Cruel HusbandCu

**Marcella** · 03-09-2010 01:01 PM

I have been with my husband for 5 years. Of those 5 years we have been married for 3 years. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I am currently 9 weeks pregnant. I have put so much into our relationship that I feel I cannot let him go. He is desperately trying to hurt me and push me away. He has been texting and talking with other girls for years. He says they are all just "friends" but he knows it makes me uncomfortable. I have asked him not to carry on these relationships with other women and he makes it very clear that if I make him chose he will leave me. He goes to school full time and uses school as an excuse to stay out until 2am. Saying he is "studying". Now he has moved out because he says he hates having to "put up with me nagging him". He goes weeks without asking about our daughter. And when I asked him to attend a baby doctor appointment with me to check the progress of the new baby he said "No, I could care less". He says the meanest things to me and calls me every name in the book. He tells me that he would rather live on the streets than live with me. And Even after all this stuff he is putting me through I am nice to him. I love him with all my heart even though he is so cruel. I feel like for the last 5 years I have been spending my time waiting for my turn to be with him. He has taken trips out of town with friends and wont take my calls when he is gone. While I am here at home with his little girl. I dont want to raise these kids alone without a dad. I feel like I cannot go on anymore.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-09-2010 01:12 PM

It sounds like he isn't much of a husband, and never has been. It seems like you've been holding, and continue to hold on to the mirage of a husband. He doesn't treat you with respect, he doesn't spare your feelings, he doesn't take an interest in his children, he doesn't even want to live with you.

Other than the fear of the unkown I've got to ask you what are you holding on to? Is there ever a moment that you feel loved by this man? Feel protected? Feel special? Feel adored, cherished? honoured? I don't think he understands what being a husband means and because of that has distorted your views on what you should be willing to accept.

I know you don't want to raise these kids on your own, but it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing anyway...

There is nothing that is going to change this man, at least not anything YOU can do to change him. One day he may realize and change... but thats not all that likely from what you've said here.

Do you have family and friends to lean on during this pregnancy? If you do, please lean on them. You don't have to be miserable and alone and MARRIED. You can be miserable and alone and SINGLE.... then lean on the laughter and love of your children and family/friends and soon you will no longer miserable or alone, just single....

And having that vacancy leaves room for someone else to enter your heart and give you happiness you deserve, to enrich your life as it is, not drag you through the mud.

I'm not advising you leave him, I'm advising you consider moving on with your life since it seems that is exactly what he is doing? I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You're worth more than this, you know it.

**Joy** · 03-09-2010 01:58 PM

There are worst things in life than being alone - I'm sorry he is so cruel and can treat you this way. It is him not you - this is how low he feels about himself and you are an extention of him - so he doles out the external abuse to you. I know you love this man but Love yourself and your children.

One day he may grow up and realize what he threw away so carelessly without a second thought. Until then it doesn't matter how nice you are to him. Save the nice for yourself and move forward with your life.

I got out of an abusive relationship just last fall - 5years He "wanted to build alife togethr" but made bad choices at everyturn. Eventually I stopped believing in him - he never had my best interests at heart. The final decision is when the verbal abusive turned physical in our last 3 months together. I am worth so much more than that. He has had the courage to ask me to move home and I couldn't - I can not even trust in the fact that in a year's time that I wouldn't be kicked out again, or that he would never hit me again, or there wouldn't be constant verbal abuse. He now goes around acting like the victim.

I hope the best for you that he seeks cousilling and gets better but until he makes that choice - love yourself, your children that you have been blessed with and move on. You are worth it

**WildChild** · 03-09-2010 02:48 PM

I would really like for you to explain just what keeps you there?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-09-2010 05:03 PM

Marcella this is such a tough time for you, and being pregnant with an abundance of hormones doesn't help I'm sure. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now, or ever for that matter. But lets take some focus off of him (he treats you like dirt...) and put some of it on you (you not only let him, but are willing to tolerate it just to have him). First tell us what it is about this man you love?

Second, let me tell you that all this suffering you're going through pales in comparison to the confusion, hurt, and suffering your children will go through if you stay in this situation. You have in your hands right now the capability of creating generations of happiness....but you also have the capability of creating generations of unhappy unhealthy relationships. You have a beautiful little girl...that will before you know it be a young woman...what kind of relationship do you want her to have? How would you feel if you saw her in a relationship like the one you're in? Do you want her one day to say "Yeah..he's horrible to me...treats me like dirt.....but Dad did the same to you and you stayed" ??? And is it truly the kids growing up without their faither you're concerned with, or is it you being alone you're concerned with? Because truly, you should be more concerned with the kids growing up seeing their father treat you so badly.

So lets focus on whats truly important at this point: you and your kids. What is it about being alone you're scared of? What is it about him you'd miss the most? Then tell me some things about him not being around that you'd enjoy the most.

**Messymiss** · 03-09-2010 07:18 PM

Oh Marcella. I am nearly in tears reading your story. I just want to tell you to get the out of this relationship as I can only see a life of pain for you. I know that is easier said than done as I have stayed with a man that cheated on me 20 years ago and there is not a day goes by that I dont think about it. It is when we have kids that we feel we have to keep the marriage together for their sake and my husband is a good loveing husband and a great father. It sounds like yours is neither of those things. Please be strong for yourself. You have friends here who will help you and talk to you. You deserve so much better than this life and so does you children. Please do it tough for a while as in the end you will open a door to a better life for you and your beautiful family. Mes xxx

**Marcella** · 03-09-2010 11:24 PM

Thanks everyone so much. This is exactly what I needed. I feel like you all know exactly how I feel and it made me feel so much better readin everyones responses. In answer to the question "what makes me want to stay" I really dont know other than, my dad chose alcohol and partying over me and my mom when I was 7 months old. I made a promise to myself when I was young that I would never get a divorce because I remember how horrible it felt watching everyone esle have thier normal relationships with thier dads...and I missed my dad always. Also Sophia (my 2 year old daughter) is constantly telling me she misses daddy. And I hate thinking about the fact that if he leaves, he is eventually going to have more kids and she will feel replaced as did I with my father. He can replace her, but she cant ever replace him. I know this isnt what I want for my children and I have been selfish. I am not proud of it. And I hate that I love him. He has this hold over me and he knows it. I guess another reason why I stay is because the whole time he has been going out with his friends and other women. And going to school, I kept telling myself that someday will be my turn. Some day he will grow up and I want to be the one he is with when that happens. I wanted to grow old with him and have his kids and check off our bucket list together. But I am realizing that this was a pseudo-marriage. It was all in my head and its time to let go. I just dont even know where to start. He has been my life for 5 years.

**MissMeSha810** · 03-17-2010 06:17 PM

Hey sweets. To be completely honest, it is better to raise your children without a daddy, than to raise them with one who doesn't act like one. My father was a womanizer, a crack head and a sorry excuse for a daddy. He cheated on my mother for years and was hardly ever home...even though he lived with us!!! Most little girls grow up thinking " When I get married... well I grew up thinking "When I have kids, I will not treat them like this!!!" I ended up having two children with a man WHO WAS JUST LIKE MY DEAD BEAT FATHER....nine and a half awful years of being disrespected and cheated on until I realized the ugly truth. Long story short, I left him and ended up marrying a wonderful man that I had my third child with and loves me and my children as if they were all his. Stay strong sister and I'm here for you, we all are.

**sourpuss** · 03-17-2010 11:31 PM

What are the things that you love about him? Can you list 8-10 different things?

There are worse things than getting a divorce. You have to consider allowing your children to grow up in an environment where they are watching a man treat their mother horribly, and her allowing it. Do you really want to teach your daughter that that is ok? Personally, I think the best thing a parent can teach a little girl is that she can do it alone, that she doesn't need a man, or anyone else to get through life.

Sometimes staying is worse, that's all I'm trying to say.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2010 02:21 AM

Marcella, I hope your still with us.

"I had a dream" remember that saying?

That's what we all have and the last thing we want is to repeat history and so we stay, we suffer... But so do your children... Remember that.. As sourpuss stated and I am sure others, they will be affected, they will feel what you did as a child, see what you saw as a child, anything is better than that, for them.

Be strong.... Your 3 and a bit months pregnant to a man whom wants to be free, doesn't respect you, doesn't love his kids, or you, in my opinion.

Your young I imagine... You wanted a different life for your children, that means laughter, fun, happiness. Give that to them.. Walk....

Another beautiful soulful person WILL walk into your life, when the Universe allows it and you will have your wish.....

Doesn't matter how old the children are, 6, 8, what matters is that you all have love and happiness in the meantime.

CW

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