Question/story from "that guy" of a cheating wife

**svt** · 04-03-2010 04:43 PM

Hello All, I am a man, and I would like to tell a story and get your opinions.
Recently I was “dating” a married women (she has been married for 9 years, has 2 children) for approx 3 months. We met at work, the relationship started out as just a friendship. At first I resisted going past anything but friendship because she was married and it was against my morals, but as time went on she did break those barriers down. From there we developed stronger feelings for each other. She would commonly text/email me even when she was around her husband telling me where/what she was doing and how it always reminded her of me and wished I was with her instead of her husband. She stopped sleeping in the same bed with her husband (would sleep with one of the children), stopped having any type of physical relationship with him, and even went so far as to tell her husband at one point she lost her feelings/attraction for him (he reacted by choking her briefly then running away crying, of course this is all on her word). He would also commonly carry a picture of her in a thong pre-marriage and ask her when she will give him that woman back (she’s not even fat).

Well to shorten the story up, one night she stayed up texting me some dirty things and forgot to delete the history of them. The next day her husband saw the texts on her phone and lost control. She got scared and lied to him and told him a fake story about our relationship and it was only done for fun. He believed it and forced her to write an email to me telling me we can’t be friends and to never call/text/email her again, and then he took over her email and took her phone away from her. The next day she contacted me at work and told me what happened ( I will spare you from the whole emotional details because I’m sure you can imagine them). After work she asked me to send her husband an email pretending like I knew I was talking to her even though I knew it was going to him to help the cause of it “only being for fun”. So I did, and I guess it made things worse and he kicked her out of the house that night and told her she would never see her children again, she would have to go start her own family because she will never get to see them again. The husband then proceeded to email and call me with threats (life, car, house, etc…) if I didn’t stop talking to his wife which I didn’t take seriously because I know the guy is a complete coward. The next day at work she handed me a note telling me about how I ruined her life, broke her trust, and basically how I was to blame for everything and to never talk to her again.

We didn’t speak for 3 weeks, but during that time she was talking to a mutual friend/coworker knowing he would relay messages to me and even asked him to do so a few times. The messages coming to me where he can call me but I can’t use my phone (due to husband monitoring her cell for my phone #). But the timing never worked out for me to call her, so at work I sent her an email (we used to commonly email each other at work). It immediately turned into her blaming me for sending the email she asked me to send and her acting like I did it in some way to hurt her (which isn’t the truth). And then told me “I don’t trust you right now and if I ever feel I can then I will contact you on my own… don’t try to contact me anymore it will be better for you and better for me.” So once again I stopped, and she reverted back to trying to talk/pass messages between our mutual friend, and has come close to me, walked past me staring at me (I try not to make eye contact), and even tried to show up with a group of coworkers to a place she knew I was taking lunch at with other coworkers. I am very confused by this girl, she acts like she hates me when it’s her and I and does nothing but blame me for her idea backfiring (I do take responsibility for writing the email though) but when she talks to others all I hear about it how it seems she’s trying to reach out for me to try to get in touch with her. I don’t know what she wants. If she wants nothing to do with me it’s probably best we don’t talk again, but I get the feeling she still wants what she had with me and wants nothing to do with her husband but is just afraid of him. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of my emotions and feelings during the whole process just to help her out, and even her marriage even though at some points I wonder why I did (such as when he started to threaten me I should have let the police deal with him) but I didn’t because I felt it would just lead to further conflict and if all they think about is me then their marriage will never be healed if that’s what SHE really wanted. She seems confused and scared, but maybe I am wrong… For the record, the children wouldn’t have been a problem, and yes I do understand the trusting her thing because if she could do that to her husband how can I be sure she wouldn’t do it to me…

Any of you ladies have any idea what’s going on in her mind and any advice for me? Should I just leave her alone or should I go after her?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2010 06:28 PM

I think when things aren't black and white, rather grey, you have no closure.

Your kind of like a fishing rod, being reeled in and then casted back out don't you think?

So, given that... It does tell you the personality, the future, of what that relationship "could be like", in addition, the ex, if he ever became one, and how difficult that would be, the interference, constant as he fights for his children.

He is fighting also for his marriage, his children, his vows... You can't and shouldn't even contemplate competing with that.

You should walk away, forget her and if she really fell in love with you? Then she will leave, and come back to you...

It's not a healthy situation for you.. It's not a stable situation for you. And, they need to sort their lives out before you could or should even contemplate being in her life from here...

CW

**LanaBear** · 04-03-2010 06:54 PM

It's not a healthy relationship, regardless of how she feels or what is going on in her head. It's not healthy for you, her, her husband, and her children.

Find someone who does not have a family and move on. Let her deal with her problems on her own without you in the picture.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2010 07:52 PM

She sounds like she has no idea what she wants. This sounds like an ego game she is playing, using you to boost her self esteem. She needs to work out her stuff and you need to stay as far away as you can.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-03-2010 10:14 PM

You say you don't fear this man because he is a coward etc... but spend the afternoon one day watching court TV and see just how many 'cowardly' etc... husbands, wives... lose their mind at the thought of losing their spouse / mother/father of their children.

Its a very dangerous position to put yourself in tempting the fates of passion filled rage. And she sounds like, from everything you have said... the kind of woman that would sell you out in a hot minute to save her own skin.

She could be selling her husband an entirely different story, telling him you are stalking her... that she was never with you etc.

You ask what she's thinking? Sounds like she's thinking about herself and herself only. Not her husband, not her kids, not you, not her co-workers, just her whats making her happy in the moment, despite consequence.

There are so many wonderful woman in the world that are not double-crossing, cheating, mixed signal sending or selfish.

It sounds like she wanted some spice, if she truly didn't want her husband... she could have left him. She, like many adulterous people, wants her cake and to eat it too. When she got caught and the risk of losing her cake was a factor , she ditched you quickly. In her mind, no loss, she can go back to eating it with you or someone else later if she wants.

Do yourself a favor and move on from this drama. While it may be flattering to have a married woman risk it all for you. While it may be an ego boost to be the object of some womans affection. While it may be exciting, all the trysts and none of the responsability. Its not worth it at the end of the day.

You deserve better. You deserve to rest your head on your pillow at night and feel no guilt and no shame. No one wants to grow up to be a homewrecker. When you get married and have kids and have a happy home, you'd hope with all your heart that someone would have the strength to walk away from your wifes advances should she ever hit a low point and make them.

Treat people like you want to be treated. Love like you want to be loved. And behave in a manner that you'd hope people behave to you. Respect, dignity.