guy is going around pinching all the guys and its a joke between all them, if your husband was the only one to say 'owe stop it, your bruising me' it would probably make him feeling like he was being a big baby. Worse still if he said 'my wifes gonna get mad at me , stop it' and a million times worse still if you called , like his mom , and told the guy he needs to play nice or else.
I am not belittling your concern. Personally, I think its weird behavior. I can see the ribbing and horseplay but repeated bruises... that is just bizarre :P
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Sounds like physical abuse, and tricky as well because it is so kindergarten-ish. But it's got the same idea as kindergarten pinching.
"I'm gonna pinch you but if you tell teacher (the boss) you're a sissy."
Effectively stopping your fiance from "telling on" this man. But it's still abuse, plain and simple. Your fiance needs to stop this man, sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him that it is inappropriate to touch people who do not want to be touched, it is in appropriate to hurt anybody, and if he pinches him or anybody else again, he'll take it to the manager, HR, whomever can stop it or fire him.
It sounds so ridiculous, but think about it - what harm is he going to do next that's a "joke?" And what kind of grown man runs around pinching people? Set it up to your fiance like that.
And if he won't do it? You have to think seriously about what kind of personality traits he's showing here. This is an opportunity to see something subconscious about him, as well as to see if he'll grow positively and stand up for himself.
Let us know how it goes!
made one wish for a permanent kiss that would echo through these bones like arsenic
Women are female (adj,) but not females (n.) We aren't dogs.
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Yes, I know all about "if you tell that guy it will come across as I'm his mum" or whatever, but seriously, this is ridiculous and I just can't stand him come home BRUISED, I am not talking about pinches or red marks here, but huge bruises, these things HURT! To think that he just tells nothing to that guy and just screams in pain every once in a while in a workplace he HATES to death makes me furious. Men, women, I don't care, this behaviour is unacceptable from either men or women. This guy pinches my fiance and another guy only, it was only between these two but suddenly he started with my fiance as well.
I just told him again before he left for work, he said "what do you want me to do?", I said, "you don't need me to defend you, do you? So deal with it and don't come home with bruises yet again".
I'm sorry guys but this is abusive behaviour in the workplace. I think my fiance wants to play it "cool" and doesn't react at all as he wants this guy to like him. This is not mature behaviour of either of them and I'm the one having to look at this thing every day. I've been physically abused by my ex, I've had such bruises before, I can't stand the sight of them, they make me angry.
But I'm not going to just stand there and see him come home every day bruised, come on now, that's not an advice.
I don't know. I mean he is a grown man, you are a smart well educated sounding woman, so I assume he has a good head on his shoulders as well. I think he is capable of handeling it... any intervention on your part is of course a personal choice but 'not going to just stand there' is almost as controlling as the guys pinching him. He will either have to stand up to them and tell them to stop or stand up to you and tell you he can deal with this on his own.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
I agree it's completely inappropriate behavior and unacceptable. You might suggest to your fiancee that he try another approach. I can think of two, one is to kneejerk flatten the guy or nail him in the nuts, or slam his heel down ont the top of his instep. Then say loudly, "Gee I'm sorry Joe, but everytime someone repeatedly pinches me like that I get this reflex response, I don't think I can control it. Guess you just better keep your hands to your self."
The other would be to say, again out loud, so others can hear, "I'm sorry Joe, but I only like you as freind and I'm not into even the low level S&M stuff."
Women have dealt with this stuff at work and other places for a long time, I didn't think men had to deal with it too.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Of course, that was my first reaction. I tried to make it clear to him that he must tell that guy off, as this is just not funny anymore. One time, okay, I wasn't happy about it, but it's guys having fun, let it go. But when it happens the next day it's just not funny anymore. He thinks it's very sweet of me to react like that, and he takes it as if I really care for him, but at the same time he clearly doesn't know what to do in a way. I mean, of course he knows that if he tells this guy off he will stop, but on the on the other hand I can tell that if he does that then he risks being misunderstood by the guy as in "he told me off, he doesn't like me anymore". I am hoping that by telling him every day he will realize that he has to act, but if this goes on for this whole week I just can't let it go on. I'm not going to call the guy, I'm not into empty threats and I know he's not a bad guy, I've met him, but I will act.
I'll suggest this, better not suggest anything physical though as he might start doing the same back and then things can get even worse. But he can very well say things like "get a girlfriend or something" or the S&M line, which is very fitting.
Actually, I've thought of having some "innocent fun" with his car if this goes on. Nothing damaging, but enough to keep him busy trying to clean up his car (nothing too disgusting of course, but proper). He gives me something black to look at at home and has fun by giving pain, he can have something else to look at and smell when he goes to his car... see who laughs then.
But, I do agree, the best thing to do is make him understand that it's him who must stop with it. It was actually silly of him to tell that guy the second day "my girl saw the bruises and got angry", it shows that even if he wants this to stop he puts me in the front line as if to tell him "it's cool for me, but my girl doesn't like it", so he won't be the 'bad guy'. If he doesn't want to deal with it at work then he has to deal with me complaining about it every day, see what works first...
I would Never, do something like messing with his car, that is escalation. And could get you into legal trouble.
But your bf could make some remarks - again, I would do this sort of thing where others can hear, for a variety of reasons - "Hey my fiancee it starting to think we've got something kinky going on." Or "Are you trying to get me to like you? A nice bot of wine would work better"
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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