He wants to go to poker nights

**stressed** · 04-28-2010 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by JadedQueen

Every couple needs time away. If you don't let him go or he doesn't go because he thinks you will be upset he will resent you for it. His friends will tell him that he is whipped and it just won't be a good situation for either of you. I suggest that you encourage him to go without you. Here's a thought, what about wives or girlfriends of the guys he is playing poker with? What do they do on poker night? Is there any chance that you can get together with them so that you aren't so dependent on your man as your only other means of human contact? I think if you encourge him to go he will make the right choice and not drink or if he does drink do it in moderation.

Well, I did encourage him, we went together (he did insist we go together, honestly), he did drink too much, his friends liked me a lot, but now they talk behind his back because he drank too much and got into an argument with one of them... If they thought there was a leash before they can understand why there was, even if there isn't any and he doesn't feel as if there is one anyway (which is what matters the most, that he doesn't feel I have him on a leash, we're not bothered about what the others think).

Although, I don't like that he said "if you hadn't come with me I wouldn't have drunk that much", which to me sounds more like an excuse. On the one hand he wanted me there, on the other he got into trouble because I was there and didn't tell him to stop drinking (?).

And most of them are single, so I couldn't get together with their wives/girlfriends. My man is also not my only means of human contact. I do socialize, I just don't have a clean-cut "friend" in this city, as no matter how close I am with his brother and consider him my best friend here, he's still his brother and I can't tell him everything.

So...

**JadedQueen** · 04-28-2010 09:29 AM

I can see your situation.... I was in a situation similar when I first got married (I was 17 when I got married and my hubby was 22) and all of his friends were single and since he was in the military we lived thousands of miles from home so it was kinda difficult since at that age my hubby and his friends wanted to drink and party and I wasn't even old enough to get into the bar.

Your husband shouldn't have blamed YOU because HE drank too much... he's a grown man and should know how to set his own limits and if he can't then he should abstain from drinking. For your sake I hope that it may have taught him a lesson and there won't be a repeat performance. From the way it sounds I don't think his friends will want a repeat performance so they may not be extending another poker night invite.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-28-2010 10:30 AM

Didn't you say he gets aggressive when he drinks?

I'm just wondering, seeing as "you" got on famously with them, whether he had a go at them, jealous

Never the less, you were there ,he knew that and he took the opportunity to go for it, which he knew he would do, so that means to me that he has a personality that says " I can get away with this" and does.

I'm disappointed to be honest that he "took advantage" of the situation and went beyond what he knew he "should do" 2 drinks.

But, I'm also feeling for him because, he "knew" he was going to do it... and so, he did.

I think there are in-securities in his nature.

And, in that, he can't help himself.. It's further in my opinion than just "drinking" rather, doesn't believe in himself... Work on that side... It's not the drink, it's his in-securities of himself.

CW

**sourpuss** · 04-28-2010 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by JadedQueen

Your husband shouldn't have blamed YOU because HE drank too much... he's a grown man and should know how to set his own limits and if he can't then he should abstain from drinking. For your sake I hope that it may have taught him a lesson and there won't be a repeat performance. From the way it sounds I don't think his friends will want a repeat performance so they may not be extending another poker night invite.

Exactly! His fault. And for some people, it's just a harsh reality that they can't have ANY alcohol, at all, ever. Your husband seems to be one of those people. He just needs to commit to that and be ok with it.

**caterpillar79** · 04-28-2010 03:31 PM

Lack of self control and discipline. I am quite down-hearted of the news that he did what he did and blamed you afterwards. Not good at all. He is acting like an 18 year old boy, no sense of responsibility at all. You seem like you have mothered him so much that he is now very dependent on you even for his (self)-control!

I admire your strength!

**KMonte85** · 04-28-2010 05:01 PM

Wow so the bright side of the bad night I mentioned earlier is not so bright now that I know he blamed you after the fact for his overindulgence of alcohol. That tells me that he really didn't learn anything, because part of learning from one's mistakes is owning those mistakes. And he's more inclined to blame you. So what has he learned then?

That excuse is absolutely ridiculous, I hope you know. And he should be made well aware of that fact too.

What a double edged sword... catch 22... you can't tell him NOT to go hang out with his friends because he'll become resentful that you're too controlling/mommy syndrome. But you let him hang out with his friends and then you're still the bad guy because you didn't control his actions during the night out. What the? My mind can't even get around this concept. I'm kind of at a loss here...

**stressed** · 04-29-2010 12:30 AM

We haven't talked about it at all since... Sunday? But I know what to tell him next time a drinking occasion comes up, and I won't be encouraging then. We didn't argue when he said that he wouldn't have drunk as much if I weren't there, I think he said that to get away from the promise of "two beers only". He wanted to drink more than 2 so he used this excuse as if saying "if you thought I was having too much you could have stopped me".

I'm not exactly sure what's going on in his head about it and I don't want to dig too much into it. Better deal with it when I have to. I know his sister has invited us to a party in a couple of months, but we've already agreed that we won't drink AT ALL (went to the same party last year and we didn't drink -I have to drive us there- but he did ask me if he could have one beer just for fun, but of course I said no, I can't risk us being ridiculed in a huge crowd of his relatives and friends, tyvm).

The problem, though, is what KMonte mentioned... Say the guys call him over at a pub to watch sports. They will drink. They will offer him a drink (they did offer him plenty of beers at poker, nice friends when they don't know he can't take it, anyway). If I tell him "don't go because they will give you beers" I'll be the controlling one and he will say "I will only have two" (assuming he has not learn his lesson - I don't know - ). If he says he's going to go but only have 2 beers (now, where have I heard that before?) but this time I won't be joining him, I will make yet another thread here, saying how worried I am about him drinking again, since he's still to prove he can handle himself on his own around drinks...

I don't want to be joining him every time he meets his friends, it's ridiculous. But I don't want him ridiculing himself in front of his friends either, but apparently, whether I join him or not does not make a difference.

Like CW said, at the end of the day, I don't want him to become aggressive or come home and start a fight. This hasn't happened in a very long time, but I don't like the feeling of getting nervous every time we/he is invited to a place where people are expected to drink.

Perhaps it's time for a NO ALCOHOL policy at every level?

**stressed** · 04-29-2010 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I think there are in-securities in his nature.

And, in that, he can't help himself.. It's further in my opinion than just "drinking" rather, doesn't believe in himself... Work on that side... It's not the drink, it's his in-securities of himself.

CW

The 'problem' with him is that he doesn't know how to say 'No' to people. He wants to be nice with everyone, he has admitted that this is something that can even make him look naive. He always wants to see the good in people, he doesn't think others will want to take advantage of him. This is what I tried to explain to him when we talked about it, that this side of him gets him into trouble.

- They invite him to poker: He doesn't want to go, but he feels happy his friends want him there and kind of asks for my encouragement to go (you know the kind: "it will probably be a lot of fun to go and play....but naaah, I'll stay home with you instead, I prefer that")...

- Hours before the event, he tells me he doesn't look forward to it, yet as soon as a guy asks him he says 'yes', because he didn't want to disappoint him..

- He's supposed to not drink too many beers, but whenever somebody asks him if he wants one more he says 'yes'. (I don't remember how many times I said "no" to having another beer, but he can't do that).

I can give you more similar and non-alcohol involved examples... I am trying to work on this now, make him understand that we all have to say "no" at times, for our own sake, and that "saying no" to a friend doesn't mean we like him any less.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-29-2010 12:52 AM

Acceptance... Fear...

That's a hard thing to jump...

He has to be happy with himself and not worry about what other's will think, but as I said, that's a hard thing to jump...

All you can do is encourage him of all his positive sides of himself to help him build that confidence in himself I guess.

Geez, you have a lot of work to do

CW

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