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Thread: I'm new and looking for suppport-Fiance has porn addiction

  1. 04-07-2010 03:33 PM #1
    Coco74
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    Default I'm new and looking for suppport-Fiance has porn addiction

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    Hello

    I'm 35 yrs old, successful buisness woman and getting married in 6 months. I met my fiance at my last position December of 07'. We were just friends/coworkers for about 6 months and than something clicked. We began dating and everything was going great except for in the bedroom. He would hardly ever ejaculate and when he did sex would be for an hour or longer before he could. To make a long story short, its due to porn addiction. I researched while we were dating and he pointed it out in one of the studies I researched for him. The problem was identified at the time but the addiction wasn't. We got engaged in August 09' and plan to be married this October. This past December is when he finally came out and admitted he was a porn addict and needed help. He has been in therapy (goes everyother week) and we have had soo many long, intimate talks more than I anticipated believe it or not. As I read about this addiction, I'm not sure if I will be able to understand it entirely. I love him and hes so good to me and just a good man in general. But theres that fear he will never be cured. I know that porn addiction is not about me, its about something else that he channels through porn and masturbating to it. Its hard , really hard but I try to understand and not take it personal. He does not want to postpone the wedding, he wants to make me happy and wants to continue to get help. This is only the beginning, my fear is what happens when family comes into play etc etc.

    I'm just scared and unsure!
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  2. 04-07-2010 06:36 PM #2
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    If you know it's not about you, then your half way there.

    If he has shared this with you and together, you've researched it, and together, you've discussed it and as a result he's communicating and willing, wanting to make changes, then your half way there.

    Now, a man whom is cheating on you, I get that, don't get married.

    But, it seems to me you have some good things going on here, communication, discussions, love...

    Why would you consider throwing that away?

    Also, know that it's not just about Porn.. Masterbation in itself can make a man go for ever without cumming.

    And, also, how much he ejaculates in general, lower levels can mean it takes a long time, without masterbation or porn...

    Have a think of all the good qualities. You say you are a successful business woman.. I don't understand where that fits in to this Thread, other, than the fact that you say he's a co-worker.

    So, could there be more to this in your mind than your actually letting come forward as to why you are not sure?

    CW
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    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!
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  3. 04-07-2010 06:51 PM #3
    LanaBear
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    I agree with CW...

    The both of you are going through this together. He is not trying to hide it from you. You adore him and he adores you.

    Nobody who hasn't gone through some type of addiction will never understand it thoroughly. Heck, even some of those who have gone through addiction don't understand it thoroughly.

    Don't expect him to be 'cured'. People with addictions are never cured. They get better and with constant support and understanding the chances of them going back to that are small. Keep the relationship in an understanding state. Be happy that he is talking about it with you instead of keeping it a secret.

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  4. 04-08-2010 05:47 AM #4
    Coco74
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    Thank you for both your replies, they were well said and points have been taken. The reason I'm unsure is my fault, I'm just not sure I can be the supporter he needs. I feel at this point in my life my sex drive is in full gear. I've always been free and open with experimenting and enjoying good sex and love making. My fiance on the other hand I dont think has had many partners and has been addicted to porn since his early 20's. I just find it a bit hypocritical when I'm so ready all the time and my hormones are in full gear and he makes excuses like- "my stomach is messed up" , or I'm soo tired, etc etc. Hes finding excused to avoid having sex with me because he feels guilty. Thats how I know when he has slipped. What makes me angry is he promised that in those hard times and when he was tempted he would try to let me know so that I can take his miind off of it. I think I'm at the point of anger because we have talked so much about it and are so open but still he does the excuseds, the avoidance and its frustrating because he knows I know but still does it? ughhhh Why do women just have to except it and live with it and alter their life around mens problems. Its so frustrating being a woman sometimes, some of us have to balance the men at work and than at home too? I know I've gotten off the subject and now just venting. I know I have my own issues trust me, to deal with but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just give up!!
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  5. 04-12-2010 07:35 PM #5
    ocularone
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    I know this isn't helping like you need it to, but have you considered trying to BECOME or take over his addiction? I think a huge part of addiction to pornography is a part of being addicted to masturbation. What if it were you he were masturbating to? With the way he reacts it seems like he feels it's wrong of him, just as you feel. I realize the addiction to masturbation needs to be overcome but what if he was at least using pictures/ videos of his fiancé instead of pornography? I know this isn't the cure by any means but at least it could be a step in the right direction. He obviously cares about you and wants to honor you in your sex life... Even if he is struggling with masturbating too much, at least it wouldn't bare the guilt and shame he feels of it being of other girls on the Internet...
    "I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes, - and the stars through his soul."- Victor Hugo
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