Hard to admit

**Mark1973** · 03-15-2010 01:10 AM

I have not been a very good husband, and now my wife wants complete control of our marriage.

I can think of times she wasn't the greatest wife in the world.

Now over the phone in our usual 3 am conversation she tells me I better be up waiting on the couch for her when she gets home at 6 am to discuss things. Discuss what???? I am not liking this.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-15-2010 01:47 AM

I think you might be overreacting just a tad from the information you have given us. In what aspects is she trying to control your whole marriage? Her asking you to stop masturbating is the only thing you've said she has tried to control.... and yes asking you to stop masturbating is very controlling but given the circumstances she probably feels totally helpless and hurt at this point and is grasping at straws.

Obviously she can't make you stop masturbating... she can't make you have sex with her... all of that stuff is completely under YOUR control. She can ask you for both of those things , and in my opinion .. I don't think her asking you to get a handle of your sexual priorities is asking too much.

In what other ways do you feel she is trying to control you?

She is demanding to talk to you because she's probably reaching her breaking point, to me it seems. She has probably been frustrated with the lack of sex but hoping you'll come around. But finding you masturbating, learning you have the energy for that every day when you don't have it for sex has taken that frustration and turned into likely feeling lied to, cheated ... etc.

I think she wants to talk to you to try to work through this issue and probably re-hash much of what you have already heard us say, ask, about why you would neglect her needs while only thinking of your own?

She probably wants to get you to reach a point where you agree that , that just isn't very fair to do.. and for you to reach a compromise. Just because she is saying don't ever masturbate again, doesn't mean she means that exactly.

It was probably said and requested in haste and may continue to be said until she feels like you are desiring her as much as you are desiring sex with yourself. Trust that once she is feeling wanted by you, and having her own sexual needs met by you she will loosen up on how she feels about masturbation so long as you don't use it as a means to ignore her.

**Mark1973** · 03-15-2010 01:59 AM

You make great points. I think I may be over reacting due to I have been worried about this all day.I'll chill and wait.

**WildChild** · 03-15-2010 05:21 AM

I take it she works nights and you work days? Or is it the other way around?
I think HD makes some good points. It does sound like she is very frustrated and has probably been building steam over this. It may be difficult but try to hear what she has to say without being defensive or shutting down. She may get a bit hurtful, try not to take it too much to heart but rather hear the need behind the words.

Watch out you are starting to talk yourself into a trap. You went from, she's great and you'd do anything for her to, she's trying to control everything and hasn't always been the greatest wife in the world. No One is ever always, "the greatest". Don't try to defend your actions by attacking hers, it will only cause this to blow up and escalate. Instead, take this as her needing to vent, to blow off some steam so that the two of you can work things out.

For the most part we women are verbal processors and we can start in one place talking and seem to cover a lot of ground and appear to end up back where we started, but it is usually with a different understanding and feeling.

She is hurt. She has probably been feeling un/under loved, not very desirable, maybe has been wondering about your health or perhaps other activities. I can speak from experience, loving someone who prefers their hand to loving you, is very hurtful. It's like saying, I don't find interacting with you, touching you, loving you, worth my time or energy.

Listen. Find the need behind the words. Tell her how you feel about her. Don't try to "fix", let her tell you what she thinks she needs right now. Later you can negotiate right now you need to listen and stay open. Hear her and love her.

**happy ending** · 03-15-2010 05:26 AM

i completely agree with WC, even if your wife is saying things you dont particularly want to hear, listen with an open mind and heart. if you try to "win" this battle by belittling her or shouting she may well decide you arent worth the trouble and walk. you seem to worry a lot about control, is that the most important thing to you? or is your marriage? i am not trying to pick an arguement just giving you things to think about.

**Mark1973** · 03-15-2010 06:38 PM

Well we talked this morning and things are going to change a lot. I listened and appreciated evry thing she told me for 3 hours.

**WildChild** · 03-15-2010 06:45 PM

I'm sure that was difficult but hopefully worth it?

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-15-2010 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by Mark1973

Well we talked this morning and things are going to change a lot. I listened and appreciated evry thing she told me for 3 hours.

I'm glad you let her get everything off her chest. Sometimes its hard to listen to someone go on and on about how hurt they feel etc.... but letting them say it gets it out of their body. Not letting them express that leads to resentment, it oozes out in other ways until the boiling point is reached yet again.

3 hours may seem like a lot but how long have you been carrying on with disregaurding her needs for your own? It seems like she had months maybe years worth of frustration she had to spill.. 3 hours is reasonable.

Im glad you guys have had your talk and can start working towards a relationship that satisfieds you BOTH... brings you closer and makes you happier.

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