Angry and frustrated

**lhc2266** · 03-31-2010 10:35 PM

I am so angry and frustrated. It is ruining my relationship with my husband, and I just don't know how to get past it. My father was really sick and in the hospital for one month recently. My husband travels with his work generally two or three days out of every week. Occasionally, he will be gone Monday through Friday, but that may be one week out of every month. Unfortunately, he was gone for work the first week that my father was in the hospital following open heart surgery. I was alone, trying to take care of our little boy (who is 8), and trying to work full time at my job too. I live across the street from my in-laws, but not once did they offer to help, or even call to check on me or my mom and dad. The following week my husband was home, and as a result, I tried to check on my mom and dad after work and tried to help out as much as I could. My husband would make negative comments about how little time I was spending at home. I felt completely torn. The third week my husband went out of town again, and was gone from Monday through Friday. Again, I was alone with no offers of help at all from my in-laws. My husband came home on Friday afternoon, and again, I had to help my parents as much as I could that weekend, since I had been unable to do much during the week. Again, I put up with negative comments from my husband. By the time that my father finally as was able to be discharged from the hospital, I was exhausted.

I am angry at my husband for not being more supportive. I am angry at his family for not helping me or even offering to help me while he was out of town. I am still worried about my dad. My husband only wants to talk about what something is going to cost him, or how he is inconvenienced whenever anything is brought up.

Easter is this weekend, and my mom wants me to come to her house for Easter dinner. I feel like I really NEED to be there for her and my dad. Now my husband is putting pressure on me to leave early so we can get back and spend time with his family beginning at 4:00 that afternoon. He is always reminding me how much he spends in dollars on me and Sam, and how little I do around the house. He is out of town again and on the phone tonight he was complaining about how much he had to pay for insurance every month. I told him I did not think it was that much, and I actually picked up his last pay stub to check. I did not contradict him, but I quickly realized he was exaggerating and that he wasn't paying as much as he was telling me. It just made me angry that he would exaggerate like that.

I really need to get past all of this, but I don't know how. Any suggestions?

**kira** · 03-31-2010 11:25 PM

Personally I actually feel it's unrealistic to expect your partner's family to shoulder any of your problems. There's far too many chances for differences in relationships or viewpoints for that and I didn't marry my husband's family. I married my husband. This is where I feel the problem lies. Your husband should be understanding even if his family is not helpful. Sit the jerk down and tell him how little money matters compared to your family and happiness. Then tell him exactly how stressed you are and how important it is for you to help out your family. Then you'll probably have to remind him how little money really matters because he'll probably try to hang it over your head again. My whole family is that way so I know how it works. "I pay x for such and such so why can't you do this?!" Because your cash doesn't fix what is wrong in my life. If you figure out how to really get that through to someone who only thinks about being there for someone in dollar signs let me know. I need to apply it to my mom. Luckily if I start yelling about ER trips, stupid doctors, and unhelpful college instructors she feels uncomfortable enough to shut up about whatever finances of mine she's trying to control or money she's spending for a family trip/get together.

**rcoreyus** · 04-01-2010 07:38 AM

I'm pretty much in agreement with Kira.

People aren't responsible for how their families behave.

Sometimes work trip really are unavoidable without major consequences.

But - someone should always be supportive of their spouse to the extent its possible, and a family is a joint effort, making money is just one of many important things that people do.

**KMonte85** · 04-01-2010 07:53 AM

Do you have that kind of relationship with the inlaws, that they would just come and help without question? Or is it more distant and cordial? did you ASK your inlaws for their help, or just assume that they knew you needed help? Sometimes people need to be asked directly before they make any kind of action, figuring if you wanted them to contribute, you would have asked. That may be the situation with the inlaws... which could be excused.

As for your husband, he was acting pretty jerky. Putting pressure on you to stay home when you've got an ailing parent to tend to and he's been gone all week for work, is no way to treat you're wife. Guilt trips don't work, they just make the situation more stressful. And hanging money over your head is no way to react either... it just fuels the fire of resentment. Try to talk to him (if he's willing to have an adult conversation...) about just how unsupported you've felt lately, and that it hurts you in a time that is already stressful because of your father's medical problems. Ask him to understand that right now you need to help your parents, but it isn't a forever thing, and as your father heals you will be able to spend more and more time at home. Ask him to help you and support you. Hopefully he will realize how his behavior has been affecting you and will make amends...

best of luck, and I wish your father a speedy recovery!

**Joy** · 04-01-2010 08:53 AM

so sorry your father is ill and you are right it is important you be there for easter dinner and spend time with your family. Family is very important.

Your stressed about family illness and your husband seems to be stressed about money. You need to talk to him and explain that you need to look after your parents health.... are you the only child who can help out with this?

Did you ask the inlaws for help with babysitting your 8 year old while you made trips to the hospital? Cause if you didn't ask for help maybe they didn't think to offer. It's ok to ask for help we can't expect people to just be there then we just end up disappointed.

you need to talk this thru before it turns into something much larger. Your husband could be so preoccupied with work that he is not considering your feelings - stress and fear of your parents health and losing them and the stress and fear that is putting on you. I've been in this exact same situation and I know how hurtful it is when your spouse is oblivious to these feelings of stress and fear and you feel he is being an inconsiderate jerk with his head up his $$

if he is putting negative comments out there about time, attention, and the house well he needs to says what he has to say instead of just putting in lil digs cause that isn't helping. We can only do what we can do.

hope your father has a speedy recovery

**lhc2266** · 04-03-2010 08:20 AM

Thanks everyone!! The feedback does help. I just need to figure out a way to have a constructive conversation with my husband, when I am calm, and not when I am upset, or when I am reacting to something he has done. As for the in-laws, I did not specifically ask for help. They all knew what I was going through. My mother-in-law lives across the street from me, and I was also posting updates about my dad on my facebook page. A phone call or an inquiry would have been nice, but I really do need to let that go. Thanks again for the comments and the advice. It really helped!