Thread: Feels like a wall around my heart!!!

Basically, it sounds me to like your "give a Da** is busted". You've cared, you've cared some more, you've accepted abuse and you've lived your life on eggshells...... and NOW, now you recognize how much easier life is WITHOUT that and you probably think "Even if he DOES change, I'm still not sure I have anything left to give"....but you're skeptical that he will even actually change, because you've been through this, time and time again......and I'm sure you've gotten your hopes up time and time again.....and you've felt at east like "this time it's going to be different" only to be let down by his reverting back to his old ways.

Like HD said, too little too late. Your give a da** is busted......and it may or may not be repairable but what you have to really ask yourself is, do you even WANT to repair it?

I'm going with the too little too late. Sure we all feel the need to give someone who's trying a second chance but what happens when it's their 20th chance, they've improved and fallen back to their old habits several times, and they've done things that cannot be erased? You can tell yourself to forgive and forget but the heart will do what it wants and in my experience it knows that people don't truly change. They improve a little sometimes but in a situation like this where they are trying to force change in order to keep someone they will fall back to their old habits eventually. It takes a new situation for someone to act different.

I've listened to the "I'll change! I"ll change!" only to be back listening to the verbal abuse a dozen times over before I felt the same as you. I walked. He did all these things to try to get me back from nice to the point of attempted suicide. I failed to care. I couldn't care. When we decided he wasn't going to die from his drug overdose I drove him back to his apartment, informed his mom over the phone, and left. He hurt me too many times to care no matter who thinks I should have. Although most who know the situation say I should have left him in a ditch somewhere and those who only know his version called me up to give threats.

Do you really care to make it work anymore? Are you willing to try to force yourself to love him on the off chance one day you might have some feelings again? Are you willing to risk having your children verbally abused again? What message does it send if you keep giving this guy another chance and tolerating his behavior? My mom did that for years with my stepdad. Verbally abusive to everyone and we had to live with it. Luckily we spent enough time growing up before him and we were intelligent enough not to let it have much effect on us. You know what kind of impact that has on a child that only grows up with their dad being abusive and their mom smoothing it all over and acting like it's ok he does that? It causes the child to possibly grow up like their father, accepting an unhappy life like their mother, or just decide like me that marriage is a load of bull and never turns out well. Children usually become their parents unless they have other role models around and/or their parents are so revolting to them that they try very hard to do the exact opposite. So set the example you want. You've given him lots of chances. Now where do you want your children to learn to draw the line so they don't have to feel what you do now?

One thing I have to say is you people are awsome !! Thankyou! Things have kinda taken a turn, he is still totally committed to god, the past 2 months he has worked on himself. Whereas for myself, yes I have been going to a wonferful counselor, but spending a lot of time out with friends, having a lot fun, drinking more than I should. But they day I told him I was officially done, yes he was upset, I have been struggling with the idea of "did I make the right choice, what am I throwing away" then one night when I was praying, which I do everynight, it was like I was hit on the head. That I am not even giving this man a chance to prove himself to me and what kind of life am I displaying to my children by going out and drinking, making my friends seem like a priority in their eyes. Soooo I did text him and he came to see me, we talked for over 5 hours and since then have been "dating" We both know we need to take it slow and if we do realize we have a lot of work ahead of us. But I am still struggling(which he knows)I have told him there are no guarentees but at least we have tried. My friends are important to me but their lifestyle is something I need to change not only for myself but my kids too. They are supportive in a sense but also don't want to see me falling back into that life with him AGAIN. I still don't feel that love like I should for him, he feels he needs to prove his changes to me and basically win me back. Soooo unsure!!!!