He wants to go to poker nights

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 05:26 PM

4-5 of his workmates gather every month, play poker and drink a lot at somebody's house. They had never asked my fiance to join them before, as they thought "I wouldn't let him go", because he has stopped drinking (mainly because of me, as we always fought when he drank 2 years ago, so now neither of us does). But they invited him last week and he told them he'd bring me along and it would be fun. I said he can go by himself if he wants to, as it's a "guys' night", plus I want his friends to realize that I don't control him, it's his choice not to drink and fight with me. He said he didn't want to leave me alone (I don't have any friends here) but he might go the next time.

The problem is, I regret convincing him he can go by himself if he wants to the next time. Because if he starts going to drunken poker nights once a month, then all the work we've done with the "no drinking at all" policy will be thrown in the trash and I'll be worried about it the whole night, whether he will get too drunk or not.

Do you think I'm overreacting? For days now I felt fine about it, but the more I get to know about that "poker night" the more worried I become. He said there is a chance that they will play for many hours and some might even suggest going out (although he said he wouldn't go etc.).

Should I go with him the next time, to see what this thing is about (and risk his friends continue to think I 'control' him) or let him go, get drunk, come home late and probably want to make it a habit? He says he won't drink over 2 beers, but who hangs around friends for hours and only has 2 beers? He cannot stop drinking once he starts and we have had very ugly incidents because of this, he's embarrassed himself and me in front of his friends many times.

I thought I could handle this but now I find myself thinking about it often...

**Mes T** · 03-28-2010 05:50 PM

From where I'm standing, it seems most likely that he'll go and drink just to be social, NOT to get drunk. He knows how important this is to you, and also knows that if he DOES slip up and get drunk, he won't be able to hide it and will be in big trouble!

I do think that he needs to go have these nights of him and the guys, whether you're going to be left alone or not... It's only once a month, which for most people isn't enough anyway, but spending some time every now and then away from home and away from your SO are really important. Might give you the chance to also get out there and make some new friends.

I'd suggest against going there with him. You're right, it would come off as quite controlling!

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 05:57 PM

I do agree with you a lot.

There just hasn't been a single time he's gone to a friend where drinks were involved that nothing ugly has happened, even though the last time was around a year ago.

But like you said, and he said as well, he knows how important this is to me and he wouldn't risk ruining it.

But, I don't know, poker and drinks every month... it's not exactly what I dream of my man doing to be totally honest. I do want him to spend time with friends, but does it have to involve gambling and drinking? Or am I overreacting again...? I don't know, just thinking out loud...

Plus, most of those guys are single, except one who is married and has troubles with his wife, so they're not exactly guys who have to come home after this and be 'normal', they can do whatever they want.

You see my worries...

**Mes T** · 03-28-2010 06:05 PM

Ha. Try being with someone whose friends are mostly single WOMEN!

That's my guy, right there.

I do understand your worries. In my case I force myself to stop thinking about "what ifs" that haven't happened yet, and just trust, trust, trust.

How about this. You let him go the first night (and be cool and confident about it, bye hun have a great time, glad you're getting out for a bit, lemme give ya a kiss for good luck) and let him prove to you that he can be a man about this and handle any temptations that present themselves.

If it turns out he did well, then you know you won't have anything to worry about. If on the other hand he ends up making a fool of himself, well then, you'll know that you were big enough to give him a chance, and he blew it, so it's up to him to regain your trust.

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 06:18 PM

That's what I initially thought...

But, honestly, do you know how many times I've been cool about him and drinking and how I always proved to be right to not want him to do it? Always!

But I suppose I can give him the benefit of the doubt a year later. If nothing else just to shut his friends up: If he "makes it" then they will see that I trust him now and things have changed. If he won't "make it" they will see why I was worried in the past.

Yep, I'll still to the plan I guess. Worst that can happen is he spends all his money, comes home totally drunk, we have a fight about it, he makes a fool of himself to his friends and workmates BUT... I will be right to worry tonight lol

And single women?! You're brave. But I guess he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him and that makes it easier. He's given me plenty of reasons in the past... for a long time his favourite phrases were "You are right. It won't happen again"...

But, ok, I'll try to be "superior" once more... see how it goes...

Thanks :-)

**stressed** · 03-28-2010 06:22 PM

Another thing: He says he wants to be with me ALL THE TIME, that he enjoys this a lot and that if he's to go by himself he won't feel "safe". That he'd like to go last week too, but not without me. When I explained that he should be able to go out by himself too and that his friends shouldn't think I control him, he started to agree that it would be alright for him to go by himself too.

I think it's very sweet of him to want me with him all the time, but I wonder if that reaction was from a side of him telling him "if you go alone you will mess up" and that's why he wanted me with him. I had to convince him it's ok to go alone, he didn't want to at all at first.

**pretzel** · 03-29-2010 05:53 AM

My suggestion,

Suggest he go without you. Convince him that this would be a good time and that you'll be fine for a nite by yourself.

CONVINCE him to stay at his friends house for the nite. Last thing either of you want would be for him to drink and drive, or drink and fight when he gets home.

**caterpillar79** · 03-29-2010 06:11 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

Another thing: He says he wants to be with me ALL THE TIME, that he enjoys this a lot and that if he's to go by himself he won't feel "safe". That he'd like to go last week too, but not without me. When I explained that he should be able to go out by himself too and that his friends shouldn't think I control him, he started to agree that it would be alright for him to go by himself too.

I think it's very sweet of him to want me with him all the time, but I wonder if that reaction was from a side of him telling him "if you go alone you will mess up" and that's why he wanted me with him. I had to convince him it's ok to go alone, he didn't want to at all at first.

It is indeed very sweet of him to think about having you with him, in women's translation, it could be that he respects you and loves you and wants to be with you all the time, especially during trying moments such as this - some sort of courage he can get from your presence.

But in man's term, it could mean that he doesn't trust himself enough to be able to say no without your shadow. It's like you have conditioned him to doubt himself by having you doubt him in the first place. But you couldn't be blamed either, because he messed up the last time.

Maybe let this be his first quest after having him become sober for a while. But remind him how much you trust him that this time around he will be able to limit himself or hopefully not drink at all (some guys can do that).

Give him the benefit of the doubt, let him prove his manhood. Your trust and respect are very precious to him, hence he wants you by his side all the time. Give him a chance, hopefully he will make it.

I wouldn't agree with either of pretzel's suggestion though. I would like to suggest to wean him into his "independence" slowly and not too abruptly like that. Either have him drive if he could (risky, but worth the try, depends how far it is), or have a pick - up time, altough you would appear to be demanding and a little controlling, but who cares, for as long as you and your SO agree on a system that works for both of you that will not compromise your hard work). I think, if he stays in for the night, that would just give him an excuse to drink the night away.

**WildChild** · 03-29-2010 06:43 AM

I just don't know, are you raising him or in a relationship with him?
Neither of you are comfortable with his behavior away from you?
He's given reason not to trust with other women? With alcohol? There are sexual issues and what sounds from an outsider's perspective like a real imbalance in the sexual aspects of the relationship, with him unwilling to even try to meet your needs or create a sharing sexual experience. It's hard to see what the attraction is.
He wants to be with you, "all the time" but is always too tired to have sex?
This is sounding co-dependant.

**KMonte85** · 03-29-2010 06:52 AM

given the history you have with him, I can see why you're a little aprehensive about his going to poker night with the guys.

BUTTTT (there's always a but), it sounds like you've gone a year without an incident of him drinking too much and causing a scene/fight. At some point, you need to give a little, try to forgive the past indecretions, and trust that he's learned and will make responsible decisions on his own. You're well aware of how important trust is to a healthy relationship...

Like Cat said, tell him how much you've appreciated that he's quit drinking and how beneficial that is for the both of you. Tell him you love him, and trust that he will be responsible when he's out with the guys without you there to supervise. Then kiss him and send him on his way. Best case, nothing happens - he has a fun night with the guys, doesn't drink too much, comes home without incident. Whats the worst case scenario? He gets drunk, losses too much of his money, and disappoints you, starting another argument. Sure, it wouldn't be pleasant, but its not the end of the world.. you've got to give him the benefit of the doubt!

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