How do I get hubby back to showing me he is attracted to me?

**luvsonly1** · 02-17-2010 09:45 AM

My hubby and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I haven't been the best wife as I have cheated on him 2 times (leaving him for a month the 2nd time this past summer for another man). I know I was wrong for what I did and I have learned from my mistake and will not do anything to jeopardize my marriage again. I am doing everything in my power to prove to him that I won't hurt him again and gain his trust. I know it will take time for him to completely trust me and I accept that.

My issue is that I have been back home since August and to this day he is yet to tell me that I am sexy, beautiful, or even attractive. He won't even tell me that I look good. He has no problem telling me that he loves me and says that he can't tell me I'm beautiful yet-he says we haven't gotten back to that level yet. While we were seperated I cut my hair and he uses that as an excuse at times even though it has grown back out quiet a bit.

He knows that I have a low self-esteem because of being alittle overweight and that him not telling me or showing me that he is attracted to me really hurts and keeps my self-esteem down. I know deep down that I am a beautiful person but having your husband not be able to tell you really hurts.

While we were seperated he also started seeing someone else and for a couple months after I moved back home he continued to see her because he was confused as to what he really wanted. He told this other woman every day that she was beautiful. She is now completely out of the picture.

He knows that part of the reason for my infidelity was because he "got comfortable" with our relationship and stopped showing me attention sexually so I don't understand why he is doing it again.

I try talking to him about it but he doesn't seem to be interested in talking about it so I don't know what more to do. I have no desire to be unfaithful again no matter if he tells me I am beautiful or not because I know that I am beautiful. I will remain faithful to him no matter what because I love him with all my heart.

**asiangrace** · 02-17-2010 10:42 AM

Dear, it sounds like you both need to be in couple's counseling or therapy if you both want to salvage your marriage. You cheated on him not once, but twice. Try to understand why he may not tell you or even feel attracted to you. He is mostly likely "doing it again" because you violated his trust. If my significant other cheated on me, there is no way I'd be able to make him feel special again without massive counseling.

Do you both want to still be married to each other? If so, I suggest counseling. There are some underlying issues on why you two are not staying faithful to each other.

When you left him, I am sure he did feel confused. If mine left me, I'd be devestated and completely confused.

Sit down and talk with him and let him know in an un-accusing manner how you feel and really think about if you two want to work through the marriage. Together.

**asiangrace** · 02-17-2010 10:44 AM

You need to make HIM feel special now. It's going to take a long time to gain each other's trust back. Make him dinner, give him a massage, wash his car, etc... Don't try and "buy" his love, but show HIM how special he is to you and how much you love him and want to be faithful to him. He'll notice.

**luvsonly1** · 02-17-2010 10:49 AM

I do show him that I love him and do everything I can for him. I do everything from cook him dinner to clip his toe nails. I would never try to "buy" his love.

I truely want my marriage to work and he tells me the same. I have tried to talk to him & tell him how I feel.

**asiangrace** · 02-17-2010 10:54 AM

Well, there's a step in the right direction that both of you want the marriage to work.
Ask him about counseling for couple's. If you can't afford a counselor, most churches offer free counseling services. You're on the right path of showing him that you love him. Keep doing it. It'll take a lot of time. Sometimes getting a third person, outside of the situation to help is very beneficial.

**LanaBear** · 02-17-2010 11:01 AM

If the two of you want it to work and cannot get over the hurdle of betrayal and distrust, I would suggest you both seek out counseling, marriage counseling and/or individual counseling.

It's not an easy thing to get over, especially cheating on him not only once, but twice. It really hasn't been that long, so I'm sure he's going to need time because he's probably thinking if you've done it twice, what's preventing you from doing it a 3rd, 4th or 5th. Sure, you can tell him you won't do it again until the cows come home, but that's going to be hard to believe since it wasn't just a one time occurrence.

**luvsonly1** · 02-17-2010 11:05 AM

I know that it will take alot of time. I know all of this and that my actions speak louder than my words when I tell him I won't do it again. All I am wanting is for him to show me or tell me that he is attracted to me in some way or another. I feel he should atleast be able to tell me that I look good when I get dressed up to go out with him or something like that.

**LanaBear** · 02-17-2010 11:08 AM

He may be hurting more than he is letting on, therefore, guarding himself.

You should really think about counseling.

**stressed** · 02-17-2010 12:46 PM

You say that "part" of the reason you cheated on him was because he didn't make you feel beautiful. I wonder what the other part is and how you can be so sure that you won't do it again. Maybe he is not 100% sure either yet.

Also, how do you know he told this woman she was beautiful every day?

He didn't say he found you attractive before, during and after you cheated on him. I don't see how that is going to change. It doesn't have to do with you being attractive or not but with him calling you attractive. If he won't say it in the next 6 months do you think you'd cheat on him again?

You have both been involved with other people, you have communication issues and you are still unhappy with his attitude. It's either counseling or something more permanent.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-17-2010 04:14 PM

5 months is not a long time.

I think you both had issues, after all he also went into the arms of another person and stayed there un-certain.

People can't blurt out words that have no meaning, just to please someone else, if that's not their nature.

I would say he does have a trust issue that you may do it again, after all, once, twice, third time. Irrespective that you have said never again, it's been 5 months, he loves you but, he may see the other guys in bed with you in his mind.

People, regardless of sex, have feelings. I would say he doesn't want to get hurt again and by opening up and going back to where it was to him, is not safe yet.

Your going to have to bide your time I am afraid. And, he's going to have to feel safe and wanting to be loved by you and see you for what he did again...

You can't force these things.

CW