Not sure what to think

**Sarah219** · 02-17-2010 03:09 PM

My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, we have a great relationship but we do have our issues. I am not sure if I am overanalyzing things, which I tend to do, so I would appreciate some perspective.
About 6 months ago, I found out that my fiance loves to look at porn, which is fine, pretty much 95% of guys look at it anyway. But I found out that he was looking at adult personals and talking to these girls, he saw them on some porn site and looked at them since it was something different. I was using the computer and I stumbled upon them, so I asked him what he was doing. he told me that he loves dirty talking and missed it, so that is why he was doing that. The fact that he was looking at adult personals killed me, because I know that these girls don't care if they ruin relationships or anything. I put a password on the computer, so only I could unlock it for him to use. Since all of this happened, I have been having trust issues ever since.
Earlier this week, I decided that I should take the password off. I figured that maybe it would help with my trust but it hasn't I feel almost like it has made it worse. He found out about this "browse in private" on internet explorer which doesn't save any history or anything. This makes me think that maybe he is doing what he was doing before. I just don't know.
I really don't know what I should do. Overall, we have a good relationship. I don't know if I am overreacting or overanalyzing again. It kills me to think that I might have to walk away, its something that I really don't want to do.
If he lies about it again (he lied twice) then I don't think I can deal with being lied to anymore.
I really want to be able to talk to him about this, straighten things out and be able to trust him with everything like I did before. I just have no idea how to go about it.
Any help would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-17-2010 03:23 PM

Is he talking to porn stars, or dirty chat lines? Or is it personals as in... women in your area potential hook up adult personals sites? Theres a large difference there. Setting a password on the pc will do nothing to prevent him from doing what he wants. He's not a child. He can use a friends pc, a smart phone, a work pc, buy another pc, visit adult book shops with viewing booths, pick up a mag at the circle k, or use a landline to call chat lines.

If he wants to look at personals he can do it, setting a password just makes you seem controlling and offers no real security that he's not doing it.

If its talking dirty he misses, is that something you would consider doing for him? Do you feel that you two are satisfied sexually? I mean a totally sexually satisfied man will still do this kinda junk even if his own woman is a porn star in the bed... but im just curious if he is sexually satisfying all of your needs/wants/fantasies... and if you are trying to do that for him.

I'll give guys an out about lying when it comes to porn. I know lying is never good... but there is a lot at play with that. One, a lot of guys feel shame when looking at porn, even if no one knows the are doing it. Yep, they do it anyway :P, but still feel shame and are prone to lie about it even if they are literally caught with their pants down.

Sounds like the two of you need to have a talk about bounderies, what is okay with you and whats not. If he likes dirty talk, maybe him reading sexy magazine stories can fill that need and he doesn't need to chat with live women. If porn's okay, tell him that... tell him what specifically it is that he is doing that bothers you, WHY it bothers you, what you are worried about specifically.

Give him a chance to calm your fears and figure out for himself why he needs/wants that. Find out what he will /wont bend on and ask yourself if its a compromise you are willing to make.

Do you feel special and loved, wanted? Are you getting as much sex as you need? Is he?

**Sarah219** · 02-17-2010 04:15 PM

Thanks for the reply!

He was just looking and chatting on online personals from girls that are all over the country. I have talked to him about meeting up with girls, and its something that he said he would never do. Its something that is entertaining to him and something that he just likes to look at. He's never called a sex line.

I always thought that the password on the computer was helping, but it wasn't. It just made me look crazy and gave me a false sense of security.

I do talk dirty to him since we did have this happen. We do have a great sex life. We satisfy each other. I try to do so much to make sure he is happy. I have done things that I thought I would never do because I knew that it was something that he wanted to try.

I have told him that I am ok with him looking at porn, I am not crazy about it, but I know its something that he likes watching and don't want to take that away from him. I have told him that looking at the personals are not ok at all because these are real girls that don't have any regard for anyone's relationships, just that they get the quick 5 minutes that they want.

I asked him why he lied about looking at porn in the past, and he has said its because he is embarrassed and ashamed that he does it but he feel like its something that he can't help.

I do feel loved, and I love him and show him that. I just want to be able to trust him with everything again and I am really trying. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy.

**stressed** · 02-17-2010 04:50 PM

I get the feeling that he means what he says, that he just finds it entertaining to look and chat without it wanting to lead to anything more. Still, dirty talking with a real person is not the same as just watching porn and forgetting about it once you're done. These are real people, he probably gets semi-erections by those talks and looks at real people. Are you comfortable with that? If not, explain to him that you're alright with porn, but you are not alright with him being involved with 'real' people. Meeting or not, these girls are out there and can be accessible (whether he pursues more or not, that is a fact).

It seems like he is not afraid of discussing this with you, so you can solve this with addressing all the good points.

As for trusting him, I think your worse problem is the chatting with these girls. Ask him to delete his account there, check if he has (in front of him, why not) and then don't bother anymore about it. If he wanted something more from that place he would have deleted the history. The fact that he didn't shows that he didn't feel he was doing something wrong, but was just having fun.

p.s. Install Internet Explorer 7, not 8. Not that you should check his history, it won't solve the problem and I don't recommend it, but just so he knows that you can check it if you want to and he can't lie about it. As he's already lied twice.

**Sarah219** · 02-18-2010 03:35 AM

I do think that is mainly it is solely for entertainment, but a part of me questions that since he had been hiding it from me and has lied about it in the past. I did have him delete the account that I did know about, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have another one that he is hiding from me. I caught him on the adult personals site one night, that is how I found out about it. There was nothing in the history, which makes me question. That night, we had a huge fight. He said that it almost feels like he may be addicted to porn and that he is very ashamed of it but feels almost like he doesn't have control over what he does sometimes. He said that when it comes to these things, he doesn't always think with his head.

I tell him that I would much rather him look at porn than go on an adult personals site. I don't get mad when he looks at porn, its the personals that get me mad because they are real girls that have the potential of causing a problem. The porn doesn't negatively effect our sex life or anything. The personals chat is the thing that causes the problem, I don't even have proof that he is still doing it but it makes me think that he is just because I have been lied to in the past. I just want to be able to trust him again.

**newintown<3** · 02-18-2010 01:36 PM

In my opinion, trust is the absolute number one most important thing in a relationship. Have you told him that you feel you can't trust him? I know you set the password and that pretty much shows that you don't, but you should sit him down and tell him straight out that you don't trust him and that that is a major problem for you (it seems like it is, as I think it should be). See how he reacts to that, does he care that there is a lack of trust? If this hurts him and he shows that he wants to earn you trust again, than I would say work on it and probably get into counseling. If he just hears you say that and it doesn't really affect him (i.e. he doesn't really care that you don't trust him) I think that is a major relationship issue and you may not be able to work any of this out. In order to fix this problem, he is going to have to want your trust and then he can earn it back by not talking to these girls but you can't make him want your trust.

The other thing is, I know that him watching porn is not a problem for you as long as he is not actually interacting with these real girls, but from what you said, it seems like HE actually has a problem with it. You said: "He said that it almost feels like he may be addicted to porn and that he is very ashamed of it but feels almost like he doesn't have control over what he does sometimes." It seems like he doesn't even really like doing it but he just does it (probably to just to ejaculate) and then is ashamed by it. The fact that he doesn't have control over something that he is ashamed of makes me think that he definitely needs couseling about this. Even though it is okay with you, it sounds like its not okay with him. To me, this sounds like something that you can work out in counseling. I have a feeling he will want your trust and that he will want to try to stop, but he will need help.

**micejourneys1** · 03-08-2010 08:20 AM

I too went thru that situation and I can assure you that he may be seeing this girls in person- one way to find out- is to monitor without him knowing- the mileage on his car- find out how much mileage it takes to get to and from his employment and go from there- sorry about your situation

**MissMeSha810** · 03-17-2010 06:41 PM

Hey sweets. My opinion on the subject is that maybe the two of you should try to meet each other half way.Talk things out and see if there is a way that you can both get what you want. Maybe watching porn together will make him feel less uncomfortable about it. At the same time make him aware of you disagreement and the limitations of which the porn sights should be utilized. You guys sound like you have a good relationship, it just needs some tweeking. Stay strong sister and good luck to you.

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