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Thread: He told me that I was fat and unattractive.

  1. #1
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    Default He told me that I was fat and unattractive.


    My husband and I had a baby 7 months ago. He has always been very into fitness and staying in shape. We both eat well and while pregnant, I only gained 25lbs. When my husband gets mad before, during and after my pregnancy, he will call me names like "fatass", "fat pig", he will tell me I'm gross and so many other horrible things. But he would always apologize later and say that he didn't mean that, he was just trying to hurt me because he was mad. Finally, the other day he was just honest and he told me that he just was not into women that looked like me. He said I wasn't attractive and I shouldve worked harder over the last 7 months to lose the weight. I weigh 140 now, I am not huge. I didn't get upset at him because I asked him to please be honest. I could not take the wondering anymore. But I am absolutely heartbroken. I think about it 24hrs a day. I cant eat, I cant sleep. I cant take my clothes off without crying. I love him and I am attracted to him. I could honestly just die. This is the worst I have ever been hurt in my life, bar none. I am working hard on getting skinny because I don't know what else to do. I would love him no matter what he looked like. I am embarrassed to even write this because I have not read anything this bad on here yet. Please don't offer the advice to leave him. Believe me, I think about that a lot. But, we have a tiny baby whom I cannot yet support on my own and I just don't want to because I adore him. Also, my husband is like Jekyll and Hyde. 90% of the time he is nice and fun and wonderful to me and our son. But when it is bad, it is soooo bad. I do think part of it can be attributed to post traumatic stress from his time serving in the U.S. Army. His temper is so unpredictable. I'm not sure. And let me be clear, I am no angel. I have done things and said things that I am not proud of as I am sure most of us have. But, he says things to me that even the lowest of people do not deserve. I just don't know how to go on and how to begin healing from this.......

  2. #2
    Junior Member Array MissAshley's Avatar
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    Omg that's terrible! I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Have you thought about seeing a therapist or going to marriage counseling?

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    Some people think (mistakenly so) that by insulting someone, berrating them for their weight is going to motivate them. It generally yeilds the opposite results. Its positivity and support that push people to be their best, not having someone make them feel terrible.

    I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I couldn't imagine the hurt I'd feel if the man I loved said the things the man you love has said to you.

    Losing weight to appease him, however, won't help him to feel better about you, nor will it help you to feel better about him. Even if you got skinnier than ever, those words he said will ring in your head. And if he is letting 10-15 pounds keeping him from being 'attracted' to you... how is going to feel as you age, if you got a scar, etc... if his attraction to you can waver over such a few extra pounds... in all honesty he's just one of those guys that doesn't isn't going to be pleased with your appearance whenever it isn't picture perfect.

    You have your baby to think about, your future, as well as your love for this man that you want to make things work with. I find it very brave of you to be able to face him and stick this out -- I have to admit I would have ran away crying and not been able to deal with that harsh critism.

    But I do know love, and I do know all the hope and faith and conviction to stick it out even if the universe and the person themself is saying something just isn't right.

    If you can find the happiness with him the majority of the time than its worth it... but if you find yourself losing yourself to his wishes there will be a point that you realize that this one life we have (that we know of) should be spent in an enviornment more conducive to your happiness and overall emotional well-being.

    I don't think all hope is lost with him. I think that he has a great deal of maturing to do, a great deal of understanding he needs to come to in order to be a better man, a better husband.

    Keep your chin up. Focus on your own health, get fit for YOU first, him SECOND. And realize that I am sure most men would be very happy, excited by and attracted to you at your size right now. That they would think your husband is a lucky man and would shake their head at how he takes your appearance for granted. If he doesn't realize it, maybe he will , hopefully soon.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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    Joy
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    Well you should really support him in getting some help with PTSD - i'm sure he is hurting and not know how to deal with it but thru aggression. That would break my heart too - Keep working out and eating right because without eating right it will take a long time to lose the weight and you will just put it back on if you starve yourself thin and then take up eating again. You need to be strong and healthy for you and your baby.

    Next time ask him to be honest but leave the brutal out of it.

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    140 is not fat, unless you are only like 3 feet tall.

    unless he was like this before he served, he does need help for the PTSD.

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    And the other thing is that I have tried very hard to continue to put on makeup and fix my hair and wear pretty clothes and even pretty pajamas. I did not want to be one of those women that has a baby and then just let's herself go. I knew he would not like that and I didn't want that either. I even did my makeup in the hospital the morning after I had him! I mean I have been trying! Sometimes he can be a real stickler about money as well. So, I rarely buy myself anything. I am not a shopper. And, honestly, I would rather spend the money on things that my husband or son need. Taking care of them makes me happy. However if I wear anything that looks tattered on worn, he will tell me that it makes him want to vomit or something like that. Then again if I were an avid shopper, I would be in constant trouble about the money thing. I never buy anything for myself and still any and every money issue gets blamed on me some how. I feel like I can't win. I also feel like there is no point in even trying to look nice the way I am now. Because, he doesn't like me anyway.

    After he said all of that horrible stuff to me the other day. I went out and spent $300 on various beauty items and workout clothes. I would NEVER do that normally and would feel guilty if I did. But, I figured that usually when most men do something half that mean, it costs them some money to make up for it! I deserved that stuff and he didn't say anything mean about the money. Which was nice of him. He is a great provider for our family. I work, but he makes most of the money.

    The last thing is that he seems as if he may feel a little bit bad or guilty or something. But he has not really tried to makeup for it at all. He's done nothing overwhelmingly nice. He has not tried to talk to me. I honestly believe that he would rather me suffer silently as long as he didn't have to apologize or talk about it. Maybe he does realize how badly I am hurt? I mean....if it were not for my son....I don't know that I could deal with this pain anymore. My father-in-law is flying in tonite and he knows about some issues that we've had in the past. I think I might just talk to him and see what he thinks. Everyone in his family seems to think he will never really change or care that much about any of us.

    I love him and I just wish that I had the comfort of knowing that he loved me just as much. But will that ever happen? I just don't know.....I am so sad.

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    WH MODERATOR Array Beautiful Disaster's Avatar
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    I would be inclined to think that if it was PTSD his family would be concerned about it too...ya know like "His behavior has changed so much since deployment....something must be wrong". But you said they don't seem to think he'll ever change...and that makes me think this is not new behavior for him. And if it's not, the likelihood that you will ever change it is very very slim.

    Most importantly, YOU are being ABUSED. Emotional/verbal abuse can leave scars that go far deeper than physical abuse scars. It takes years and years to get past, it affects your family, your friendships, your kids lives.

    A guy I dated for only a year was verbally abusive...and let me tell you I still have wounds to this day. In my case, living with him was SO stressful. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, just like you said. One minute he was passionate and loving, and the next he was literally IRRATE because there were no clean spoons, or I had hung his pants up the wrong way. Point is, my life was a rollercoaster. I lost 5 lbs. Suddenly he started telling me I was "too skinny", and that he liked women with more curves. He made me feel disgusting. I fixated on it, increased my calories, made protein shakes every day, researched other ways to gain weight. The more I fixated,the more weight I lost, the more unhealthy I got, and the more disgusting I felt. I wanted to do ANYTHING to make him happy, I wanted so desperately for him to love me and find me beautiful and sexy. Nearing the end of that year from h**ll, I found out he was not only cheating on me (he was more physically attracted to her he said), but was also popping pills. Point is, I literally stressed myself to the point of being unhealthy and unhappy, just to make this guy love me....and in the end NOTHING I did made any difference.

    Crying won't help. Sulking won't help. Men like that smell weakness and they will eat it alive. It's time to "grow a pair" and PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your future and the future of your child, because he will RUIN you if he keeps this up. And if he ruins you......he'll ruin your child too.

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    Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Array PJhavinfunagain's Avatar
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    You and your child should not be subjected to this kind of treatment. Get out and get happy for you and your child. If it is meant to be he will get help and come back to you. He will continue to be like this and there is nothing worse than hearing your child being bullied by their parent. You need to make a change.
    "When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us."
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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array Iseulda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
    I would be inclined to think that if it was PTSD his family would be concerned about it too...ya know like "His behavior has changed so much since deployment....something must be wrong". But you said they don't seem to think he'll ever change...and that makes me think this is not new behavior for him. And if it's not, the likelihood that you will ever change it is very very slim.

    Most importantly, YOU are being ABUSED. Emotional/verbal abuse can leave scars that go far deeper than physical abuse scars. It takes years and years to get past, it affects your family, your friendships, your kids lives.

    **snip**....and in the end NOTHING I did made any difference.

    Crying won't help. Sulking won't help. Men like that smell weakness and they will eat it alive. It's time to "grow a pair" and PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your future and the future of your child, because he will RUIN you if he keeps this up. And if he ruins you......he'll ruin your child too.
    Werd to this. I've been there too and I also think, from what you've said, that you are in an abusive relationship. Beautiful Disaster has it spot on, nothing you can do will ever be right or make him happy. He is stuck in a very bad place and he is responding the way many people do and trying to drag you in there with him. At the moment he is succeeding. He doesn't know he's doing it - he's probably hurting just as much as you. He can't help it but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

    You need to stand up to him. Tell him that you won't take this kind of treatment and mean it. You will be doing a huge favour to both yourself and to him. I left it way too late to save my marriage and anyway my ex flatly refused to believe he needed help. Perhaps your husband can get the help he needs and will accept it. Therapy, counselling, a support group - whatever help the military or local healthcare can offer.

    Quote Originally Posted by PJhavinfunagain View Post
    You and your child should not be subjected to this kind of treatment. Get out and get happy for you and your child. If it is meant to be he will get help and come back to you. He will continue to be like this and there is nothing worse than hearing your child being bullied by their parent. You need to make a change.
    PJ is also right in that you need to get yourself happy for your child's sake. Your son is only 7 months old so there's not much your husband can say to him to hurt him now, but that will change. I watched my ex start taking out his frustrations on our child as she grew. He'd punish her out of proportion to the offence, interpret her behaviour as malicious when really she was just being a toddler and punish her further, externalise his own fears of bullying on to her and then punish her for not telling him about the bullying she wasn't really suffering at school... and it was getting worse. That's the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I could take any amount of his abuse if he was a wonderful dad, but he wasn't.

    The other thing he did in relation to our child was assign blame for our weakening relationship to my relationship with her - it seems to me he was jealous of her, resentful. That's a bad sign. If your husband is blaming the baby for your relationship woes (or some of them) you really need him to talk someone about that.

    I don't agree with PJ that the only way to fix it is to leave him. If he will accept help you can get through this. Please remember that appeasing him is NOT helping him. It actually makes it worse because he will push it further and further. Standing up to him may or may not help him but it WILL help you. I wish you the best of luck, I hope it works out for you both.
    Now let us sport us while we may; / And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
    Rather at once our time devour, / Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
    Let us roll all our strength, and all / Our sweetness, up into one ball;
    And tear our pleasures with rough strife / Thorough the iron gates of life.
    Thus, though we cannot make our sun / Stand still, yet we will make him run.

  10. #10
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    i agree that your husband sounds abusive, he also sounds mean and shallow. you just had his baby and he is worrying that you dont look like a movie star. also as someone pointed out 140 pounds is not fat its only 63kgs! it is also not a good sign if your husband seems jealous of your child. i havent really got any advice, but counselling does sound good.

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