Age-gap differences in marriage ideals

**natu88** · 03-30-2010 07:53 PM

I'm in love with this guy who is 28 now, and I am 21. He is absolutely wonderful and is my best friend. We've dated for 1 1/2 now, known each other for 2, and he's getting serious about settling down. I love him to death, but I feel so scared about making such a big commitment. I think the age difference plays a big role too in our wants. I also don't want kids for at least 5 years, and he wants them 'soon', which is probably like a couple years.

He would ensure me happiness, love, wealth, and the dream that every girl wants. I certainly am not unhappy about him in anyway, but I keep going back and forth to making such a commitment. He's so eager and excited, while I'm excited, but not eager at all. All I want to think of is finishing college and starting my career. Am I being childish or selfish for not wanting to commit yet? How do I tell him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I just want to be sure as he is about it? It's not an easy topic to touch on.

**caterpillar79** · 03-30-2010 08:37 PM

You need to do what your heart wants, what really makes you happy. You are still young and finishing college is but ideal. If he is "the one", and you are for him, he will wait patiently until you are ready. Unless, there are other unaddressed doubts, and that uncertainty is something you might want to look keenly into.

You are not childish, in fact, it's what most goal oriented women would think of first - have a future and be independent. I didn't understand it when I was your age, but I just followed what my mom told me since we're poor.

She insisted that I finish college and have a career before settling down. Sure enough, once I had my diploma, I did (1st marriage). I am glad I got my degree, because if it were not for that diploma, I would be a total wreck, homeless and probably malnourished when I got divorced.

I am not saying you will be, but it is always good that you have a degree especially now that job competition is becoming more and more stiff. Yeah, he could argue and say, you can continue studying while married, but since he wants a baby sooner than you would, it might be a problem.

Your age difference is not that far, actually, what I see is that it has a lot to do with his convictions. Ask him why having a baby is such a priority, sit him down and tell him why you want to finish college and all your reasons or what not. It all boils down to communication. Learn to empathize with him, meaning understanding his point of view without necessarily agreeing with him, and vice versa.

Once in a while you need to be selfish in a healthy way. Remember, to a man who really loves you, all that matters is how he can make you happy.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-31-2010 03:31 AM

You sound like a good match

Seriously you do.. You have only aclaimed him .. the only thing you have difficulty is, is with what you "need" and "want" to do with your life now, the next few years.

Tell him that.. Relationships are about communication..

He wants/she wants/compromise

CW

**Maximus** · 03-31-2010 03:38 AM

Plus the fact that a 7-year age gap ranging from early twenties and late twenties is not really such a big deal...in a couple of years you will be part of the workforce both, and hopefully making similar life plans

Like CW said, communication is key...always coming from a place of Love, rather than fear...

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-31-2010 07:51 AM

Age difference matters less than wanting the same things in your life.

Some girls at 19 want to settle down and be a mom and some men at 49 feel like they aren't 'ready yet'. I don't think your age difference is going to play a factor in how you relate to each other as you are in the same generation.

But like I said if he wants family now, and you don't... it has less to do with age and more to do with just not being in the same place at the same time. Hopefully you guys can compromise as neither one of you should have to give up your dream or cause your s.o to give up theirs.