Should I get divorced?
I've been married 14 years. 2 1/2 years into our marriage he started doing things even though he knew I was against them. It didn't matter what I thought. He'd tell me I needed to accept him for who he was. Then last Feb. I had it. The same issues came up year after year. He again told me to leave if I couldn't accept him. At that time I told myself I was done, but stayed since we had just moved into our new home and wanted the old house to sell before I did anything. As time went by I started to resent him. Our 6 year daughter would say I'm never happy. Then in October the last straw had been drawn. Then I was shocked that he started fighting for our marriage saying he'll change and treat me like a queen. He started doing little things (cooking, etc) but my resentment had built up so much that I can't appreciate it so he quit. Things got to where he degrades me, blames me because I won't give him a chance, punishing me, etc.
My situation isn't as bad as others. I feel like I should stay and give him a chance for our daughter. She loves him, and he is a good dad. But the other part of me is done. I want to leave, but I'm so afraid that it will affect our daughter more to leave then to stay. There's only been 1 divorce in my family so I've been raised to make things work. I'm also religious and know it's against the bible. But I've been hurt so much, especially from the degrading, that I don't think I can ever get back to being in love with him again.
When I ask myself why I would stay, I answer: our daughter, don't want to lose his family, don't want to lose everything we've worked for (house, etc), will I always wonder "what if?", and I can't bare the thought of being away from her everyother weekend, holidays, etc. It's almost easier to stay and deal with my unhappiness, then it is to leave and tear her apart emotionally. What do I do? I'm torn in pieces. Part of me will always love him. Plus he's the only thing I know, since I went straight from my parents home to being married at 19.
E
I'm not able to give ya any advice here. Others on this forum will do much better than I can with that.
Just want to say I understand how heavily family and religious values against divorce can weigh on you. And consideration of your daughter is an incredibly large part of the decision too.
Which ever decision you take, please know there are folks who care and to whom you can come for a shoulder when ya need it.
P
2 adults do not have to live together to be good parents.
kids are more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for.
what happens when you daughter gets older and believes that mommy being miserable living with daddy is the way her life should be.
how long do you let life pass you by.
I'm really not sure how I would feel in your shoes because when you say he "started doing things even though he knew I was against them"... its hard to know if you mean had an affair, hurt you physically, or took up water aerobics... know what I mean. I respect your decision to be vague. But I think its going to be hard for people to give their viewpoint on what they would do try to work on the marriage or to feel hopeless in it without more information.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
You say he degrades and punishes you. That's not acceptable in the Bible and it does not make a family either.
Your daughter already sees you are unhappy, don't you think she would be even more unhappy if she learnt that you only stayed in the marriage just because of her while you were unhappy? She will grow up and have her own life. What will you have then? A husband who mistreats you?
You only live once. Married or not, with children or not, when you cannot live with a person you have to end it or take a break. You are not meant to suffer for the rest of your life because you have a daughter with this man. Your daughter can make it through a divorce, it is painful but children make it, yet you should not sacrifice yourself, you don't have to be the saint of the story.
You don't give us a lot of information about what your husband has done, but to me a degrading, punishing and disrespectful husband is enough to make you want to divorce. You will spend the rest of your life living with this man, not your daughter.
Thanks for the replys.
I feel that regarding the biggest issue he did (says he quit) I can't discuss. I will say it is drug related. He does swear that he'll never do it again. Part of me believes him, the other doesn't.
The other is his obsession with purchasing "items" of value. 3 years into our marriage he purchased a truck even after I screamed no because we couldn't afford it. He went & borrowed $ from his grandma. He said he'd fix it and sell it as a show car within a year. Here we are 11 years later and he still has that truck along with 6 other trucks that are sitting wasting away. He talks a big talk, but won't complete the tasks. He's all about making money and becoming rich so he can retire before he's 50. This part of him, I know will never change.
I've lost my trust and faith in him. I can't believe him anymore. Most of the degrading, I feel is him grasping for straws trying to make me feel bad. He does acknowledge that this has made things worse, but it still happens at least once a week when we get into a heated discussion about divorce. Unfortunately it is starting to effect me. I know he can accomplish his dreams, I just haven't seen it yet. He swears that this last truck is the one that will get him started so he can get the money to start working on the others, I just don't think I can believe him anymore. My problem, is I'm so scared. I've had so many opportunites to say I'm done, but I don't.
Last edited by emotional; 04-12-2010 at 11:37 AM.
I think that if you are unhappy and have been for a long time, you should leave. Your daughter should grow up in a happy household.
Have you thought about counselling? Maybe you two could try that before going through w/ divorce. There is something keeping you there (you say fear, but maybe something more?), and he says he wants to work it out too. Explore what you have to save! You could try saving the marriage, and if things work out you could be happy together. If things don't work, then go on your separate ways knowing you did what you could.
He should also look into his compulsive buying habits. I've seen this go on in my family too. I have a family member who has probably 20 lawn tractors. Each one a bigger piece of junk then the next, and his wife gets more and more angry every time she sees the next one come rolling in on a trailer. He says he'll fix them and sell them for 3x's what he bought them for. But he never fixes them, he says there's no money for parts, but he then goes out and buys another piece of junk tractor to be the next project after the others are done... it never ends. and I don't know how that gets fixed, but I can tell you its a pattern and a mental state, and it can and should be under control.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm not sure if you married him because you wanted to, when you were 19, or whether, due to religion, first boyfriend, etc, you "fell" into it... But, separation is not Divorce, and maybe that's a place for you to start.
He pushes you. He verbally attacks you... That's emotional and physical abuse. I know you feel that "others" have it worse, so therefore, what are you complaining about.. Your not. Your heart has become empty and you've lost all that could help you save your marriage.. Trust, emotions, love, connection, bond.
If he's been doing drugs for this long, bought truck after truck, both stating he will not do it again, but then it happens, your right, he can't change.
Possibly he has an addictive personality, he can't help himself, but he is selfish, because it appears that he feels that he has the right, to do what ever he wants and only when you threaten to leave ( as he loves his child), he trys for a short time, which more than likely kills him, because that's not him, he's "playing the game" and then he reverts.
Your trust is out the window. It's gone.
But, it's the emotional abuse that I don't like, won't fathom, been thereIt's the reason why you stay because emotional abuse also makes you feel worthless, until you are strong enought to say "no I'm not, it's not me at all, it's you"...
Finances are different.. They are a reason why sometimes we don't Divorce, it's frightening to go down that path and lose all that you have.
Speak to a Lawyer and see what happens, if you left, not Divorced and if you Divorced what you are entitled to, what the costs involved are, to fight anything you have to and then seek a close friend, someone you "do" trust and let it all out, have a cry, because you can't keep it all inside.
I think when people have an important decision to make, they have to check all avenues that pertains to their question as well as seeking other people's thoughts and have someone to talk to so they can weight it all up, know the direction they can take and how to, if that ultimately becomes their final decision.
The way you state his love for your child? That will never change... The fact that your child sees you are never happy, is enough to change things. It's important that your child sees you happy and smiling, and not themselves living in a life full of sadness, so they can grow believing... and maybe you yourself, will find someone else who actually is the oposite that makes you happy.
As for religion? I can't advise on there. But, we are born once. In this life... I wouldn't imagine anyone, living or otherwise, would ever expect or want us to live un-happy lives, for ever after, especially when we live in a different world than yesterday, man made, that enables the stress, pressures through the many things that they have developed that people can purchase, that can create a world that is different than yesteryear.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I went ahead and set up another appointment with my therapist and will ask him to come. I'm really nervous about this. Part of me feels I should do this for our daughter, and the other part doesn't want to. Guess I'm afraid of it working out, I don't know. I think the biggest part of me wants him to see what I'm going through. Since I can never seem to talk to him (it's usually always about him), maybe he can see me talk to her and understand how hurt I am. Maybe she can explain to him that what he's doing is not only affecting me, but our daughter too.
Posting Permissions
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks