Need some quick desperate advise

**purplelicious** · 03-30-2010 01:39 PM

I just caught my Husband sexting and talking to this woman.
he did this for six months. I asked him to stop and he did, cold turkey
not that she can't call him at work or him call her from work. But I'm very hurt and feel very betrayed. So I ask him a lot of questions, usually he answers them, and I guess I can say he has been trying a little, he still has not asked me to forgive him, he still a little cold at times with me. I been trying to contact this other woman but she doesn't respond to my texts or calls. Well today I told him I was trying to contact her and I asked for her last name...He just about flipped out, he was so livid, he is now not talking to me again...I told him he did this to us but he makes me feel like I'm the one at fault...I just feel I have to know if they actually cheated but at the sametime ask myself why do I need to know? I asked him what does he want from me how can we move forward he is just silent..I asked him if we could talk later and come to some agreement of do's and don'ts ...he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore...I'm afraid he is thinking he stopped doing what he was doing too soon, I don't know....Please advise
what can I tell him, what can we agree on. I love this man and do not want to get seperated or divorced, we been married 23 years
I try to touch and talk to him with lots of love, but he doesn't do it back, not that he use to be very romantic before...I don't know please advise soon

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-30-2010 01:54 PM

Are you really just "used" to him being around?

23 years is a long time.

This man, was sending text messages to not one, but two or more women for months before you found out and called them sexy, but not you..

What are you holding on to?

If he doesn't know what he wants anymore, there are issues in your marriage that he is missing but there are issues in your marriage that you are missing as well, what are they?

Write a list for yourself, if he won't talk to you hand him the list... but be objective, including what you feel that maybe your not giving in your marriage that you would like to.

Maybe if he saw what you were missing and what you feel that you would change if you could and want to change, it may make all the difference... But, off course, he also has to look at what he's not giving you and I bet there are an abundance of things if you really think about it.

CW

**purplelicious** · 03-30-2010 02:04 PM

I honestly love this man like when we first met. for 23 years so I thought there was always trust and lots of love. Where could I have missed something? when could I have missed it? I'm not sure of anything these days. I was diagnosed with cancer 5 months ago and had surgery, radiation ..the works, So I kind of think thats why he started this sexting/talking relationship, but I can't just get over it like we wants me too, I have some doubts and questions, why can't he just answer them and help me get through this, I don't understand why he is not sure of what he wants...sometimes I feel he just got tired of taking care of me, but at the same time I don't think so because he started this a month before I got diagnosed...I just don't know what else to do, I feel overwhelmed and worried that if I ask one too many questions he will decide to end it..

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-30-2010 03:14 PM

He should... be bending over backwards to find a way to make YOU feel better about HIS hurtful choices... but he's not. Instead its you trying to find a way to fix what he broke in you when you found out what he was doing.

It's almost as if he knows your nature. He knows your love is so pure and true and is taking advantage the way you long to make him happy. Right now it should be you giving HIM the silent treatment but he's twisted things around in a way that he's making you feel like the bad guy.

You want this to work. You want to save your marriage... but you can love a brick wall, lay flowers by its side, write poems to it and any other number of attempts to please it but in the end if its a brick wall... its not going to return that love and you have the choice of living a perfect happy marriage in your HEAD.... or facing the reality of how's treating you.

It sounds like if he gives you just enough, just a tiny little bit , it will be all it takes to please you. You've forgiven his actions and just want some other peace of mind and he refuses to even try and makes you feel bad for asking.

Whenever i get hurt by something my boyfriend has done I have to weigh it out with everything he does that makes me feel AMAZING. If it ever got to the point that the hurt outweighs the happy thats when you have to step back and ask if you want to spend your remaining time on this earth feeling that way.

So dig inside yourself, you know you love him unconditionally... but what are some of the things he does that make YOU feel loved and special?

Does he tell you kind, sweet things?
Does he still show you passion in the bedroom?
Is he affectionate?
Does he show concern for your needs and overall well-being?
Does he compromise his wants with yours? Or is it his way or no way?
Does he make you feel beautiful?

What are the things he does that make YOU feel good?

What are the things he's done and does that make you feel just plain awful?

Which list is bigger?

Is he willing at all to work with you on balancing the relationship to where you each get to feel important and loved?

**starjoy08** · 03-30-2010 03:33 PM

He should be fighting for you not the other way around. Be strong and think about you, not him. Don't let him make you fell bad. You are the one that is hurt and he should being trying to make it better.

**rcoreyus** · 03-30-2010 04:54 PM

I don't see anything to be gained by talking to the other woman. What could you learn that would matter? What would be gained by screaming.

I don't think it really matters if he cheated. If he was sexting, does it make much difference if they did something physical?

I think you do need to understand why he was doing this. Don't get me wrong - by understand I DON'T mean "accept". I really mean understand his motivation. My feeling is that if his reasons don't go away, he will do it again. Whether there is anything to be done about those reasons depends on what they are.

Once you know why he did it, you will have a good idea of whether he will do it again. Then you can decide what you want to do.

I do believe that the idea of marriage should not be finding ways to keep ones spouse from doing the wrong things, but rather finding ways to keep them from wanting to do those things.

**p3375** · 03-30-2010 05:31 PM

Yeah, no point in talking to the other woman/women. Also, sounds like you're the only one pulling the load. If he's not interested, no amount of 'want' on your part will change that... so sorry dear
P

**WildChild** · 03-30-2010 06:26 PM

If this started before you learned you had cancer then certainly isn't a factor. His hostility toward you for learning of it is odd. Can you talk with a counselor? It might help you to figure out how to get him to talk so you can figure out what is going on and what you want to do about it.
Was he supportive through your cancer treatment?

**purplelicious** · 04-06-2010 12:53 PM

First of I would like to thank all of you for all the advise, it's been put to good use..
I would also like to answer these questions
Does he tell you kind, sweet things? HE NEVER STOPPED
Does he still show you passion in the bedroom? WE JUST STARTED HAVING SOME SEX BUT HE NEVER STOPPED TRYING TO GET IT.
Is he affectionate? ALWAYS
Does he show concern for your needs and overall well-being? YES, EVERY DAY
Does he compromise his wants with yours? Or is it his way or no way? NO WE COMPROMISE
Does he make you feel beautiful? YES, HE COMPLIMENTS ME A LOT

What are the things he does that make YOU feel good? SO MANY THINGS, WHEN HE TOUCHES ME, WHISPERS IN MY EAR, TALKS SWEET, HE IS VERY GENTLE and CARING WITH ME

What are the things he's done and does that make you feel just plain awful? WHEN TEXTING THIS FEMALE, WHEN THE DECISION TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE WAS HARD FOR HIM TO MAKE

Which list is bigger? THE GOOD LIST

Is he willing at all to work with you on balancing the relationship to where you each get to feel important and loved? WE NOW TALKED AND YES HE IS WILLING TO WORK IT OUT

Like I said I took a lot of the advise that was given. Like C W says my wings were broken and I simply continued to fly on my broomstick. lol ...at first I was all down about the whole thing because even though I have been married 23 years our passion and love was still alive. Thats why I don't know what I missed or when I missed it. Even through my illness he would touch and try things and I thought he understood and was being Patient. There was never a sign that he was sexting or talking to another woman. So what I started doing was I gave him the silent treatment, I wouldn't even talk to him about normal everyday things. I didn't make dinner for him, wash his clothes, no hello or goodbye kiss, would act like he wasn't there. It bothered him because he walked around like he couln't take it, even from his work they would ask me, "whats wrong with him? he is always hyper and happy, maybe he is feeling sick?" I would just act like nothing and advise them to ask him. (obviously they didn't know what he did, or what was going on) anyways, end of last week he asked if I would ask for Monday off from work..I didn't ask any question I just requested the day off.I wanted to see what he had planned or what he was up to........Well for one whole day he was the man I always had, I had my Husband back. (oh I forgot to mention they havn't been texting or talking)(I've seen the bill) Yes I know there are other ways of contact, and that was part of the conversation yesterday..I asked him if she contact him would he tell me? he said yes, I know its cheesy but he sounded so sincere...We talked and talked and cried and laughed we went to lunch to the park, walked and played it was amazing, like old times. from 8am to 8pm it was just us no cell phones no body just us. I'm not saying that my problem has gone away, I just chose to believe in him, when he says he wants to continue to grow old with me until death due us part, I just feel I have to give it a try. what can I say I love him.

As far as the other woman. I did stop calling her, there was no point in me talking to her.

I don't know maybe he is going through a midlife crisis. He is 42 and he has his ear pierced and even put his earring back on too. other things he does and says too make me think he is going through this mid life crisis.

And why he did this, his answer was:
"when she came into the store, she asked me for my # and he said "I like that because she was younger, and all the texting and talking made me feel good"

But I know it's still going to take time, I just hope and Pray things will work out and he doesn't do this again.

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**Angelbabies** · 04-08-2010 10:17 AM

hunny leave him, i know it hurts but the way he is treating as a woman you deserve respect so hold your head high, grow some tough skin and make that man regret losing and hurting you, and move on with your self loud and proud!!!