Need real advice - Totally lost in the woods!

**Nastaran** · 03-15-2010 04:19 PM

Hi,

I think I need a little bit of advise here, but let me introduce myself first:

I'm 28, have an engineering PhD and a great job... and I have had interest for both sexes since I was a kid.

Since 21, I have narrowed my same-sex interest to only one girl and we've been together till now. It's not hard to guess that I have strong feelings for her.

I've had a boyfriend for the last three years, and my friends told me that he's going to ask me to marry him... The more I think, the more I believe that I should say YES because he's been a very good partner and he's a very reliable man, needless to say that he has a bright future too. He's totally the kind of guy I'd like to be the father of my kids in the future.

well the only problem is that, he doesn't know about my girlfriend. And I know him well enough... if he knew, he wouldn't like it at all and he might even accuse me of cheating on him.

I'm really stuck in this, and I know that I don't have much time. I just can't forget about my girlfriend, there's only three options left for me:

1.
I can forget about him and say NO, and find someone else that would let me be open to these relationships. But I'll lose a great marriage opportunity.

2.
I can say YES, but keep the secret. and try to keep my relationship secret from him. But there's always a fear and possibility that he might find out.

3.
I can fill him in with everything, and ask him if he still wants to marry me, and also if he would let me have such a relationship. If both answers were positive I can say YES then.

I'm really stuck in this, so any help or advice would be much appreciated.

I'm sorry for my bad English, I'm not a native English speaker.

Nas

**Mes T** · 03-15-2010 04:45 PM

IMO option 2 is out the window. I'm sure you wouldn't want to create a life like that, full of lies and deceit. Disrespectful to both your man and your woman!

If you think he's not accepting of open relationships, then yes you are cheating on him, and in a big way. I think he deserves to know... because as much as you think he's a good fit for YOU, there might be someone out there who is better for HIM.

Hope that helps?

**p3375** · 03-15-2010 05:28 PM

N:

I'm sure you're not as confused as I was a few years ago. I knew I liked bein w/ girls from puberty. But, family, society expectations pushed me toward getn married to a man. Kinda an unwritten rule for 'girls' - they grow up, get married, have kids and become houswives. NOTHIN wrong with this. IF that's what U want. I didn't even think I had a choice when I was young. As I said, an unwritten rule or expectation.

So your question is: do I want to marry this (or another man)? Is that what I want?Or am I js driftin along with the river 'cause that's easiest to do?

soooo do you have another option to consider?

Option 4 - stay w/girl who you love?

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-15-2010 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by Nastaran

well the only problem is that, he doesn't know about my girlfriend. And I know him well enough... if he knew, he wouldn't like it at all and he might even accuse me of cheating on him.

If your boyfriend had another girlfriend for years that he did not tell you about that he did all the sexual things you and your girlfriend do with this woman... would you consider that cheating?

I'm not judging you it just seems like you are saying that he would be wrong in assuming you are cheating, that you some how don't see the secretive sexual relationship you have with another person as cheating.

If you feel that you absolutely must be with a woman AND a man and not commit to one or the other, while still having attractions to both sexes then you are going to need to tell him that.

Straight women are attracted to men, when they choose to commit to a man, they are still attracted to men... but they commit to ONE.

Being attracted to both sexes is not really meaning that a person has to have relations with both sexes at the same time... its creating a false loophole in monogomy... regaurdless of sexual orientation.

If you are a person that needs more than one person to be satisfied, be it 2 different men or 2 different women or 1 of each... its called polyamory and all parties should be signed up for the deal.

It would be a cruel thing to let this man marry you when he doesn't even know who you really are. Tell him and let him decide if wants to proceed. If he does, great, happy life ahead.

If he doesn't... the next time you fall in love with a man you might want to start early on letting him know what the situation is that way you can be free to live your life as you choose, having their support.

**Nastaran** · 03-16-2010 03:57 AM

Thanks all for your replies.

Originally Posted by Mes_T

IMO option 2 is out the window. I'm sure you wouldn't want to create a life like that, full of lies and deceit. Disrespectful to both your man and your woman!

If you think he's not accepting of open relationships, then yes you are cheating on him, and in a big way. I think he deserves to know... because as much as you think he's a good fit for YOU, there might be someone out there who is better for HIM.

Hope that helps?

You're right, It's absolutely wrong to keep such an important thing at the beginning of our marriage.

I haven't thought of it this way, maybe I was being selfish but that's a good point. He really deserves better than living in a life with secrets and deceits. I'm more confused now.

Originally Posted by p3375

N:

I'm sure you're not as confused as I was a few years ago. I knew I liked bein w/ girls from puberty. But, family, society expectations pushed me toward getn married to a man. Kinda an unwritten rule for 'girls' - they grow up, get married, have kids and become houswives. NOTHIN wrong with this. IF that's what U want. I didn't even think I had a choice when I was young. As I said, an unwritten rule or expectation.

So your question is: do I want to marry this (or another man)? Is that what I want?Or am I js driftin along with the river 'cause that's easiest to do?

soooo do you have another option to consider?

Option 4 - stay w/girl who you love?

Well, this is what I want. I've always dreamed of having kids with a family, and that's why I'm confused because now I can see that dream can become true, but I have dreams with my girlfriend too.

I've thought of this option 4, I really love to stay with my girlfriend for the rest of my life. She's a very important part of my life, we've been together for each other in the hardest parts of our lives for the past 8 years, so this option 4 is always in my mind.

But I love to have a family, I love to get married and have kids. I love to have a great husband. I think at this age I need a man in my life too.

I've booked an appointment with a marriage counselor this afternoon, I'm going to tell her everything and see her advice. Hope this can help me...

**Nastaran** · 03-16-2010 04:14 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

If your boyfriend had another girlfriend for years that he did not tell you about that he did all the sexual things you and your girlfriend do with this woman... would you consider that cheating?

I'm not judging you it just seems like you are saying that he would be wrong in assuming you are cheating, that you some how don't see the secretive sexual relationship you have with another person as cheating.

If you feel that you absolutely must be with a woman AND a man and not commit to one or the other, while still having attractions to both sexes then you are going to need to tell him that.

Straight women are attracted to men, when they choose to commit to a man, they are still attracted to men... but they commit to ONE.

Being attracted to both sexes is not really meaning that a person has to have relations with both sexes at the same time... its creating a false loophole in monogomy... regaurdless of sexual orientation.

If you are a person that needs more than one person to be satisfied, be it 2 different men or 2 different women or 1 of each... its called polyamory and all parties should be signed up for the deal.

It would be a cruel thing to let this man marry you when he doesn't even know who you really are. Tell him and let him decide if wants to proceed. If he does, great, happy life ahead.

If he doesn't... the next time you fall in love with a man you might want to start early on letting him know what the situation is that way you can be free to live your life as you choose, having their support.

About cheating I think you're right, if he's not OK with my relationship and I keep it secret from him then that's cheating.

To be honest the idea polyamory doesn't suite my situation. I have attractions to both sexes, but like you said I don't need to have relations with both at the same time. But here it is that I'm in love with my girlfriend, and it isn't just a sexual oriented relationship, I can't live without her and if it's not her then I don't care about any other girl. I've been having relationships with both her and him for the past three years and I was able to manage it, but marriage means far greater commitment and this worries me.

Almost whoever I consulted (including my girlfriend) advised me to tell him everything and let him decide if he still wants this, but I'm worried for him too. If he couldn't accept it then it will be difficult for him too, he spent the past three years with me without knowing that. I think I should have told him in the first months of our relationship. I wanted too but I was worried of the consequences.

I'll meet the counselor this afternoon, and if she advised me the same thing too, I'll tell him everything as soon as I can. My girlfriend is right, option 1 means losing this relationship, so why not tell him and let him decide.

Thanks all again

**rcoreyus** · 03-16-2010 07:53 AM

Am I understanding correctly that your girlfriend is OK with your marrying this man? If so, then option 3 seems by far the best. In general:

option 1: Not a bad choice. I haven't notice you saying that you love this man, only that he would be a good partner. You have a PhD in engineering, you don't need someone to support you. If you want children, there are various options with your current girlfriend (depending on where you live).

Option2: No - something that important in your life can't be kept secret and it will blow up in your face someday.

Option3: An OK plan. Is your girlfriend also Bi? The thought of being intimate with both of you would be a big plus for some men. If not, this could be a bit awkward if your husband and girlfriend wind up competing for your affections.

Option 4: Hm, you are with someone you love. I'm not sure you should risk losing that, maybe this is the best plan.

**WildChild** · 03-16-2010 08:05 AM

I was also struck by the absence of any indication of love or deep feelings for this man. Doesn't he deserve the opportunity to be with a woman who loves and truly desires him rather than one who thinks of him as, reliable, a good partner and a great marriage opportunity?

Telling him the truth is the only honorable thing to do. I also wonder, if you love your girl friend so deeply, why isn't being with her an option?

**pretzel** · 03-16-2010 08:15 AM

I'm tending to agree that she should be with the one she loves and leave the debate of whether it evolves into more of an open relationship or not should be discussed later.

I would like to point out that (and I'll assume for a moment you're in the US)many states are growing into the same sex marriage category. If you're looking for a legal contract, then if it's possible, why not marry her instead of him.

If you're more concerned about status and perceptions then maybe there's no option that would meet your criteria.

**Nastaran** · 03-16-2010 10:12 AM

Thank you again for your replies,

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Am I understanding correctly that your girlfriend is OK with your marrying this man? If so, then option 3 seems by far the best. In general:

option 1: Not a bad choice. I haven't notice you saying that you love this man, only that he would be a good partner. You have a PhD in engineering, you don't need someone to support you. If you want children, there are various options with your current girlfriend (depending on where you live).

Option2: No - something that important in your life can't be kept secret and it will blow up in your face someday.

Option3: An OK plan. Is your girlfriend also Bi? The thought of being intimate with both of you would be a big plus for some men. If not, this could be a bit awkward if your husband and girlfriend wind up competing for your affections.

Option 4: Hm, you are with someone you love. I'm not sure you should risk losing that, maybe this is the best plan.

Yes, my girlfriend is OK with my marriage but I'm not gonna lose her in any way. All of my options are based on the fact that I will continue my relationship with her.

I don't love him as much as I love my girlfriend, but I do care for him. It's not like I can't live without him but if I want to get married one day, I will not find a better opportunity. You're right, there's no deep love for him.

I don't really need someone to support me, I've been totally on my own for the past six years. My family are the religious type and they disowned me when they found out about my relationship with her (long story!), for the past four years I'm also supporting her because she's younger and she's currently studying her PhD.

My girlfriend is also Bi, but we have never had such a relationship. At some points each of us had our own boyfriends but never experienced someone being intimate with both of us. I'm not sure about this one.

Originally Posted by WildChild

I was also struck by the absence of any indication of love or deep feelings for this man. Doesn't he deserve the opportunity to be with a woman who loves and truly desires him rather than one who thinks of him as, reliable, a good partner and a great marriage opportunity?

Telling him the truth is the only honorable thing to do. I also wonder, if you love your girl friend so deeply, why isn't being with her an option?

I believe he deserves to know, I'm most probably going to tell him.

Me being with my girlfriend has always been an option for both of us for many years, and I can't afford to lose her.

Originally Posted by pretzel

I'm tending to agree that she should be with the one she loves and leave the debate of whether it evolves into more of an open relationship or not should be discussed later.

I would like to point out that (and I'll assume for a moment you're in the US)many states are growing into the same sex marriage category. If you're looking for a legal contract, then if it's possible, why not marry her instead of him.

If you're more concerned about status and perceptions then maybe there's no option that would meet your criteria.

I'm not in the US, I live in the UK. Here there's no same-sex marriage but there are civil partnerships which are almost identical to marriage.

I always wanted my kids to grow up in a normal family with mom and dad, rather than with two moms. But I always thought about marrying her if I couldn't find a good opportunity to marry a man.

I'm heading now to the councilor, will check here again at night.

Nas