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Good for you!!
My man has actually quit porn
I don't know, I feel really good right now and I feel like I owe it to my fiance, even if he doesn't come here, to say something good about him after complaining so much about him since last summer, about his porn habits, trust issues, websites and so on.
We had a silly argument last night and just a while ago we had a long discussion about how things have improved for the better, after 2 years of h*ll.
Regarding porn, he told me by himself that he doesn't think about it like he used to, that it's become a rare thought and even when he does have it he doesn't feel like he "has to watch" like he used to in the beginning. I've mentioned here before that I don't care anymore whether he watches or not, and I don't check to find out like I used to. He didn't explain why, just said that since everything goes so well between us and since we've started discussing more about how to improve our sex life he doesn't approach it in the same way as he used to. When he did at times he just did only because he knew I was uncomfortable with it and did it so he wouldn't feel controlled, that it was his choice and not mine. But now he's realized that the point was not for me to have it my way and now even he doesn't think about it like he used to.
So, there you go guys, men CAN quit porn and they basically watch it often only because it's a habit, not because their genes tell them to. With proper communication problems are solved by themselves over time. No need for the one to impose porn when the other feels hurt by it, nor for the other to demand an non-porn policy. It's just solved one day.
I've also posted about finding that he had logged on to a website he said he has quit (2 years ago), I actually mentioned today that I knew when he went there the last time (said I had known for months, instead of days, but it was a white lie). Today he showed me by himself a couple of emails he got yesterday from people who he used to talk with (they thought he was dead as they hadn't heard from him), as proof that he doesn't go there anymore. I knew he wasn't but it just felt so nice that I was right about trusting him. For once I was right for a good thing and shows that changes can be made for the better if they're worth it.
This is probably just a silly thread I've made here, but I don't know, I've only been negative about him here that I just wanted to say that positive changes can and do happen in couples. That working hard on a relationship, no matter how one-sided it can feel for a while, can be worth it. That a lot is about timing, patience and faith. That communication in every level is truly the key for a good relationship.
And I just want to wish good luck to everyone, no matter what relationship problems they have. If you are with a man/woman who is right for you, in every level, then you will solve all your problems together. Some times it can take a while, it can take months or even years, but things CAN and DO work out
p.s. I haven't slept all night, so excuse me for acting a little bit "odd" by posting this.
Good for you!!
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
That is good to hear stressed. My guy has also stopped with the porn , for a few months now. I've not seen a sighting of it in quite some time (other than a time or two we've indulged together), and like you... have stopped looking for it a while back. Our sex life has improved 150%. It was always good, but now its amazing. I finally feel as desired and wanted and necessary as I'd always hoped for.
I still get sad sometimes when I think about how things use to be along time ago... and my trust wavers and I wonder if he is doing it still, but with the way he treats me I have no reason to believe that he is.
My biggest problem was feeling like I was coming in second place to fantasies, that me and my needs weren't as important as his needs... and he has changed that around so entirely.
When I first got upset about porn, he didn't see how porn could possibly be causing a problem... but now that its all but out of the picture and things with us are so good, sex is awesome and I am happy, and he is happy -- I'm sure its as evident to him as it is to me that him going without it, or cutting back drastically has made us move forward to a much better sex life, and a happier relationship.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Great to hear.From both of you.
I'm so happy for you!Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork
Isn't it wonderful when they understand why we are bothered by it and feel happy even without it? Plus they focus more on sex and makes us look forward to it even more.
Like you, I also feel a lot more confident and wanted now. He even gives me daily compliments, whereas before he was just "oh, what you're wearing is nice. can you make me some coffee now? I've got to check something" (after hours and hours of planning from my end going to waste).
It's not that we had to check to find what was wrong, it showed on them right away. Whether they need or want something or if they feel guilty about something, it's impossible not to notice. And now that they see how much happier we are it also makes them happy and they don't want to risk that.
I was just a little surprised that he told me by himself, as I thought that since we hadn't talked about it in a while and since I didn't think about it there could have been a chance he still did, even if things have been so good that if he wouldn't tell me I'd never know. Last time we argued about it, months ago, I told him "you want to look because I'm not enough for you and I'll never be enough for you". I think that got him as he didn't answer back (he always does) and didn't mention anything since then.
Certainly, we may still wonder about it at times and let doubts take over ("he's done it before, why wouldn't he do it again?") but as long as both are happy and feel wanted then we know that we've at least solved the majority of the problem.
Positve things are fantastic to read.
Seems to me that "love" concurs all...
In that I mean both of you have people in your lives that truly love you and with that love, the Porn all of a sudden wasn't the same thing anymore, wasn't important anymore, nor were any sites...
But, I also suspect that your giving that back to your fella's and then some
Congrats both of you.
Stressed, quit with the questions "what if?"..
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
While I agree with you that it is possible for men to quit watching porn, this rather unscientific situation by no means begins to quantify any type of reason as to why guys want to watch it in the first place. Your guy is one guy, and one guy alone. And what he tells you may or may not be a reflection of men as a whole....as it also may not be 100% accurate.
And.....reading back among the porn posts....it wasn't the men searching for the reasons why we want to watch porn, it was the women. We know why we crave porn and we were telling you all why...but you guys didn't understand or didn't want to understand our honest answers.
Agreed.And I just want to wish good luck to everyone, no matter what relationship problems they have. If you are with a man/woman who is right for you, in every level, then you will solve all your problems together. Some times it can take a while, it can take months or even years, but things CAN and DO work out
And I'm glad things are working out for you.
I never found a definitive reason for why my one man watched porn as much as he did before I started feeling neglected. But I don't recall you guys giving a group decision as to why you do it either. Everyone had something different to say about it here on these forums. I've learned that some of you:
1. Watch it because that is what men do, no other reason necessary
2. For visual stimulation, to help get the penis to wake up when your alone and WANT to be arroused.(personally, I find this a bit like trying to shove a loaf of bread down your tummy when you are already full just cause it tastes good-- if you got to force yourself to get an erection just so you can masturbate - pffft :P)
3. For variety, hey we all want variety, we're men, its better that we watch porn than cheat
4. Because women use dildos
If there were some I missed, please catch me up ! Like you said to stressed, our guys are one guy, err two guys. No scientific study... just two women saying when our guys were active porn users, they didn't want sex so often, didn't treat us like we were desired.... dropped their porn use and our sex lives improved along with the overall feelings of being loved... nope not science... just two chicks that shared an experience, and have had the same results.
Like I said I never got a definitive answer from my guy as he varied on what he would say for why he watched, obviously its not a comfortable thing for a guy to talk about porn/masturbation habits.... and rightly so -- I mean it IS a person thing, the only reason it became a couples issue was the overindulgence in that personal thing at the cost of neglecting the shared thing.
My guess for why, based on various things he told me was that he just didn't always feel up for sex when horny... that he had this notion that he had to impress me everytime we did it, so he'd avoid it if he felt he wasn't going to be mr. wonderful in bed. Well once he understood that, to me, he's mr. wonderful 24/7 - whether its a quickie or a lenghty session... its the intimacy I need. He got it. And everything changed for the better
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Variety.
You forgot number 5. To make women bitter.
And voila. Same thing with me. I gave up porn and I'm enjoying a better sexual relationship too.
Your guess is overanalyzed and I'd bet inaccurate. If he was trying to be superman in bed, and he's a once a day kinda guy, he'd hold off on the self pleasing. Please refer to the first word I wrote in this post. It's just that this word is much easier to state over the internet to complete strangers....than it is to say to your girlfriend in person.My guess for why, based on various things he told me was that he just didn't always feel up for sex when horny... that he had this notion that he had to impress me everytime we did it, so he'd avoid it if he felt he wasn't going to be mr. wonderful in bed. Well once he understood that, to me, he's mr. wonderful 24/7 - whether its a quickie or a lenghty session... its the intimacy I need. He got it. And everything changed for the better
Oh I don't doubt that variety plays its role in it..like I originally said his responses to why were varied.. from being bored, to curious, cause guys like to look , to cause he is not gay and likes looking at naked women, to dozens of other things that came out over time and various arguments.
But it became clear to me, that he had some insecurity issues of his own when it came to pleasing me. He admitted to feeling sexually inadequate at times, even though, to me, he is the most adequate man I could dream of. Sometimes he'd come very quickly and I think he thought that was something that made the experience less pleasurable for me, It didn't. I love sex with him whether long or short. If he was tired he would feel guilty about me pleasuring him and then not wanting anything back in return. He was feeling like if he wasn't in the mood to go all out he didn't want to go there at all.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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