My fiance is Bi, and now might be Gay..

**Fidget07** · 04-09-2010 06:06 AM

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years now. Our anniversary is actually on the 27th. We'll be getting married in a year....maybe. He's generally the sweetest and most considerate guy you could possibly imagine, and nobody makes me laugh like he can.

The problems began around year two when he let me in on the fact that he's bisexual. I was, of course, upset and confused. By this time, I was already so in love with him that leaving certainly wasn't an option, so I had to mature fast and think rationally (I was only 18 at this time so maturity about a foreign situation wasn't my strong suit). I figured: just because he's bi doesn't mean he's going to leave me or cheat on me. If he HAD the personality of a cheater, he would cheat whether he was straight or bisexual. He said he still loved me, and was still attracted to me. He told me how strong he thought I was for staying and being rational when other girls our age might run for the hills. I didn't feel strong or rational.

So it's 3 years later, and I'm still coming to terms with it, but it was getting better every day. He hadn't left me or cheated on me that I knew of (besides the fact that I would trust him with my life, he works constantly, and when he isn't at work he's at home with me or across the street with his friends). I thought life was getting back to normal, until he started getting really depressed and lashing out at me (verbally) for no reason. After a week I got him to tell me what was wrong.

He's thinking that he might be fully gay. Apparently, over the course of our relationship, he's been repressing his normal self in order to not seem to feminine, and everyone knows what a ticking time bomb repression is. He says I'm literally the only girl that he finds attractive, but how can I believe that? I don't believe in magic or fairytales. He tells me that he still loves me more than anything else in the world, but again, why should I believe it? If he still found me attractive, he still loved me, and he still wanted to be with me, then he would still consider himself bi, and not be worried about being gay. He told me that even if, when he figures it out, he turns out to be fully gay, he's not going to tell me, and he's going to stay with me anyway. He's doing it because "he doesn't want to 'hurt' me." But being drug along in a loveless, passionless, affectionless relationship for the rest of my life won't hurt? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

I just want this to go away. I don't want him to go back to repressing his true personality, because that's not healthy for him, but I don't want this to be over. I've made him my everything over the past few years. Everything in my life reminds me of him. We've both broken down and cried over it several times. I can deal with the bisexual thing because as long as he doesn't cheat, nothing changes, but if he's fully gay, everything changes. He's back to telling me how strong I am....I've never felt weaker.

Any advice?

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-09-2010 07:26 AM

I believe the power of love can make even someone of the gender one isn't organically sexually attracted to the most beautiful sexy person in the world, and strongly attractive.

But I do believe you are setting yourself up for a world of heartache if he thinks he is not only bi... but completely homosexual and you decide to stay. I know you have invested so much of yourself into this relationship... but you are still SO young.

It sounds to me like he has fought his natural attraction to men... a long long time. And at one point or another in his life he might realize that its too short to live it for other people and what other people think (including you) and may just go on out there and attempt to live it true to his identity.

That would leave you , not only in the dust... but also with the regret that you KNEW his desires and swept them under the rug, letting other guys pass you by.

He sounds like he has been nothing but honest, but even he doesn't know what he will wake up feeling tomorrow... none of us do. That being said though... even in relationships with completely heterosexual men -- they sometimes wake up one day and decide they have been pining for their secratery and leave the wife and kids and go off to live the life they think they need to experience.

So maybe sexuality does have less to do with it than the character of the person you love. Have you asked him if he'd be content in his life without experience a physical relationship with a man? Does he honestly think he could be happy keeping those desires under wraps?

From the timeline you gave I'm assuming you guys are like 21? A lot can change in the next few years... for the both of you. I would definitely put off marriage for a good while. There is no rush for that and will only complicate both of your feelings should they change.

I'm sorry for your situation. Loving someone so completely and unconditional can be as big of a curse at is a blessing. You have to make sure that you are loving yourself as unconditionally as well.

I know you don't feel brave, or strong... but you are. It sounds like you don't want to have to be though. And thats fair. You shouldn't have to put on a brave front to face your relationship... it *should* be a little easier than that.

**sperosi** · 04-11-2010 02:37 AM

I think he is being 100% honest when he says he finds you attractive and he loves you. But I also think that being hetero isnt the real him either. I agree with HD, and am afraid you are setting yourself up for a broken heart.

I know you love him, and I believe he loves you too. But let me ask you this, if you really love him do you want him to wake up next to you 20 years from now and him regretting the way things are.

I am sorry hun. if you really love him, you may have to let him go.

**eleni** · 04-11-2010 03:47 PM

it sounds like he's more repressing his attraction to men
than his true sexuality.
in the time that you've been together have you ever let him explore that side of himself? has he ever had a relationship with a man?

im bisexual so i kind of understand
me and my boyfriend have sort of made it a part of our relationship that i will occasionally get with a girl, but with his permission
if he feels uncomfortable about that particular girl, he'll say so and i wont do anything.
its not cheating because its open and always everybody knows the score before anything happens.
that way i get to keep that side of me out in the open
but also have a loving relationship with my boyfriend.
i think if we didnt have that arrangement i would probably start thinking i was completely gay too, because it *is* a very big part of me.

i cant say whether or not that would work for you because i dont really know you
but i do know that living a lie does nobody any good.

i wouldnt get married just yet, you're young
and it sounds like he's confused
maybe some time apart could be good for both of you?
surely its better that he finds himself now
rather than twenty years down the line?

you're right. its not fair
not on you, not on him.

im so so sorry that you're having to deal with this
but it sounds to me like you are much stronger than you think.

take care of yourself okay?
you will get through this
whatever happens x

**Fidget07** · 04-12-2010 01:42 PM

Thanks for the advice, guys. It's hard hearing that I may have to let him go, but I certainly didn't post a thread with the title, "Please lie and give me false hope" so everything is very appreciated. I'm just not ready to let us fall apart yet. You guys are right about postponing the wedding. He needs to do some soul-searching first and really figure everything out for better or for worse before we make the final commitment.

I appreciate the advice about letting him go sleep with a guy to keep that part of him alive and healthy. I think it would help him a lot. Unfortunately, I would never be able to handle it. I have the utmost respect for the couples that can do things like that, but I'm very old fashioned about that sort of thing and it just wouldn't work for us. I know that while he was out with the other person I would be at home having a mental breakdown and I would always be wondering if he was thinking about him and wishing it wasn't just for one night. As you can see, this whole thing hasn't done wonders for my jealousy. I wish I could be the kind of person that could give him that kind of freedom, but even with my permission, to me it would still feel like cheating and it would destroy me bit by bit.

He's asked me try certain things in the bedroom with certain toys, and I figure that I can try it. Maybe if I can satisfy him more in the ways that he's missing out on he won't worry about it so much and things may clear up on their own. I did what HD suggested and asked him if he honestly could be happy just being with me for the rest of his life and not being with a man. He looked me in the eyes and told me yes and said that this was mostly just a sex thing with him. He said he couldn't see himself groing old with a man, but he could see himself spending his life and growing old with me.

Like I said, I'm not ready to let this go without knowing that I did everything in my power to try and make him happy and try and make this work. As long as he's willing to work on it, I will be too.

Any more advice is most definately appreciated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-12-2010 02:22 PM

He told me that even if, when he figures it out, he turns out to be fully gay, he's not going to tell me, and he's going to stay with me anyway. He's doing it because "he doesn't want to 'hurt' me." But being drug along in a loveless, passionless, affectionless relationship for the rest of my life won't hurt? It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

He said he couldn't see himself groing old with a man, but he could see himself spending his life and growing old with me.

He doesn't really know.. He's supressed his bi thoughts, actions for 5 years. He's reminising on his past, before you.. He's engaged,getting married, he's therefore, questioning if this is something he can do for life.

I feel for both of you.. It's not like he has lied to you throughout your relationship, he bought part of it to the table earlier on and now, he's bought more out...

But, the fact he states if he finds out he is gay, he won't tell you.. Well, then he's living a loveless marriage, there, you become his "best friend" he doesn't want to lose his best friend, full stop.

He says toys.. I don't know if you will like that, if you will see yourself as the man he can't do that to...

I think there is however, nothing wrong with trying things, to make a relationship work.. Because, it could be the actions, not a 'man'...

Ultimately though, if it makes it worse? Makes him want the real thing, then if you can, maybe, you both have to be "best friends" for life and get on with your own lives, which will hurt, but at the same, time, you will both be the shoulders to cry on for each other, as you step into the next phase of your lives.

Either way, there is obviously love there and I hope that you can work towards either union, for life and try to see it as that, if it goes the other way.

Best wishes and definately never give up, but always "see". There are two people here, not one, you also have to be able to cope with all of this and be okay with it.

CW